during pregnancy weight loss plan | Its My Favorite

during pregnancy weight loss plan

"Its My Favorite" 

 1. 

a new mini series of sweet moments 

Holding hands with Kael is my favorite. He will get a burst of energy and run ahead. In his minds eye, hes chasing a tiger or flying like Buzz Lightyear. But then, he will  stop in his tracks and reach out with a huge grin on his face (his grin slays me)  and asks to hold my hand. It never gets old. All of a sudden, time slows down and I can feel every part of myself soaking up the precious feelings of trust and tenderness. Watching my 2.5 year old toddler turn into a little boy has been the most amazing chapter of life that Samuel and I have experienced, so far. Last night, Samuel walked into the kitchen with tears in his eyes, after tucking in our  little Forest friend and said, "Gosh I love our sons, Jess... Kael, hes just so sweet." More tears well up in his eyes, with a smile that leaves my heart in a puddle. Those are the moments I live for. There are days of whining, frustration and tears, of course. But, I am overwhelmed with tidal waves of love and awe, as I watch this boy of ours lavish sweetness and the most sincere affection on our hearts.

 Kael, you can hold my hand forever.

Jess

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weight loss after pregnancy how long | Its not jealousy

weight loss after pregnancy how long

This post originally appeared on my now defunct blog on February 20, 2014, while I was waiting to for my second miscarriage to begin.  After two more miscarriages, Ive been thinking a lot about my relationship with friends and family who are pregnant or have babies.  Its hard.  So hard.  I hate that I cry when I hear pregnancy announcements or simply a mention of pregnancy or babies.  I hate that I cant put my feelings aside and feel only joy for the expectant parents.  I struggle to hate only these feelings and not myself for having them, so this post was good for me to reread. The thoughts and feelings I put in this post are still as true after my fourth miscarriage as they were after my first.  

Before I got pregnant with Lucia, seeing pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies was hard.  That was jealousy.  I wanted to have a baby and begrudged those who either were in the position to have a baby (married, out of school, stable job, whatever) when I wasnt or those who had babies even though their positions were less than desirable.  In fact, I cant say that I could even feel happy for those who were having babies while I was not.  All I could see was myself - my desires, my fears, my anger, my hurt, my jealousy.  I wanted what they had and if I couldnt have it, I didnt want them to have it either.  I dont feel good about admitting that.  Those feelings came from a less than charitable place.  That jealousy was sinful and soul-eating. 

After my miscarriages, its often very, very hard to see pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies.  But its not jealousy.  In fact, my feelings have very little, if nothing, to do with the women who are making those announcements or in those pictures or holding those babies.  For them, I feel happiness.  I feel joy at the beauty of new life.  Having Lucia, I know the immense blessings of motherhood and I am so happy that other women get to experience it.  I truly wish motherhood was available to all who desired it; infertility breaks my heart and I cannot begin to imagine the pain carried by the women who suffer from it. 

The reason these things cause me pain is not because of jealousy.  No, I do not begrudge other women their babies.  And I dont want their babies for myself.  I want my babies.  The ones I lost.  The unique human beings that I carried in my womb.  They have their own souls, their own personalities.  Their own DNA.  They cannot be exchanged for anothers child.  Those announcements and pictures and sweet little babies simply remind me of what I lost.  What I can never have.  Even if I get pregnant again and the child makes it to birth and I get to hold that baby in my arms and I get to hug and kiss and raise it, that baby will not replace the ones Ive lost.  

And I imagine if the day does come when I get to birth another baby, that too will cause me pain.  That too will be a reminder of the moments that Ill never have with two of my children.  And it doesnt mean Ill love that child less or that that child herself will be the cause of my pain.  Again, the feeling will have little to do with her.  For her, I will feel joy and love and the million other complex emotions that come with motherhood.  But it will still be a reminder of what once was and what could have been.  

One of the most important things Ive done for myself in this healing process has been to acknowledge that these feelings are not bad.  Unlike the jealousy I felt years ago, these feelings dont come from sin.  These feelings come from grief, loss, pain.  They are not cruel or angry or hurtful.  They simply are.  I know not all women whove had miscarriages struggle with pregnancy announcements or visiting new babies.  We all grieve in our own unique ways.  But I do struggle.  And thats ok.

Not all pregnancy announcements bother me, nor do all newborns.  Ive had several friends announce pregnancies or have babies since my miscarriage in October and I was unaffected by the news.  The most difficult reminders have been the ones that are the most obvious reminders - those who have due dates similar to mine.  Watching their bellies grow throughout pregnancy is kind of like watching the ghost of my pregnancy.  What would have been.  What will never be.  I imagine as we near my due date and those babies are born, it will become even harder.  I often wonder if Ill see those children five, ten, fifteen years down the road and still feel sadness, still imagine what would have been, still try to imagine how my child would have been similar or different.  Only time will tell.

In addition to acknowledging that these feelings are ok, Ive also allowed myself to block the reminders that have caused me pain, at least for a time.  Ive unfollowed the blogs of women who are due within a month of my due date and hidden friends from my Facebook newsfeed for the same reason.  Ive left groups where pregnancy talk was too difficult to bear.  At times, Ive left Facebook and stopped reading blogs altogether for a period.  At first, I felt that I was allowing myself to be weak.  Or letting my weakness rule me.  Now Im starting to realize that we need to honor our feelings and protect ourselves.  Maybe it is weak to not be able to see cute bump photos.  Weak or not, right now, thats what I need.  I know it wont be forever.  

Im coming up on a difficult time - one of the pains of miscarrying so early in a pregnancy is that as a general rule, people dont announce pregnancies that early.  So in a few weeks, Ill start seeing announcements that correspond to my due date.  And not long after that, the due date of my first miscarriage will be here.  And if it ends up being too much, Im not going to force myself to be strong.  Im going to turn off my computer and let myself cry.



Right now, Im facing my first close friend/family member with a due date close to mine and the feeling are even more raw and the pregnancy impossible to ignore (and I dont want to ignore it anyway). I cant just turn off my computer anymore. The pregnancy is right in front of me as will be the baby. Im struggling to not let the sadness of our loss overwhelm the joy I feel for our new little family member. 

On top of that, with the number of losses mounting, it seems like there is a difficult date around every corner. February - first anniversary of our second miscarriage; May - first anniversary of our first miscarried childs due date (when our Francis would be turning one!); June - due date of our third miscarried child, Adrienne; July - due date of our fourth miscarried child, Christian; September - first anniversary of our second miscarried childs due date (when Julian would be turning one). There are other dates in there too - dates we conceived and when we got positive pregnancy tests and, for two of our babies, the days we found out they were no longer alive in an ultrasound. Those dates are imprinted in my mind, but for now, Im trying to only remember miscarriage and due dates. Its too much of a burden when Im trying so very, very hard to focus on the future in a positive way and stop longing for the What Might Have Beens.

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healthy pregnancy weight loss diet | Penumbra Baby 28 week bumpdate

healthy pregnancy weight loss diet

Im not much of a "bumpdate" person. (Though Im not much of a birth story person either, and I wrote one of those.) When my favorite bloggers post pregnancy updates, I mostly just look at the pictures. I never blogged regular pregnancy updates when I was pregnant with Lucia but somehow, this time, it just seemed right - maybe even necessary - to share a little more gratuitously about this pregnancy.

A while back, I read this article that discussed the use of the term "penumbra baby" for a child that comes after loss. Ive never really felt comfortable with the more common term "rainbow baby" (not sure exactly why) and it was somehow very fulfilling to find a term that really resonated with me. Heres an excerpt from the article that explains the word an exactly why its so apt:

The word penumbra means “partially shaded area” and while I like and use the term rainbow babies, I think this one might be a better description. These babies are born in the shadow of their older siblings who died. Because I’m fascinated by words and their meanings, I find it interesting that she used the term penumbra, meaning partially shaded, and not umbra, or fully shaded. With a penumbra, some light is still coming through, which I find rather beautiful. Children born in the shadow of loss are definitely not replacement children! Unlike a rainbow, a shadow is not fleeting or illusory, but always present and always changing. When the sun rises and sets, our shadows are long, casting a deeper, darker presence over our lives. When the sun is high overhead, our shadows are barely present. No matter where you go or what you do, your shadow is with you. It changes as you change. It is unique to your shape. A shadow cannot exist without some light, even if that light is small.  

When you are pregnant after a loss, the shadow of your past pregnancy will always be there. Some days you will feel its presence deeply, as if the light were dim and the shadow in front of you. Some days, you will hardly notice it. The sun will be bright overhead.

Its important to me that this pregnancy and this child are never "fully shaded", that I allow some light to come through. So Im determined to celebrate this pregnancy in whatever ways I can. I may not be taking weekly beautiful, well-lit and well-orchestrated pictures with fruits and veggies, but I have been taking grainy, poorly lit picture sporadically because I do want there to be pictures. (And we are going to get professional maternity pictures next month.) I do want there to be memories. I want to be able to look back and say, that was a blessed time when my child was growing within me. Ive always thought I would do a pregnancy update post at some point in this pregnancy (although probably only one) and 28 weeks, the start of the third trimester, seems as good a time as any.

how far along: By the "official" dating: 28 weeks, 3 days; by my dating: 29 weeks, 1 day. Im totally fine with going along with the doctors date though. Lucia was 8 days "late" so a later due date just prepares me for a little longer of a wait and, more importantly, gives me an extra cushion before other people start asking "Have you had the baby yet?"

days until due date: 80

symptoms: Ive had pretty much the full gamut of "normal" pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness, lethargy, etc. in the first trimester. Mostly feeling better during the second trimester, other than a few tough weeks around our move when I probably was just doing way too much. In the past few weeks, the third trimester symptoms have really hit - heartburn, swelling, hip and pelvic pain. I have had a few symptoms that I think are pretty unique to me though. One of the first early signs that Im pregnant is frequent headaches. Unless Im ill, the only time I ever get headaches is during the first trimester of pregnancy (its been consistent with all of my six pregnancies so far). Also, Ive developed allergies to peanuts. Nothing major, just an itchy throat when I eat them. I had this with Lucia too, only not with peanuts but with bananas and almonds (so far, those dont seem to bother me). Apparently food allergies just during pregnancy is a thing, though not particularly common.

cravings: Hmmm, I probably need to ask David about this one. Hummus. A bagel with lox. Honestly, its pretty much like my pregnancy with Lucia - I dont crave much in the realm of weird and cravings dont come out of nowhere, but if I see or hear someone talk about a food that sounds good, I cant get the thought of it out of my head. So commercials and cooking shows are my worst enemy right now. Though heartburn is severely cutting down on my appetite because no matter how good something tastes, I know it is just NOT worth the heartburn.

On our fifth anniversary

comparisons: Obviously, this pregnancy is emotionally much more difficult than my very blissful, naive, and perfectly healthy pregnancy with Lucia, but its also been physically harder. Not so much so that anything is out of the ordinary, its all within the range of "normal", but its certainly a noticeable difference. Other than the first trimester morning sickness and fatigue and third trimester heartburn, I otherwise felt amazing my whole pregnancy with Lucia. This entire pregnancy Ive been tired and sluggish and just not feeling quite well. The morning sickness was worse (I think I only threw up twice with Lucia, but often a half dozen times per day this pregnancy) although both times it tapered off around 13 weeks. Heartburn has started much, much earlier this time - at around 25 weeks compared to probably 34 with Lucia. I remember that being the absolute worst part of her pregnancy and was hoping to put it off as long as possible.

Ive also just been so much more sore this time around. I never had hip or pelvic pain with my first pregnancy and its been a bit surprising (and painful!) this time around. I also never had Braxton Hicks contractions before this pregnancy, and Ive been having them since around 18 weeks. I usually dont have them too often other than when Im upset and then they are super painful and constant. Not having any BH made it really easy to tell when I was going into labor - Im worried about not being able to tell real from false labor as the due date gets closer.

I dont think having an older child to care for has affected the pregnancy all that much (other than Lucia making me melt with her really sweet, adorable bonding with baby - that is so precious). Lucia tends to nap every day and I nap with her so I still get my daily nap in. I havent been sleeping very well at night the entire pregnancy (whereas I slept like a baby until the heartburn kicked in last time), but I dont think thats related to having an older child because Lucia usually sleeps through the night. Shes old enough that Im not constantly on my feet running after her and shes pretty independent and helpful, but I am probably more active this time walking over to the school playground with her and taking her to parks and such.

Ive gained a lot less weight this pregnancy. Im sure thats due to the increase in morning sickness and early onset of heartburn more than anything else. But Im also carrying low, so maybe these differences mean its a boy? Oh, and probably the biggest difference is that this baby is extremely, extremely active. Way more than Lucia ever was. The movements and kicks are much more frequent and sometimes actually really painful which is crazy for a baby this small (and its already been happening for weeks). I can often see my stomach very noticeably moving which didnt happen very often with Lucia and not until the end. David is convinced that this means we are having an active little boy.

speaking of babys sex: No, we didnt/we dont find out if were having a boy or girl. Its just the way we like to do it. We didnt find out with Lucia and the surprise was just so exciting. And it drives other people crazy which is fun too. I will admit I was much more tempted this time to peek during the ultrasound than I was with Lucia, but I stayed strong.

Do I have any gut feelings? Boy, I guess. But I was 100% sure Lucia was a boy from my gut feeling and I have the reputation of being 100% wrong when guessing the sex of friends and family members babies so I think my gut feeling of boy means that its most likely a girl. Obviously, we really dont care if its a boy or girl and were just super excited to find out exactly who this little person is that God has sent to our family.

names? We do have a boy and a girl name picked out and most of our friends and family know them, but Im not ready to share here yet. Were having a bit of trouble with a girl middle name, so I emailed Kate at the Catholic baby naming blog, Sancta Nomina, for a name consultation and it will be published next month so at least our girls name will be out of the bag then.

Lucia is: very excited. And super, super sweet. She talks about baby all the time and asks every person she meets, "Did you know my mommy has a baby in her tummy?" Shes very excited to hold baby and play with baby and teach baby everything. She will randomly come up to me and kiss my belly and talk to baby. She calls it "my baby" or "our baby". The last of her friends to have a younger sibling, shes so excited to finally get to be a big sister. Im not sure how this will play out when baby is actually here, but I have a feeling shell be very helpful and the jealousy will be minimal. My younger brother and I are five years apart and I was a helpful big sister who adored the baby and was never jealous. Lucia and baby will be four years apart and although her temperament is much different than mine, I think the reaction will be much the same.

We got this gorgeous family photo taken at Davids cousins wedding.
First professional photo as a family of four!

best part of pregnancy so far: Ive loved holding my belly in the last few weeks. Ive finally gotten big enough that I have a round, very pregnant belly and I think its beautiful and pretty amazing. Just looking in the mirror and rubbing my belly has been such a blessing. I dont know why, but it seems so strange to actually be this physically, visibly pregnant. I think there was a part of me that thought I would never get to this point and that kind of didnt believe I was actually pregnant with a real, live baby (despite the ultrasounds and really obvious symptoms). But now that I can see it, its starting to feel very concrete. I catch myself smiling when I see my belly in the mirror.

As for the best specific moment, yesterday, we went to a Rockies (baseball for those non-sporties out there) game yesterday and toward the end, a woman came up to me on her way out and said, "I just had to tell you youre a gorgeous pregnant woman. If I ever get pregnant, I hope I look like you - all belly!" And then she told me how beautiful Lucia was. Yep, that was a winner, especially since I was greasy with sunscreen and had be sweating profusely the whole game so basically felt like a hot, slimy whale. But apparently a gorgeous one.

prayer request: One of babys kidneys was larger than normal on my 20 week ultrasound, so I have a follow up ultrasound next month. The doctor made it sound like this issue is fairly common and often resolves itself, but even if it doesnt it is not a major problem. Im not particularly worried, but prayers would be appreciated. Ive entrusted baby and this pregnancy to the intercession of Blesseds Zelie and Louis Martin (the soon-to-be canonized parents of St. Therese of Lisieux). Also, prayers for the financial/insurance concerns of this pregnancy would be appreciated as well. Thank you!

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weight loss during pregnancy normal | These Boys

weight loss during pregnancy normal

This picture pretty much sums up the interactions between these two boys. Kael is in the ultimate boyish world of rough housing and all things loud, fast and strong. Poor little Cedar is caught in the cross hairs of his big brothers imaginative play, all too often. He runs and totters after his brother through the halls, but never seems to quite catch up. I laugh so often at Cedars adoration of his big brother. Forget any and all baby toys.  He is only interested in what Kael touches and loves.

I can count on one hand the moments of snuggles, sweetness and tender interactions between them. Kaels just not interested and thats ok.  I try to be understanding to Kael,  not putting expectation on his small almost 3 year old heart. He shouldnt be old enough to disappoint me. Thats ridiculous.  And if I find myself in that emotional place, I need a serious heart check. They will find their own way and friendship, down the road. Until that season comes, Im enjoying them in their own individual way. Its amazing to me the amount of love for these boys that fills my heart. In all the crazy, the hectic, the mess, the tears, knocks and bruises, there is so much love. And saying "my boys" thrills me to the core every time. I wouldnt trade this time for anything. 

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pregnancy weight loss during pregnancy | Its My Favorite

pregnancy weight loss during pregnancy

"Its My Favorite" 

 2. 

a new mini series of sweet moments and favorite things

The more I allow my heart to realize its loved, the more I desire to love, and when I love, my heart feels complete and whole. Every emotion that competes with that love starts to become weakened inside of me and more of a memory than a close companion. Im never happier and more at rest inside of myself than when I lean into that place. For me, to accept love is to be vulnerable, weak and brave. To give love, is to be vulnerable, weak and brave. Thats beauty, this is what grace is to me.  My prayer is that I live in this place of weakness and bravery to let love flood in, pouring into the hearts of every living soul around me.  Loving is my favorite. 

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overnight weight loss during pregnancy | Backyard Friends

overnight weight loss during pregnancy

Warm days are treasures to me! Weve had SO much rain and unseasonably chilly weather that a sunny day is kind of sacred now. Lorean, one of my closest girlfriends, dropped by my house last week with her kids Micah and Asher. (Who I adore like my own!)  Micah and Kael have been buddies since they were born and it was all squeals and giggles on our back deck, as Micah doused Kael with the water hose. He kept yelling for her to get him and she gladly obliged, haha.  They were both in heaven. When I heard all of their happy laughs and screams, I jumped outside to take a few pictures. I love these crazy kids so much and I love how they are growing up together. I cant believe they will both be 3 this year?! (tears) Memories of gold for me right here. 

BTW, If you have dont have a kiddie pool, put your water hose on "mist!" its the best water gun and source of entertainment for warm days at our house! 

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weight loss during pregnancy last month | Plenty of Time

weight loss during pregnancy last month

I often hear, "Youre young, you still have plenty of time to have another child."

Its true.  While I certainly dont take it for granted, I know that there is a good chance that we will eventually have another living child, maybe several. I doubt well have the large family we always wanted, but Lucia will probably not be an only child.

So, since its true, why is it so hurtful?  Because, in essence, its a non sequitur.  People who say it arent addressing the root of my sadness.  Im not mourning my future fertility.  Im not upset because Im never going to have another child.  (Though I certainly will worry about that until we do.)  Im grieving what might have been and will never be.

Im grieving the four souls that I will never meet in this world.  No future child will replace them.  They are each unique individuals, with unique DNA, unique souls.  They would have had their own mannerisms, their own unique appearance, their own dreams, and talents, and preferences.  They are irreplaceable.  I am not mourning that I dont have another child, Im mourning those specific children.  My children, who my husband and I conceived in love and who we love deeply.

Im grieving that my daughter will not have a sibling close in age.  Yes, she may still have sibling(s).  Yes, she may still be very close to them even if they are far in age.  Yes, even if she had siblings close in age, she may have had dysfunctional relationships with them.  But there is still something lost there.  Something we desired so greatly, to have children close in age.  Something she desires so greatly when she pines for a sibling and asks why all her friends have little siblings.  That is something lost that cannot be recovered.

Im grieving the dreams I had for my life and my family.  Even though I know that we can have an equally beautiful life with the cards weve been handed, it still hurts to have to close the door on what I desire so deeply.

Im grieving the loss of joy that comes with pregnancy.  Four out of five times, those two pink lines have meant, "Im going to have a miscarriage," instead of, "Im going to have a baby."  And now the thought of pregnancy brings nothing but despair and grief.  The thought of holding another child in my arms continues to give us the hope to move forward but the pregnancy itself is greatly dreaded.  I mourn the fact that I will never again burst with joy upon seeing a positive pregnancy test. Im much more likely to break down in tears. 

Im grieving my lack of healthy fertility and the natural process of conception and pregnancy that weve had to leave behind.  Having to give myself shots and have surgery and chart cervical mucus and time intercourse and give blood so often that I feel like a pincushion makes me feel more like a science experiment than a young wife trying to create new life through the love of her husband. I am so grateful that modern medicine is available to help us figure out why our babies are dying and give the next baby a chance at life. But this is not how God intended it to be. And Im mourning the natural, beautiful process that has been stolen from me and replaced with a sterile, medicalized path to parenthood.  We will never have the opportunity to say, "This month, lets try for a baby!" and then just...try.  We wont ever be able to just "let God decide" and have a pregnancy happen when it happens.  No, well always have to carefully chart and get medications and meet with the doctor before we try to conceive.

Im grieving my loss of innocence.  Oh, how sweet it all was when pregnancy and sex and trying to conceive and our future family only held such happy things!  When pain and sadness didnt seep into every aspect of my life.  When I could see a pregnant belly and not feel a twinge of jealousy along with joy.  Im so much wiser now and I think a bit more compassionate, but the expense of that was so great. So, so great.

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major weight loss during pregnancy | Style

major weight loss during pregnancy

My style has evolved with my lifestyle. I have to be able to throw it on, feel awesome and be ready to run with my rascals. For the most part, simple and billowing layers are my go to.  I dont encourage myself or others to have this as a practice, but I might have slept in the tee and leggings a time or two, then rolled out of bed after throwing on this sweater and a few rings... bam. haha. btw, I rarely wear anything but moccasins. But, these booties are THE most comfortable shoes ever. Samuel bought them for me and I have been living in them all week.

oversized tee: h&m
scarf: h&m
leggings: h&m
sweater: forever 21
boots: seychelles -anthropologie

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weight loss late pregnancy | After Surgery

weight loss late pregnancy

On Friday, I had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to look for the cause of my recurrent miscarriages. My doctor found extensive endometriosis and was able to remove most of it. After the surgery, he commented to my husband that he was surprised I had even been able to get pregnant with how much I had.

Since informing friend and family, Ive been asked several times how I feel about learning I have endometriosis. Some have assumed Id be quite jubilant because We have an answer! And the doctor removed it! Others assumed Id be quite depressed about the news because Endometriosis is a life long struggle! It comes back! Those conclusions are both quite apt. Im feeling a lot of mixed emotions.

Im trying to be really optimistic about it all. I am glad we have an answer but there is truly no way to know if endometriosis caused my losses or is just one of several reproductive issues I face that have combined to cause four losses.We are hopeful that this was the missing puzzle piece and that our next pregnancy will carry to term but I have to keep in mind that this might be just one piece in a still incomplete puzzle.  We initially thought low progesterone was the cause and naively assumed that progesterone shots would result in live babies. They didnt. So, while I hope this is exactly what was needed, I must also remind myself that conception and pregnancy is an extremely complex process in which so many things must go right (and therefore so many things can go wrong) in order to have a living child at the end.  Even if endometriosis caused all my previous losses, something completely different - genetic abnormalities or whatever - can cause the next pregnancy to end far too early. In this world of modern medicine, its tempting to think that we can control nature and the human body through medicine. But we cant. I imagine any doctor can tell you. We can often work with nature, but we cannot control it outright.

But even if we knew for sure that the cause of all my heartache was endometriosis, that diagnosis is scary enough. It will come back so its something that Ill always live with and something that will always threaten my fertility and babies in utero. I worry that I wont realize its growing back until its caused another loss or two. I didnt have many of the typical symptoms of endometriosis, so the losses themselves were really the only reason to suspect it.  

I was hoping it was something else with a more permanent fix, though certainly its much better that having no answer or one with no treatment at all.  Endometriosis is not a very unexpected diagnosis. A gynecologist offhandedly told my teenaged self that I most likely had endometriosis and would never be able to have children (thank goodness she as wrong about that second part).  My doctor expected he would find some and the NaProTechnology website states, "In women with repetitive miscarriage, 85 percent will have endometriosis."  So, not a surprise, but also not a reality I was willing to face or think through until I got the final verification. And my doctor gave me some lovely pictures of my endometriosis-riddled insides so there is no denying it now.  

I feel like Im facing an important decision: how do I react to this news? Do I put all my fears aside and choose to see this as an opportunity to trust God? Or do I wallow in the fears of what is to come? Certainly I dont think endometriosis or miscarriage are Gods doing, but I do know that, if you let Him, God can bring goodness and beauty out of anything. Even the ugliness of organs scarred (and adhered together!) by endometriosis. That, my friends is disgusting to look at (what exactly am I supposed to do with those pictures anyhow?) but God is working in me to bring goodness out of it all. Even if we dont have more living children. And Im starting to be ok with that - a future filled with Gods goodness and beauty, a future of meaning, a future as just a family of three.

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pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester | Its ok to know what you need and what you need to avoid

pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester

This past weekend was the second Edel Gathering. It looked fun and lovely and inspiring. This year was the second year I didnt go. Both years I could have gone. We could have made it work financially. My husband was very supportive of me having a weekend away. I wanted to go. There were so many ladies I wanted to see (and meet) that would be there. Im sure I would have had a great time. But for two years in a row, the timing would have made it too painful.

Last year, I knew several women who were going and bringing along their couple month old babies. Our Francis would have been a few months old. I also knew several ladies who would be seven months pregnant. I would have been seven months pregnant with Julian. The miscarriages were still so raw then and it seemed like the reminders would have been too plentiful for me to have enjoyed myself.

I had planned to go to Edel this year, up until a week before the tickets were released. I got a positive pregnancy test and with the due date being next week, it was quite impossible to attend the conference ten days before a baby was set to arrive. And then I miscarried and I could go, but once again, it seemed like going would be too painful knowing that the only reason I was there was because my baby died. Due dates are pretty dark times for me and having two less than a month apart has cast a long shadow over this June and July. Its possible that going to Edel could have been exactly what I needed to lift me out of this funk, but its just as possible that I would have been emotionally miserable the whole time. It wasnt worth it to spend so much money and make arrangements for childcare without knowing which way it would pan out.

Im 100% sure I made the right decision. I used to try to force myself to events or else feel guilty for letting my losses "get the best of me" and dictate what I do. But now Im pretty confident in my decisions. While I can force myself to go to events, I cant force myself to enjoy them and there is no triumph in going to an event only to be miserable the whole time. And staying home does not mean that Ive let my losses rule my life, it means that Im wise enough to know what I need (or what I need to avoid) in the healing process and that Ive given myself the permission and grace to heal.

Now, when it comes to the events of others - a baby shower, meeting a new friends baby, a get together where I suspect a pregnancy announcement will be made (and Im right 99% of the time), the birthday party of a child who would be about the age of one of my lost littles, etc. - I do force myself to go. I completely support others who decide to stay home from similar events, but I know my weaknesses and the truth is that I can all too easily get tied up in my own pain and self pity if I let myself focus only on me. Its important to me that I force myself to take part in the joy of others and that I do not allow myself excuses to let my personal sorrow overshadow others celebrations. I will not let the death of my children prevent me from celebrating the gifts of life around me, even if my celebration isnt always heartfelt.

Ive found that the only way it gets easier is to go through these events anyway, kind of the whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Eventually they get easier, after so many times of going to celebrations for a particular child (and crying at home afterwards), its no longer painful to be around her - shell still remind me of the child I lost with a similar due date, but the feelings of intense grief dont show up every time I see her little face.

So I do always go to others events in order to force me outside of myself, but when it comes to events for me like Edel, or going to moms groups or play dates or girls night out, etc., I no longer worry about what I "should" be doing. I listen to what I need and then a unapologetically allow myself to do just that. My miscarriages are a part of my life, now and forever. I can pretend they never happened and force myself to live as if they hadnt, but its much more beneficial to acknowledge them and find a way to incorporate them into my life. Sometimes that means staying home, missing out, saying "no". And thats ok.

This is what I imagine Edel was like. 

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pregnancy weight loss last month | Pregnancy After Loss Yes I am

pregnancy weight loss last month

We planned to wait to share our newest pregnancy until after we saw a heartbeat. And if there was no heartbeat, we were just going to to keep it to ourselves. The public nature of our losses has been difficult. But I started bleeding heavily on Thursday at five and a half weeks pregnant and I felt like we could use some prayers. So we shared widely and requested prayers, so I might as well share the news here as well. The bleeding has since stopped and we went in for an ultrasound which revealed that the gestational sac was still there and measuring correctly. Its too early to see a baby or heartbeat, but the news is reassuring so far and were grateful my doctor didnt think I was a complete nut (or if he did think so, he humored me anyway) and had us come in to take a peek.

I really pride myself on not being crazy or over reacting during pregnancy. Im not a worrier by nature and while Im often a pessimist, I dont tend to let fears get to me. In truth, when I get a positive pregnancy test, I expect a miscarriage withing two months and not a baby in nine, but I other than contacting my doctor and taking what precautions we can, I acknowledge that if we are going to miscarry there isnt a whole lot we can do about it. But Ive never experienced bleeding in pregnancy like this before and it was the uncertainty that was killing me. If we miscarried, fine - wed get through it. But I just needed to know if we had or not. Had I bled like this before my first miscarriage, I doubt would have called the doctor at all. I know that some bleeding, even heavy bleeding can occur in a normal and healthy pregnancy. But this time, I found myself freaking out for the first time, calling my doctor several times, begging to go in for an ultrasound (lest you think my doctor is heartless, he very well may have agreed to an ultrasound without begging but because I didnt get a hold of him, I was begging over voice mail). I felt desperate and then very foolish for letting my thoughts spiral like that. I hate that my losses have robbed me of my ability to be joyful, relaxed, and even sane during a pregnancy.

Seeing the sac is no guarantee that this pregnancy is healthy. In fact, in three of my four pregnancies, it wasnt until after this point that something was noticeably wrong - the sac grew just fine, but a baby or heartbeat never materialized (in the remaining miscarriage, we lost the baby before this point).  I know not to get my hopes up until we see a heartbeat in a couple weeks, and I assume that even if we do see a heartbeat, Ill probably not fully relax until the baby is born. Even though Ive only had first trimester losses, Im much more aware of loss in general now. I go to a support group in which the majority of mothers had full term losses. (Ill admit to often feeling out of place as the only or one of the only women with first trimester losses at the meetings. Why arent there more? Am I the only woman with early losses who cant just "get over" them and move on? Do these women who lost their full term babies think Im ridiculous for mourning over my early miscarriages?) Anyway, I know those things happen and the fact that they are rare doesnt exactly make me any more comfortable. Even if something only happens to one in a billion, there is no guarantee that the one is not me. After all, its pretty rare to have as many miscarriages in a row as I have, and here I am. Anyone can be a statistic, you know? 

But here is the thing: Im feeling a bit guilty because there was a part of me that wished that I had just miscarried. Not because I want the baby to die - I dont! My most ardent wish is to have a living child! And not just any living child, but this one! This irreplaceable soul who I already love so much and who is a unique and important member of our family. But there is a part of me that feels like miscarriage is inevitable, 100% certain. So if its going to happen, Id rather just have it happen, you know? So I can start healing.  So we can try again.  Its crazy! Who thinks like that?

I really wish there were some better resources out there for pregnancy after loss. There ARE several, of course, but they tend to be based on the fact that you wont miscarry again. There is maybe a page or two on "if you miscarry again". Which makes sense, because its actually pretty rare to have two in a row much less double that. But for women like me, in which miscarriage is the rule and not the exception, I sometimes just want to have someone acknowledge that yes, I may miscarry again. There may not be a "happy ending" in store for this pregnancy. But that it will be okay anyway. That Ill survive.

Anyway, enough rambling. For all of you that are struggling to conceive or who are awaiting your pregnancy after loss, know that I am praying for you.  God bless.

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metformin weight loss during pregnancy | Arrow Ornament DIY

metformin weight loss during pregnancy

These arrows are really sweet and magical. The color combinations are endless and it really is my favorite craft of the year. Even if you think youre not a crafty person, you can make one of these and feel quiet accomplished afterwards.

This is a great project to do with a group of friends or family, parties or get togethers.  I have made these with several groups and every single time, every person is glowing and having the best time, enjoying their new little treasure, regardless of how they view their own artistic abilities.   How sweet would it be to make these Christmas eve with your nearest and dearest?  Im using them as trimmings for gifts and ornaments this holiday season.   You can make them full sized with wooden dowels or you can snap them in half to make mini arrow ornaments for your tree. We made these full sized for a best friends baby shower and she turned them into a mobile for her little girl! So many fun inspirations! 

Enjoy!!!

Supplies:

wooden dowels

paint, paint brush

washi tape or narrow duct tape

feathers or felt cut into feather shapes

string

glitter card stock paper for the arrowhead 

hot glue gun

Merry Christmas friends! 

Thanks to my sweet husband, Samuel for making these DIY videos for me!
Music by: Amina
(They are offering free song downloads counting down for Christmas! )

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weight loss last weeks of pregnancy | Its ok to enjoy the benefits of small families

weight loss last weeks of pregnancy

Ive noticed in Catholic circles that no one ever wants to acknowledge that there are advantages to small families (or disadvantages to large ones). I cant tell you how many Catholic articles or blog posts Ive read that have talked about the advantages of big families or siblings. I think these are beautiful, important, and very needed. But, on the other hand, there is not a single one Ive come across written from a Catholic perspective that talks about the advantages of small families or only children (or families that consist of husband and wife).

Perhaps this is because its assumed that our culture lauds small families and only children (or no children) so there doesnt have to be a Catholic voice for this. But from my experience, the secular articles and posts on the benefits of small families are anything but comforting to a Catholic mother. Inherent in those articles is the understanding that small families are superior, responsible, environmentally-friendly, etc. The overall tone seems to be anti-life and selfish; children are depicted  as commodities to be obtained and enjoyed - thus, having one or two makes them easier to fit into a life full of other, equally important pursuits (career, travel, intellectual advancement, physical perfection, hobbies, etc.) To be lauded for something that is anathema to my beliefs is like a knife to the heart. Im not "choosing" a small family in order to be a good citizen in the culture of death and self-absorption.

I think there is this fear that if we talk about the positives of small families (or the negatives of big ones) that well be promoting this mentality that elevates the small family for selfish reasons, and therefore will be steering Catholics away from being open to life or Gods plan for our families. Instead, it alienates Catholic parents with small families and puts pressure on large families to always seem perfect. Of course, there are advantages and disadvantages to both small and large families (and medium size, too) and denying that fact makes Catholics seem out of touch with reality.

Recently Ive noticed that at church or other Catholic events, its extremely rare for us to be told we have a "beautiful family". Extremely rare. And yet the large families all around us hear it several times each Sunday. Im not sure exactly why that is. I have a handsome husband and adorable daughter and more than that, I think we radiate the joyfulness of Christ and family life. But were a small family. We dont fit into the Catholic ideal.

I yearn for a large family. Not because its perfect or I idealize it, but because I love children and love being a mother and because I believe that the joy additional children bring to a family is always worth the added difficulties. In addition to joy, it seems that there are also some very practical benefits to having more children. But since I have a small family (and perhaps always will) I want to stop being afraid to talk openly about (or feel guilty about having) the practical benefits of a small family.

So Ill say it: Having one living child makes many things easier. I have more time to rest, more time with my husband, more time for hobbies, more one-on-one time with my daughter. We have more money and less material needs. We can get by with a smaller apartment, a smaller kitchen table, and smaller car. We can get out of the door faster and travel easier. And its ok if I enjoy these advantages.

Because Im sure that while they are struggling with all the difficulties of having a large family, the moms of many are enjoying the blessings of their extra children. There is no need for me to be a martyr by suffering the pain of secondary infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss AND feeling guilty/unable to enjoy the advantages that come with my small family.

My family is small but beautiful. We may not have many children but we have more time and resources to spend on the one beautiful blessing we do have. Im not ashamed of our small family and Im not guilty that I have many things "easier" than moms of many. They have the blessings of their many children and I have other blessings that, while I dont think are equal in value because what can even approach the value of a human life???, I can certainly appreciate and enjoy.

Other, even better blog posts on this topic:

The Only Guilt (Annery at Home)
The Double Edged Knife: Guilt and the Small Family (Molly Makes Do)
Benefits of Larger Child Spacing (One Catholic Mama)

And while youre at it, read the beautiful post Molly just wrote On Miscarriage and Mordor (you dont have to be a Tolkien fan to appreciate it, but it certainly helps).

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