weight loss after pregnancy how long | Its not jealousy

weight loss after pregnancy how long

This post originally appeared on my now defunct blog on February 20, 2014, while I was waiting to for my second miscarriage to begin.  After two more miscarriages, Ive been thinking a lot about my relationship with friends and family who are pregnant or have babies.  Its hard.  So hard.  I hate that I cry when I hear pregnancy announcements or simply a mention of pregnancy or babies.  I hate that I cant put my feelings aside and feel only joy for the expectant parents.  I struggle to hate only these feelings and not myself for having them, so this post was good for me to reread. The thoughts and feelings I put in this post are still as true after my fourth miscarriage as they were after my first.  

Before I got pregnant with Lucia, seeing pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies was hard.  That was jealousy.  I wanted to have a baby and begrudged those who either were in the position to have a baby (married, out of school, stable job, whatever) when I wasnt or those who had babies even though their positions were less than desirable.  In fact, I cant say that I could even feel happy for those who were having babies while I was not.  All I could see was myself - my desires, my fears, my anger, my hurt, my jealousy.  I wanted what they had and if I couldnt have it, I didnt want them to have it either.  I dont feel good about admitting that.  Those feelings came from a less than charitable place.  That jealousy was sinful and soul-eating. 

After my miscarriages, its often very, very hard to see pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies.  But its not jealousy.  In fact, my feelings have very little, if nothing, to do with the women who are making those announcements or in those pictures or holding those babies.  For them, I feel happiness.  I feel joy at the beauty of new life.  Having Lucia, I know the immense blessings of motherhood and I am so happy that other women get to experience it.  I truly wish motherhood was available to all who desired it; infertility breaks my heart and I cannot begin to imagine the pain carried by the women who suffer from it. 

The reason these things cause me pain is not because of jealousy.  No, I do not begrudge other women their babies.  And I dont want their babies for myself.  I want my babies.  The ones I lost.  The unique human beings that I carried in my womb.  They have their own souls, their own personalities.  Their own DNA.  They cannot be exchanged for anothers child.  Those announcements and pictures and sweet little babies simply remind me of what I lost.  What I can never have.  Even if I get pregnant again and the child makes it to birth and I get to hold that baby in my arms and I get to hug and kiss and raise it, that baby will not replace the ones Ive lost.  

And I imagine if the day does come when I get to birth another baby, that too will cause me pain.  That too will be a reminder of the moments that Ill never have with two of my children.  And it doesnt mean Ill love that child less or that that child herself will be the cause of my pain.  Again, the feeling will have little to do with her.  For her, I will feel joy and love and the million other complex emotions that come with motherhood.  But it will still be a reminder of what once was and what could have been.  

One of the most important things Ive done for myself in this healing process has been to acknowledge that these feelings are not bad.  Unlike the jealousy I felt years ago, these feelings dont come from sin.  These feelings come from grief, loss, pain.  They are not cruel or angry or hurtful.  They simply are.  I know not all women whove had miscarriages struggle with pregnancy announcements or visiting new babies.  We all grieve in our own unique ways.  But I do struggle.  And thats ok.

Not all pregnancy announcements bother me, nor do all newborns.  Ive had several friends announce pregnancies or have babies since my miscarriage in October and I was unaffected by the news.  The most difficult reminders have been the ones that are the most obvious reminders - those who have due dates similar to mine.  Watching their bellies grow throughout pregnancy is kind of like watching the ghost of my pregnancy.  What would have been.  What will never be.  I imagine as we near my due date and those babies are born, it will become even harder.  I often wonder if Ill see those children five, ten, fifteen years down the road and still feel sadness, still imagine what would have been, still try to imagine how my child would have been similar or different.  Only time will tell.

In addition to acknowledging that these feelings are ok, Ive also allowed myself to block the reminders that have caused me pain, at least for a time.  Ive unfollowed the blogs of women who are due within a month of my due date and hidden friends from my Facebook newsfeed for the same reason.  Ive left groups where pregnancy talk was too difficult to bear.  At times, Ive left Facebook and stopped reading blogs altogether for a period.  At first, I felt that I was allowing myself to be weak.  Or letting my weakness rule me.  Now Im starting to realize that we need to honor our feelings and protect ourselves.  Maybe it is weak to not be able to see cute bump photos.  Weak or not, right now, thats what I need.  I know it wont be forever.  

Im coming up on a difficult time - one of the pains of miscarrying so early in a pregnancy is that as a general rule, people dont announce pregnancies that early.  So in a few weeks, Ill start seeing announcements that correspond to my due date.  And not long after that, the due date of my first miscarriage will be here.  And if it ends up being too much, Im not going to force myself to be strong.  Im going to turn off my computer and let myself cry.



Right now, Im facing my first close friend/family member with a due date close to mine and the feeling are even more raw and the pregnancy impossible to ignore (and I dont want to ignore it anyway). I cant just turn off my computer anymore. The pregnancy is right in front of me as will be the baby. Im struggling to not let the sadness of our loss overwhelm the joy I feel for our new little family member. 

On top of that, with the number of losses mounting, it seems like there is a difficult date around every corner. February - first anniversary of our second miscarriage; May - first anniversary of our first miscarried childs due date (when our Francis would be turning one!); June - due date of our third miscarried child, Adrienne; July - due date of our fourth miscarried child, Christian; September - first anniversary of our second miscarried childs due date (when Julian would be turning one). There are other dates in there too - dates we conceived and when we got positive pregnancy tests and, for two of our babies, the days we found out they were no longer alive in an ultrasound. Those dates are imprinted in my mind, but for now, Im trying to only remember miscarriage and due dates. Its too much of a burden when Im trying so very, very hard to focus on the future in a positive way and stop longing for the What Might Have Beens.

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mumsnet pregnancy weight lose | Trying Again

mumsnet pregnancy weight lose

Yesterday (Christmas) was one of the hardest days of my life. Everywhere I looked amongst the family celebrations, I saw the ghosts of our missing children. When the cousins played together, there was one missing. When we took family photos, they felt so incomplete. My stomach felt so small and flat and empty. I mostly thought of the first child we lost, Francis, the one who would be seven months now. I wonder if next Christmas will be just as hard. Which child will I think about then? Francis or Julian, who would be celebrating their second Christmas then? Or the little ones who would be born in the next year, Adrienne or Christian, who would be celebrating their first Christmas? Knowing that its not even possible for me to hold a baby in my arms next Christmas made the day even more bleak. I felt robbed of Christmas past, Christmas present, and Christmas future.

Maybe this year is just so hard because I miscarried less than a week before Christmas? Although maybe Ill miscarry a week before next Christmas too. Or maybe Ill be pregnant then, far enough along that Ill be feeling confident, and not  the deep despair and fear that early pregnancy holds for me now. I can only pray that is the case, I cant even hope for it anymore.

What this last, fourth miscarriage has finally done that the first three were unable to accomplish was strip me of all hope. One, two, even three miscarriages in a row can be explained by chance, bad luck, even three different random, unrelated occurrences. Four is...heavy. There is the weight of an underlying cause there. So far, my doctor hasnt been able to find it. Ill have surgery next month to check on a few more things, all which are fairly unlikely anyway, but if my doctor doesnt find anything then thats it. There will be no more treatable causes, everything else would just be an answer with no solution. And I dont feel the desire to know just to know; if there is nothing I can do about it, the knowledge has no meaning to me.

Im still young (though repeat pregnancy loss has aged me in ways I cant really explain; I feel so old inside) and potentially have many more years of fertility before me. Well keep trying, over and over again, knowing that there is some possibility, no matter how small, that I will be able to give birth to a living child. Lucia is proof of that. How we got lucky with a healthy first pregnancy, Ill never know but Im so grateful for that. Well try again as soon as Im physically well enough, emotionally healed enough, and get the go ahead from my doctor.

While I have some friends who struggle with hyper fertility who look at their future years of potential fertility and count how many children that could possibly mean, I think in terms of how many miscarriages those years can bring. Unless Im coming straight off a miscarriage (which is apparently a very fertile time according to studies Ive read and my personal experience), it takes me longer than the average woman to get pregnant, but not by much. I can get pregnant. Four pregnancies in less than a year and a half prove that. Four miscarriages in 14 months. Even if my fertile years end early and fertility decreases over time, I could still have 20+ miscarriages. The odds for that are small, of course. In 20 pregnancies, Id most likely bring at least a few babies to birth. But, when I see my future, 20 miscarriages is one of the possibilities I can visualize. I can no longer visualize an outcome where there is a baby in my arms. My mind just cant conceptualize that anymore.

As Catholics, we believe that pregnancy should only be postponed (using Natural Family Planning) for serious reasons. Those reasons vary by couple of course and the Church does not have a list of reasons. Personally, David and I cant justify postponing pregnancy based on miscarriage risk alone. As long as I am (physically and emotionally) healthy enough to get pregnant again, we wont prevent it beyond the few months my doctor asks us to wait after a loss. (Whether to wait to not, and how long, after a miscarriage is controversial as there are studies that show getting pregnant again right away has better outcomes and other studies show the opposite. Weve decided to give my doctor the benefit of the doubt and follow all my doctors instructions for the time being. Ive gotten pregnant right away and Ive waited and both had the same outcome anyway.)

The idea of not charting and not specifically trying to get pregnant but just letting it happen when it happens is very appealing to me, because the trying is very stressful in itself. But as long as my doctor still has hope that we can find a treatable cause and that catching a pregnancy early will give the baby a better chance of survival, Ill suffer through it. Charting seems to force us to specifically try to get pregnant each month because we know exactly when our fertile days are and we have to decide whether we will have sex then. Since we want a baby, we feel like we cant not use those days. If we didnt chart and didnt know which exact days were most fertile, I dont think Id end up a puddle of tears every time my period came because I wouldnt know if we actually tried to get pregnant. It wouldnt be a disappointment, another proof that my body doesnt work quite right. There wouldnt be that expectation that we did everything right, well get pregnant this month, oh please, oh please, oh please.

Coming to terms with recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) and what that means for the long term for our family means coming up with a new perspective on life, a new way of living. Even if we having another living child, even if its our very next pregnancy only a year and some months away, that probably wont end my RPL. Ill probably have more miscarriages after that. Of course, I dont know the future, but most likely whatever is causing this isnt going to disappear or ever be completely "fixed". And so that means that we will for the next 10-15 years have cycles of trying to conceive, pregnancy, miscarriage, recovery, trying to conceive, miscarriage, recovery...

And I cant go through those the way I have done in the past. The past year and a half hasnt been living, its been surviving. Ive just tried to get from one stage to another, thinking at some point things will change and well regain our lives. Its been living with the pain of trying to conceive thinking, It will all be better once I get those two pink lines. And then living with the stress and fear and utter despair of pregnancy thinking, It will all be better once I see that heartbeat. And then the heartbeat isnt there or I start bleeding and I think, If I can only make it past this miscarriage. And then the bleeding stops and I start thinking, If only I can make it through the next few months of testing and waiting, then we can try again. And it starts all over. And in the meantime, my life is on hold. There is no joy, there is no moving forward. Everything waits. Everything is at a standstill waiting for the baby, the one we want so badly, the one that will restore a little bit of joy into our family.

I need to find a way to restore that joy without that child, for who knows if that baby will ever come. I need to find a way to truly live in the meantime. And so Ive been working on humility, on saying, Its not about me. Nothing is about me. Its never been about me. I am only here to do Gods will. No matter what I want or I dont want or how much pain I suffer , I can always serve God every situation. It is not about me. It is not about me. Its only about Him. I am only about Him. It is not about my babies that will never be born. It is about The Baby who was born so long ago. It is not about me. And its helping. Most days, this is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Most days, it allows me to focus on the big picture, what really matters. Because its when I focus on the details of my small insignificant life that the pain becomes crushing and I become frozen in the pain and anger and fear.

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healthy pregnancy weight loss diet | Penumbra Baby 28 week bumpdate

healthy pregnancy weight loss diet

Im not much of a "bumpdate" person. (Though Im not much of a birth story person either, and I wrote one of those.) When my favorite bloggers post pregnancy updates, I mostly just look at the pictures. I never blogged regular pregnancy updates when I was pregnant with Lucia but somehow, this time, it just seemed right - maybe even necessary - to share a little more gratuitously about this pregnancy.

A while back, I read this article that discussed the use of the term "penumbra baby" for a child that comes after loss. Ive never really felt comfortable with the more common term "rainbow baby" (not sure exactly why) and it was somehow very fulfilling to find a term that really resonated with me. Heres an excerpt from the article that explains the word an exactly why its so apt:

The word penumbra means “partially shaded area” and while I like and use the term rainbow babies, I think this one might be a better description. These babies are born in the shadow of their older siblings who died. Because I’m fascinated by words and their meanings, I find it interesting that she used the term penumbra, meaning partially shaded, and not umbra, or fully shaded. With a penumbra, some light is still coming through, which I find rather beautiful. Children born in the shadow of loss are definitely not replacement children! Unlike a rainbow, a shadow is not fleeting or illusory, but always present and always changing. When the sun rises and sets, our shadows are long, casting a deeper, darker presence over our lives. When the sun is high overhead, our shadows are barely present. No matter where you go or what you do, your shadow is with you. It changes as you change. It is unique to your shape. A shadow cannot exist without some light, even if that light is small.  

When you are pregnant after a loss, the shadow of your past pregnancy will always be there. Some days you will feel its presence deeply, as if the light were dim and the shadow in front of you. Some days, you will hardly notice it. The sun will be bright overhead.

Its important to me that this pregnancy and this child are never "fully shaded", that I allow some light to come through. So Im determined to celebrate this pregnancy in whatever ways I can. I may not be taking weekly beautiful, well-lit and well-orchestrated pictures with fruits and veggies, but I have been taking grainy, poorly lit picture sporadically because I do want there to be pictures. (And we are going to get professional maternity pictures next month.) I do want there to be memories. I want to be able to look back and say, that was a blessed time when my child was growing within me. Ive always thought I would do a pregnancy update post at some point in this pregnancy (although probably only one) and 28 weeks, the start of the third trimester, seems as good a time as any.

how far along: By the "official" dating: 28 weeks, 3 days; by my dating: 29 weeks, 1 day. Im totally fine with going along with the doctors date though. Lucia was 8 days "late" so a later due date just prepares me for a little longer of a wait and, more importantly, gives me an extra cushion before other people start asking "Have you had the baby yet?"

days until due date: 80

symptoms: Ive had pretty much the full gamut of "normal" pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness, lethargy, etc. in the first trimester. Mostly feeling better during the second trimester, other than a few tough weeks around our move when I probably was just doing way too much. In the past few weeks, the third trimester symptoms have really hit - heartburn, swelling, hip and pelvic pain. I have had a few symptoms that I think are pretty unique to me though. One of the first early signs that Im pregnant is frequent headaches. Unless Im ill, the only time I ever get headaches is during the first trimester of pregnancy (its been consistent with all of my six pregnancies so far). Also, Ive developed allergies to peanuts. Nothing major, just an itchy throat when I eat them. I had this with Lucia too, only not with peanuts but with bananas and almonds (so far, those dont seem to bother me). Apparently food allergies just during pregnancy is a thing, though not particularly common.

cravings: Hmmm, I probably need to ask David about this one. Hummus. A bagel with lox. Honestly, its pretty much like my pregnancy with Lucia - I dont crave much in the realm of weird and cravings dont come out of nowhere, but if I see or hear someone talk about a food that sounds good, I cant get the thought of it out of my head. So commercials and cooking shows are my worst enemy right now. Though heartburn is severely cutting down on my appetite because no matter how good something tastes, I know it is just NOT worth the heartburn.

On our fifth anniversary

comparisons: Obviously, this pregnancy is emotionally much more difficult than my very blissful, naive, and perfectly healthy pregnancy with Lucia, but its also been physically harder. Not so much so that anything is out of the ordinary, its all within the range of "normal", but its certainly a noticeable difference. Other than the first trimester morning sickness and fatigue and third trimester heartburn, I otherwise felt amazing my whole pregnancy with Lucia. This entire pregnancy Ive been tired and sluggish and just not feeling quite well. The morning sickness was worse (I think I only threw up twice with Lucia, but often a half dozen times per day this pregnancy) although both times it tapered off around 13 weeks. Heartburn has started much, much earlier this time - at around 25 weeks compared to probably 34 with Lucia. I remember that being the absolute worst part of her pregnancy and was hoping to put it off as long as possible.

Ive also just been so much more sore this time around. I never had hip or pelvic pain with my first pregnancy and its been a bit surprising (and painful!) this time around. I also never had Braxton Hicks contractions before this pregnancy, and Ive been having them since around 18 weeks. I usually dont have them too often other than when Im upset and then they are super painful and constant. Not having any BH made it really easy to tell when I was going into labor - Im worried about not being able to tell real from false labor as the due date gets closer.

I dont think having an older child to care for has affected the pregnancy all that much (other than Lucia making me melt with her really sweet, adorable bonding with baby - that is so precious). Lucia tends to nap every day and I nap with her so I still get my daily nap in. I havent been sleeping very well at night the entire pregnancy (whereas I slept like a baby until the heartburn kicked in last time), but I dont think thats related to having an older child because Lucia usually sleeps through the night. Shes old enough that Im not constantly on my feet running after her and shes pretty independent and helpful, but I am probably more active this time walking over to the school playground with her and taking her to parks and such.

Ive gained a lot less weight this pregnancy. Im sure thats due to the increase in morning sickness and early onset of heartburn more than anything else. But Im also carrying low, so maybe these differences mean its a boy? Oh, and probably the biggest difference is that this baby is extremely, extremely active. Way more than Lucia ever was. The movements and kicks are much more frequent and sometimes actually really painful which is crazy for a baby this small (and its already been happening for weeks). I can often see my stomach very noticeably moving which didnt happen very often with Lucia and not until the end. David is convinced that this means we are having an active little boy.

speaking of babys sex: No, we didnt/we dont find out if were having a boy or girl. Its just the way we like to do it. We didnt find out with Lucia and the surprise was just so exciting. And it drives other people crazy which is fun too. I will admit I was much more tempted this time to peek during the ultrasound than I was with Lucia, but I stayed strong.

Do I have any gut feelings? Boy, I guess. But I was 100% sure Lucia was a boy from my gut feeling and I have the reputation of being 100% wrong when guessing the sex of friends and family members babies so I think my gut feeling of boy means that its most likely a girl. Obviously, we really dont care if its a boy or girl and were just super excited to find out exactly who this little person is that God has sent to our family.

names? We do have a boy and a girl name picked out and most of our friends and family know them, but Im not ready to share here yet. Were having a bit of trouble with a girl middle name, so I emailed Kate at the Catholic baby naming blog, Sancta Nomina, for a name consultation and it will be published next month so at least our girls name will be out of the bag then.

Lucia is: very excited. And super, super sweet. She talks about baby all the time and asks every person she meets, "Did you know my mommy has a baby in her tummy?" Shes very excited to hold baby and play with baby and teach baby everything. She will randomly come up to me and kiss my belly and talk to baby. She calls it "my baby" or "our baby". The last of her friends to have a younger sibling, shes so excited to finally get to be a big sister. Im not sure how this will play out when baby is actually here, but I have a feeling shell be very helpful and the jealousy will be minimal. My younger brother and I are five years apart and I was a helpful big sister who adored the baby and was never jealous. Lucia and baby will be four years apart and although her temperament is much different than mine, I think the reaction will be much the same.

We got this gorgeous family photo taken at Davids cousins wedding.
First professional photo as a family of four!

best part of pregnancy so far: Ive loved holding my belly in the last few weeks. Ive finally gotten big enough that I have a round, very pregnant belly and I think its beautiful and pretty amazing. Just looking in the mirror and rubbing my belly has been such a blessing. I dont know why, but it seems so strange to actually be this physically, visibly pregnant. I think there was a part of me that thought I would never get to this point and that kind of didnt believe I was actually pregnant with a real, live baby (despite the ultrasounds and really obvious symptoms). But now that I can see it, its starting to feel very concrete. I catch myself smiling when I see my belly in the mirror.

As for the best specific moment, yesterday, we went to a Rockies (baseball for those non-sporties out there) game yesterday and toward the end, a woman came up to me on her way out and said, "I just had to tell you youre a gorgeous pregnant woman. If I ever get pregnant, I hope I look like you - all belly!" And then she told me how beautiful Lucia was. Yep, that was a winner, especially since I was greasy with sunscreen and had be sweating profusely the whole game so basically felt like a hot, slimy whale. But apparently a gorgeous one.

prayer request: One of babys kidneys was larger than normal on my 20 week ultrasound, so I have a follow up ultrasound next month. The doctor made it sound like this issue is fairly common and often resolves itself, but even if it doesnt it is not a major problem. Im not particularly worried, but prayers would be appreciated. Ive entrusted baby and this pregnancy to the intercession of Blesseds Zelie and Louis Martin (the soon-to-be canonized parents of St. Therese of Lisieux). Also, prayers for the financial/insurance concerns of this pregnancy would be appreciated as well. Thank you!

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weight loss recipes after pregnancy | Flowers Because We Love You

weight loss recipes after pregnancy

When I was in college I lived in an all-girls dorm. One custom of where I lived was that on special occasions (especially Valentines Day) the front desks in the dorm lobbies would be overflowing with special deliveries of flowers from girls boyfriends.

Every special holiday I would trudge by the front desk of my dorm, head down, trying to ignore what I knew wouldnt be there for me. I didnt have a boyfriend for most of my college experience and when Daniel and I started dating, he didnt realize that a show of flowers (at the lobby desk) might be important to me. To be fair, I never told him.

After we were married, one of my aunts told me that one secret to a happy marriage was to let your spouse know your expectations upfront. If flowers or presents are important, you need to communicate that (beforehand). In truth, I dont really care about flowers or gifts – maybe I conditioned myself to not care all of those years ago. In fact, Daniel and I have always had a no gift policy (though I have asked him to give me flowers for special occasions).

Ironically, all of these years later, I finally have a boy in my life who loves to give me flowers just because. Don’t get me wrong, Daniel gives me flowers at special times throughout the year and he is the one that told Jack that they should buy flowers for me because they love me, but Jack loves to give me flowers all of the time regardless of whether or not there is a special occasion to celebrate.

The first time, Jack helped Daniel pick out flowers for me for Easter this year. It was a sweet surprise. He was very excited to tell me that they bought me flowers because they love me. The second time, he picked out flowers with his Nana’s help to give to me when I came home from the hospital with Isaac. Then more recently, while grocery shopping with me he insisted that he pick out flowers for me.

I really do love these little gifts of flowers. Even better are the flowers (weeds) that he picks from our yard. He insists on filling a vase with water and putting the vase on the counter. He is so proud of this accomplishment and it makes my heart feel like it will explode. 

So I didn’t get flowers in the lobby while in college, but I have a husband of almost 13 years who loves me and listens to my request for flowers throughout the year. And on top of that, I have a little boy who loves to give me flowers just because his daddy told him that is one way they can show that they love me.

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post pregnancy weight loss regime | Chattanooga Aquarium Play Date

post pregnancy weight loss regime

Now that school is in full swing (Tues - Thurs), we have been making an effort to have a friend day on Mondays and Fridays (sometimes this just means going to hang out at the Y, sometimes it means doing an activity, sometimes we do both).

On Monday we met up with some friends at the Chattanooga Aquarium. We had 8 kids with us, so we worked on a buddy system to keep track of the kids. They all did great. It didnt hurt that it was the middle of the week and not busy.

The oldest boy in our group, Patrick, buddied up with Jack. This worked well (for the most part). Jack kind of likes to do his own thing, but he also really likes hanging out with our friends older boys.

We only had time for one building, but we did catch the divers in the big tank. I think all of the kids with us were brave and each asked a question.

 

We had such a fun time, even if we only had 1.5 hours to play.

If you havent been to the Chattanooga Aquarium, I would definitely recommend it. We have a family pass this year and try to take advantage of it when we can.

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pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester | Its ok to know what you need and what you need to avoid

pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester

This past weekend was the second Edel Gathering. It looked fun and lovely and inspiring. This year was the second year I didnt go. Both years I could have gone. We could have made it work financially. My husband was very supportive of me having a weekend away. I wanted to go. There were so many ladies I wanted to see (and meet) that would be there. Im sure I would have had a great time. But for two years in a row, the timing would have made it too painful.

Last year, I knew several women who were going and bringing along their couple month old babies. Our Francis would have been a few months old. I also knew several ladies who would be seven months pregnant. I would have been seven months pregnant with Julian. The miscarriages were still so raw then and it seemed like the reminders would have been too plentiful for me to have enjoyed myself.

I had planned to go to Edel this year, up until a week before the tickets were released. I got a positive pregnancy test and with the due date being next week, it was quite impossible to attend the conference ten days before a baby was set to arrive. And then I miscarried and I could go, but once again, it seemed like going would be too painful knowing that the only reason I was there was because my baby died. Due dates are pretty dark times for me and having two less than a month apart has cast a long shadow over this June and July. Its possible that going to Edel could have been exactly what I needed to lift me out of this funk, but its just as possible that I would have been emotionally miserable the whole time. It wasnt worth it to spend so much money and make arrangements for childcare without knowing which way it would pan out.

Im 100% sure I made the right decision. I used to try to force myself to events or else feel guilty for letting my losses "get the best of me" and dictate what I do. But now Im pretty confident in my decisions. While I can force myself to go to events, I cant force myself to enjoy them and there is no triumph in going to an event only to be miserable the whole time. And staying home does not mean that Ive let my losses rule my life, it means that Im wise enough to know what I need (or what I need to avoid) in the healing process and that Ive given myself the permission and grace to heal.

Now, when it comes to the events of others - a baby shower, meeting a new friends baby, a get together where I suspect a pregnancy announcement will be made (and Im right 99% of the time), the birthday party of a child who would be about the age of one of my lost littles, etc. - I do force myself to go. I completely support others who decide to stay home from similar events, but I know my weaknesses and the truth is that I can all too easily get tied up in my own pain and self pity if I let myself focus only on me. Its important to me that I force myself to take part in the joy of others and that I do not allow myself excuses to let my personal sorrow overshadow others celebrations. I will not let the death of my children prevent me from celebrating the gifts of life around me, even if my celebration isnt always heartfelt.

Ive found that the only way it gets easier is to go through these events anyway, kind of the whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Eventually they get easier, after so many times of going to celebrations for a particular child (and crying at home afterwards), its no longer painful to be around her - shell still remind me of the child I lost with a similar due date, but the feelings of intense grief dont show up every time I see her little face.

So I do always go to others events in order to force me outside of myself, but when it comes to events for me like Edel, or going to moms groups or play dates or girls night out, etc., I no longer worry about what I "should" be doing. I listen to what I need and then a unapologetically allow myself to do just that. My miscarriages are a part of my life, now and forever. I can pretend they never happened and force myself to live as if they hadnt, but its much more beneficial to acknowledge them and find a way to incorporate them into my life. Sometimes that means staying home, missing out, saying "no". And thats ok.

This is what I imagine Edel was like. 

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post pregnancy weight loss recipes | I Love to Grill

post pregnancy weight loss recipes

 Lemon and Dill Barbecue Salmon Kabobs [recipe via Plating Pixels]

If you follow me on Instagram, or are Facebook friends with me, you probably noticed my hashtag #ilovetogrill. 

 Mediterranean Grilled Chicken Kabobs [recipe via The Mediterranean Dish]

This summer I really got addicted to grilling. In general I dont cook very many of the same recipes more than once and this summer I embraced that principle with grilling.

Apple Cider Glazed Pork Chops [recipe via Delightful-E Made] 

with Peaches and Sugar Snap Peas

At first I thought I would be limited on what I could do on the grill, but I discovered a love of grilling and so many flavors that I hadnt experienced before.

Rack of Lamb [recipe via Food & Wine], Okra and Corn on the Cob

I grilled salmon, chicken, steak, shrimp, scallops, pork chops, lamb, veggies, and fruit. Oh, yeah and burgers too! The list goes on and on.

 Grilled Salmon and Sea Scallops with Sugar Snap Peas and Summer Squash

I especially loved making kabobs and tried every recipe I found on Pinterest that sounded like it might be good.

Grilled Shrimp and Sausage Kabobs with Bacon Wrapped Mushrooms 

[recipe via Taste and Tell]

Besides the amazing taste, one of the main reasons I love grilling is because of how easy it is to marinate food and fire up the grill for a meal. With a 3.5-year-old and an infant, time is a luxury I dont have a lot of, and grilling met my need for variety and great tasting food.

Sweet Maple BBQ Chicken Kabobs [recipe via A Dash of Sanity] with 

grilled Brussels Sprouts [recipe via Alton Brown] and Zucchini

Let me tell you, it was one delicious summer of food on the grill!

Teriyaki Salmon Skewers [recipe via Simply Recipes]

Now that the weather is cooling off, I will probably turn to warm soups and chili and cornbread as my go-to meals, but I truly love grilling, and when the weather permits, I will be outside with my grill!

Grilled veggies for The Pioneer Womans Grilled Veggie Enchiladas 

[recipe via The Pioneer Woman]

Follow me on Pinterest and let me know if you have any favorite grilling recipes!

Hamburgers and Sweet Potato Fries

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post baby weight loss exercises | You Can Do This

post baby weight loss exercises

Most days Im a very loving and kind person.  Sometimes I need tough love.  When I saw this quote on Pinterest it really resonated with me.

via

No sweet words of encouragement.  No gentle reminders to take care of yourself.  Just straight-up truth.   I needed that.  Maybe you do too. 

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You can follow Honey Were Healthy on FACEBOOK & PINTEREST.

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post pregnancy weight loss eating plan | Faith

post pregnancy weight loss eating plan

This blog began as a spin-off from my home decor/organization blog, Honey Were Home.  I wanted a place to write about health and fitness, and share with people how a busy, working mom attempts to live a healthy lifestyle.  But, there are more aspects than just clean eating and exercise that are critical to living really well.  Its a combination of relationships (with girlfriends, kids, parents, coworkers, and significant others), career, financial freedom, creativity, play, hobbies, and finding joy, being authentic.  We are physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual creatures.  For me, a major component of life includes my faith in God and my relationship with Him.  I went to church very infrequently as a kid, (we went typically at Easter and/or Christmas) but my parents always instilled in me the knowledge that there is a big God who knows me intimately and loves me very much.  

Its pretty difficult to manage to have all areas of your life gelling at once.  Your career and kids are doing good, but your marriage sucks.  Or your relationships are blossoming, but you are in debt.    Maybe career (be it at home or outside) are humming along but you have no energy and are out of shape.  Regardless of the hardships we endure, if our FAITH is strong, it seems to help hold us together.  Lets us know that, "this too, shall pass."

Jeremiah 29:11-12

In law school, I became actively involved in my church and choir and developed a deeper relationship with God.  After half a decade in the choir, and being newly married, I stepped down to devote my time to my new marriage.  The choir was a big time commitment and I felt that I should spend more time at home.  But I missed it terribly.  I recently came home to the choir.  When I returned to choir practice for the first time and we began worshipping, the very tangible presence of God filled the room and it was so beautiful I could cry.  I felt it immediately and am so THANKFUL.  Im thankful that our rehearsal is a church service in and of itself. Im thankful for the family of friends Ive made, many of whom are still there and welcomed me back (after 5 years!) with warm, open arms. 

I still have to practice daily prayer- talking to God- and be mindful of His Word and His promises.  Its not necessarily second nature even after all of those years of being closely connected.  But Im reminded that He is always there for us, always ready to receive our hearts, and will forgive our sins when we go to Him with a heartfelt confession.  Im so humbled by that.

I get a lot of joy from encouraging you in the health and fitness arena, and I want to encourage you in your FAITH too.  Ill be sharing some inspiration from time to time on Sundays if you want to pop in, you are always welcome.  

I received a Bible from my law school boyfriend and its been one of the best gifts Ive ever been given. Its gotten tattered and worn over the years, and Ive been given new Bibles since, but I always return to this one.  

and then I looked up Hebrews 4:12 -- I LOVE that it says God knows the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  Doesnt that give such a sense of peace? He knows my heart.  He knows YOUR heart. 

I would love it if you felt compelled to leave a scripture in the comments.  Someone needs to hear it. 

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pregnancy weight loss in third trimester | Will you try again Thoughts on another pregnancy after a pregnancy after loss

pregnancy weight loss in third trimester

Recently, weve had several people ask whether we would have try for more children after this pregnancy. None of them were nosy strangers; they were all people who knew about our losses and are generally concerned about our future, know that we have wanted a large family and also the toll that several miscarriages have had on us.

We dont really have a definitive answer at this point. Truly, I dont feel comfortable making that decision now...or ever. I just cant say that well never have more children because we really do try to take it one month at a time. Since this baby isnt even here yet, I have no idea where well be physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially when my cycles return (it took 11 months after Lucia was born, so were looking at somewhere around October 2016 before wed even need to make a decision of any kind). But, it is something we do think about and talk about and so heres where were at right now.

My pregnancy, labor, and delivery were Lucia was incredibly affirming of our desire for a large family. Aside from the normal symptoms of morning sickness in the first trimester and heartburn in the third, I felt wonderful my entire pregnancy. The pregnancy was textbook perfect, without a single complication. The labor and delivery were also complication and intervention free. And I was probably one of the most laid back pregnant women - I never once called my midwives with questions, never worried about my health or the health of the baby, I cant remember ever being anxious or confused or scared about any aspect of pregnancy. After Lucia was born, I was so confident in the ability of my body to create and nurture children and I looked forward to the pregnancies to come and the large family we would have.

That pregnancy was such a gift. I know so many women who have never been able to have that experience. Their first pregnancies ended in miscarriage, or were overshadowed with serious complications or mental health issues, or came after years of infertility struggles which left them with little confidence in their bodies abilities to do what should come naturally.

But early motherhood for me came easy, physically and emotionally. Even after Lucia was here, being a mom seemed natural and I never struggled with my changing roles. I always wanted to be a mother and when I became one, everything about it seemed so intuitive. It all seemed like an affirmation of where my life was going; if motherhood felt so right - physically, emotionally, practically - then didnt it make sense that I would have many children, the chance to replicate these experiences over and over?
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My due date for this baby is exactly three weeks shy of four years since my due date with Lucia. We certainly didnt expect our children to be this far apart in age. Many couples wait much longer than we have for a living child. We know that while our path hasnt been easy, it could have been much more difficult and we are grateful for our blessings. But we are also wary for our future.

This pregnancy has been very trying for me. After four miscarriages, the belief that my body knows what its supposed to do, or even that its a safe place for our child, is no longer intact. Physically this pregnancy is much more difficult and I constantly feel worn down and in some form of pain. Its nothing to complain about really, its all within the realm of "normal" for a pregnancy and certainly is worth enduring for my child, but it is another reminder that my body isnt quite so conducive to pregnancy as I once thought. Emotionally, this pregnancy has been strenuous and when I look ahead to future pregnancies, I cant imagine that theyll be much easier. Its tempting to try to assume that a healthy labor, delivery, and baby at the end of this pregnancy will heal much of the pain of the past and make future pregnancies easier, but it seems much more likely that the scars will remain long after this pregnancy.

At this point, the thought of ever getting pregnant again is terrifying. I cannot count the times during this pregnancy, during moments of extreme anxiety, when Ive made my husband promise wed never, ever try to get pregnant again.  Just the thought of trying is panic inducing. Attempting to conceive a child is not an exciting, hope-filled endeavor for us anymore. After all, two-thirds of our children have died, a sobering statistic that sucks the joy out of thoughts of growing our family. We have no way of knowing whether I carried past the first trimester this time because of the surgery that removed endometriosis or whether this was just a random occurrence. Perhaps endometriosis wasnt even the problem in the first place, and the real issue is still there. I have no idea what my chances are for future miscarriages. As anxiety-ridden as it has been, I believe I could probably handle another healthy pregnancy, but Im not entirely sure I could cope with more miscarriages or a complication-riddled pregnancy. I have obligations to care for husband and living children and worry that attempts to expand our family further would prevent me from caring for the family I already have.

Perhaps after this baby is born, our future fertility plans will become more clear. I pray that circumstances may change so that we might still have the large family we always longed for. Im young enough that I have more than a decade of fertility ahead of me, so I assume we will try again at some point. However, because I had endometriosis, which even after surgery has a high chance for coming back (and only gets worse over time), there is a lot of pressure to get pregnant again right away. I dont think well do that and perhaps Ill need to have surgery again later down the road if we decide to try for more children. Perhaps Ill have more miscarriages. Maybe Ill suffer from secondary infertility.

Looking ahead at our future family, we acknowledge that its entirely possible that, for whatever reason, this baby may be our last living child. Its a thought that brings me sadness but, at the same time, a measure of relief. Knowing that, if we find ourselves in the position of needing to, we can avoid pregnancy the rest of our childbearing years is a blessing. Its not a decision we take lightly; we are dedicated to being open to life and not using artificial means to prevent pregnancy and would welcome any surprise children God sent our way, but having that option is something we need to know is available to us. We are blessed in that while NFP has been emotionally draining when trying to conceive and navigate the medical side of miscarriage, its been pretty easy for us to utilize to avoid pregnancy and I wonder if this is not the reason why - because perhaps well need to use it for many, many years.

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pregnancy weight loss morning sickness | Useless

pregnancy weight loss morning sickness

The overwhelming feeling I have in the wake of a miscarriage is uselessness. Biologically, Im useless, unable to do the one thing Im specially created as a woman to do - sustain a new life in my womb. This is no small matter, its a matter of life and death. A child is conceived and its my sole responsibility to care for that child for the next nine months. And I cant. Obviously, its not my "fault" in the sense that it is purposeful or avoidable. But still, deliberate or not, Im not fulfilling my biological purpose. Im useless.

While Im recovering, I lay in bed, of no use to my husband and daughter. David has to take care of me, take care of the house, take care of our daughter. This miscarriage has physically been very mild but Im still feeling unwell, weak, in pain, exhausted. I am useless. A burden.

When I start feeling better, I overcompensate. I obsess about having a clean house, making dinner, doing everything I can possibly do so that I am useful. So that I have some meaning. I also force myself to make things - to knit or craft or whatever, so that I can prove Im capable of making something, if not a baby, at least something that is useful or beautiful or thoughtful.

I feel like I have to prove that Im useful, that I somehow add value to my family because deep inside I feel like perhaps they are better off without me.  I know, logically, that this isnt true. I know that every person, every family member, has dignity. That our worth is not measured by how well our body functions. After all, I truly, deeply believe that people with physical (and mental) disabilities are valuable members of our society. But when it comes to myself, I have little mercy. I may know that Lucia needs her mother and David needs his wife and that the love I give them is enough to make me useful. And yet, knowing that doesnt make it feel real. 

I feel like Im defined solely by my inability to bear more children. By my failures to protect my unborn children. I feel incredibly broken and unworthly. I feel very alone. Everywhere I look there are babies and pregnant bellies and joy. Babies bring so much joy to the world and because I cannot carry my children to term, I deny my family this joy.

All I want is to feel useful again. Like I have something to give that is at least of equal value to what I take. I am in need of so much right now. Physical assistance, emotional support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to make me breakfast. I know I should just ask for the help I need, but I wont. I wont even accept it when its offered because it makes me feel selfish. Because I have nothing to give in return.

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baby weight loss birth | Can You Get More Toned Skin From a Bottle Bliss Fat Girl Six Pack

baby weight loss birth

Happy Monday friends!  Hope you all had a great weekend!  With all the working out Ive been doing lately, Ive noticed that Ive been more tired at the end of the day (which is a good thing!) because it means Im getting to bed at a decent hour instead of staying up way too late.  I even slept from 9:30 p.m. to 10:15 a.m. on Sunday.  I guess my body needed it.  As I write this on Sunday night, Im thinking of the Monday morning workout with my trainer, which I know is gonna be awesome (and so hard).  Im loving these workouts and actually look FORWARD to them!

I showed yall last week that, although my tummy is looking much tighter these days, theres still work to be done.  I was provided a toning gel formulated to help firm and tone your skin, called Fat Girl SixPack by Bliss.  Im giving it a try and will let you know what I think. The product states that its not a weight loss or fat loss cream, but is formulated with amino acids, creatine, oat kernel extract, latex-rich manilkara tree extract, menthol, and a special botanical extract to help you get firmer skin (in combination with exercise and a healthy diet).

I have the exercise and healthy diet going on, so lets see if I notice any difference with this gel.  Im going to follow the directions and put it on my stomach twice a day for 20-30 seconds for 2 weeks and will report back with my "findings".  I have tried it once (you pump the bottle up and massage the gel into your skin with the applicator. Its easy to apply and the cream feels nice and tingly on your skin- perhaps from the menthol.  

With bikini season/shorts and sundress weather right around the corner, now is the time to start working toward that body you want. ;)  Are you ready to start making some changes so you feel healthy, beautiful and happy this summer?  Have you tried Fat Girl SixPack?  If so, Id love to hear what you think.  You can buy it at most beauty supply stores like Ulta or Sephora.   

Below are some pics I snapped on Sunday night, which shows where Im starting with my Fat Girl SixPack, and also marks 13 weeks out from my bikini competition.  

Lets kick some butt this week! 

*Thanks to Bliss for sponsoring todays post.

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