baby losing weight in first week | My Grief Checklist

baby losing weight in first week

We all made it to Colorado safely! Since were still busy unpacking and with a wedding this weekend (Im matron of honor and Lucia is flower girl), I thought Id resurrect another miscarriage post from my old blog. This post originally appeared on December 13, 2013, a couple months after my first miscarriage on Messy Wife, Blessed Life. Ive updated it a bit to reflect my additional losses. This also got me thinking about what I need right now, a sort of "Pregnancy After Loss Checklist", so I might just have to write a post about that soon.
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A contributor of one of the pregnancy loss ebooks I read (Sunshine After the Storm) wrote this about a "grief checklist":

This is a tool to help you build a list to help others help you. Friends and family may not have any idea of what would be helpful to you.  It is wonderful when people just DO things, but often they may ask you what you need...

Ive been thinking quite a bit about what would have been helpful right after my losses (and what would be helpful still).  The first few days, I had no idea how I felt, and therefore didnt know what exactly I needed.  I received some kind offers for help from friends, but I didnt take them up on them.  In hindsight, I should have.  After about a week, I could tell people exactly what I needed, but at that point, most had stopped asking if they could help and I didnt feel comfortable asking.  

Im totally in agreement with the quote above - it was much more helpful for someone to just DO than to ASK.  Just call and say you are bringing over dinner.  Just call and say, "Im coming over so you dont have to be alone." or "Im picking up Lucia so you and David can spend time together."  If I really didnt want you to, I would say so.  But if you ask if you can do those things, I will most likely say no because as much as I know I should accept help, I hate to inconvenience others. 

Im not writing this as a guideline of what you should do if you have a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss or what you yourself will need if you go through this.  This is a list of my own personal needs, though I suspect that many women have similar needs (many of these ideas I got through reading about others experiences and realizing Yes, that would help me too.)  Grief is different for everyone; some women will find comfort in certain things that would only further the pain for other, but you can use this as a jumping off point for writing your own list or coming up with ideas to help those you love.

I should also mention that I dont expect any one person to do all the things on this list - one person sending flowers after a loss and another person asking how Im doing and a third person sending a card on a special date - thats all I need. Dont feel like you need to be everything to your friend or family member who has had a loss. Do what you can - hopefully she has a strong support system that together will fill all her needs.

• Say "Im sorry". I know its hard to say the perfect thing (is there a perfect thing to say anyway?) but its unfortunately easy to say something unintentionally hurtful, especially if you havent experienced a loss yourself.  You cant go wrong with a simple, "Im sorry for your loss".  
• Tell me you are praying for me. And then pray.  A lot.
• Acknowledge that I lost a CHILD.  A baby. A person. A unique human being.  Do not use a euphemism like "tissue" or "pregnancy" or "possibility of a child" or "opportunity".  A good rule of thumb for what to say after a loss is to only say things you would say to a parent that lost a 10 year old.  Would you tell them, "You can always get pregnant again"? For me, that meant that the speaker didnt recognize my child was unique and could never be replaced.  I dont just mourn the fact that I wont have a baby to hold come May, but I miss that specific, irreplaceable child with his/her own personality, preferences and quirks.  
• Dont call my baby an "angel".  This is something thats very specific to me, Im sure many other mothers dont mind or actually prefer "angel baby".  Im not sure if there are any Christian faiths that believe that people in heaven become angels, but as a Catholic, I believe that angels are beings created separately from humans.  I believe my children most likely in heaven.  But wings?  No.  I want my child to be celebrated for what he/she really is - a child of God who is in heaven with Him.  I understand the good intentions behind this, but similar to how I imagine atheists feel when you try to comfort them by telling them their loved one is in heaven, its not comforting to me to be told that my child is something I dont believe he/she can be. 
• Ask me about it.  I want to talk about it, but its a hard topic for me to bring up, especially if I dont know how you might react.  Ask me how I am doing.  Ask me if I want to talk about it.  Ask me to tell you about how the actual miscarriage happened.  Ask me about my feelings and my fears.  If I really am not feeling like talking about it, I will just tell you.  But I dont know if Ive ever felt that way - Im still dying to talk about it to anyone who asks.  And if you worry about what to say in return, you dont have to say much.  Just listen.  You can ask questions if you have them.  It does not open a wound for you to bring it up - believe me, two months later it is still the foremost thought on my mind.
• Ask me my babys name.  Seriously, it was the most touching thing when someone asked me if we named our child, if I minded sharing the name, and then when they used the name in conversation.  I havent shared the name publicly yet, I just havent felt comfortable doing so, but I have been happy to share the name with friends and family one-on-one.  
• Dont ignore it.  Whatever you do, dont act like it never happened.  It did happen.  One of my greatest fears is that no one else will remember this child of mine existed.  Remind me that you still remember.
• Ask me how Im doing. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like people expect me to already be over it.  I felt that way within a week of the miscarriage because after the initial round of "Im sorries", very few mentioned it or asked me how I was doing.  Just having a few people checking in on me periodically made me feel like I had the "approval" to still be mourning and struggling.  I dont know why but I really needed (and still need) friends and family to acknowledge that its normal and expected that Im not "over it" and havent "moved on" yet.
• Spend time with me.  Just come over and sit with me.  Its hard to be alone with my thoughts during the day when David is gone.
• Send me flowers. People send flowers when a baby is born.  When a person dies.  I so badly wanted flowers because I felt like they signified that my baby was real, that the loss was real. Just ask my husband - in the few days following the miscarriage, I told him many times, "I wish someone would just send us flowers." Thankfully, Davids coworkers sent us a beautiful bouquet and I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders when it arrived at the front door.
• Send a card. I received only one card after my miscarriage and it meant so, so much to me.  I will keep that card forever. When someone loses a loved one, people send cards and just like the flowers, it was significant to me because it told me that the sender acknowledged that I actually lost a a child.  It is also something physical that I can hold and look at to remember my babys short life - with a miscarriage, especially an early one, there arent many physical mementos for the parents to keep.
• Give me something to remember my baby by. Again, something physical that I can hold and touch when it gets hard and all I want to do is hold and touch my baby.  Something concrete that reminds me that other people knew my baby existed, that my baby was real and not just a creation of my mind.  Some ideas: a rosary or prayer card, a baby item (hat, booties, etc.), something with the babys name on it, a Christmas ornament that I can hang for our baby every year. 
• Offer specific help with the day-to-day tasks.  For me, its so hard to keep the household running smoothly when I cant focus on anything but the overwhelming sadness.  The first few weeks were even more difficult because I was also physically weak.  Everything is difficult - laundry, grocery shopping, making dinner.  Even playing with Lucia is hard.  I am doing better now, but especially those first few weeks were riddled with guilt on top of grief - guilt that I was not able to focus on Lucia, I lost patience with her, often just needed to lay in bed all day, and I was overall not able to care for her like I should have because I was so wrapped up in my own sadness.  If you could take her somewhere fun or just come play with her while I rest, that would be wonderful.  Bring me dinner (or gift cards for take out).  Drop off groceries and household staples like toilet paper. 
• Remember these dates with me: October 10 and May 8 (Francis Michael), February 21 and September 17 (Julian Gabriel), June 25 (Adrienne Rafael), December 19 and July 21 (Christian Michael).  The first is the day I lost my baby.  The second is my expected due date.  (Adrienne was an early loss and I dont know exactly what day I lost her, so I only remember the due date.) Ive gone through quite a due dates and even the one year anniversary of Francis Michaels due date (when he would be turning one) and they continue to be hard. If you sent me a card on those days, or called me, or plan to spend time with me on those days, I would feel a little less alone.  Also, holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Mothers Day will be hard.  Let me know youre specifically thinking and praying for me on those days.  And not just this first year, every year on those dates and holidays has been difficult.
• Use delicacy when announcing/discussing your pregnancies. I dont want you to hide your joy or to feel like Im not happy for you.  Because I am, I am so, so happy for you!  Having lost my child does not diminish the miracle of yours.  Im not jealous - I dont wish you wouldnt have a baby and I dont wish that your baby was mine.  Its just a reminder of my own loss.  And sometimes that reminder is too much.  Too raw.  Especially if you have a due date close to mine - its like the ghost of my pregnancy haunting me.  All I ask is that you initially tell me in private, especially if you plan to later announce in public where I might not have the chance to privately deal with my emotions.  By all means, share with me the big news - the healthy ultrasounds and the sex if you find out - but I could probably skip the minute details of your pregnancy, especially the complaining.  You have every right to complain - pregnancy is HARD - but just not to me, please?  Not now.  If I ask, complain away!  Sometimes I feel perfectly fine talking about it.  But sometimes, its just like a knife to the heart. Im usually fine being around babies, but sometimes its hard - around due dates or just for seemingly no reason at all. If I choose not to hold your baby or wait a while before coming to visit after the birth, be patient with me.
• Dont forget my husband. I didnt mention when I originally wrote this post, but after a few more losses, Ive realized how much support fathers need as well and how often they are left out. Ask HIM how hes doing. Pray for him and let him know that you are specifically including him in your prayers as well. Let him know that he doesnt need to handle his grief and take care of me all on his own. Include his name in cards. Offer to watch our living children so we can spend time together, or offer to help me so he can go do something by himself. 

If youve experiences a pregnancy loss, Id love to hear about how your list differed from mine.  Is anything on my "to-do" list on your "dont-do" list?  What did/do you need that I didnt mention?  I think its helpful to see the great differences in how people grieve and what they need in the wake of a loss.



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pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester | Its ok to know what you need and what you need to avoid

pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester

This past weekend was the second Edel Gathering. It looked fun and lovely and inspiring. This year was the second year I didnt go. Both years I could have gone. We could have made it work financially. My husband was very supportive of me having a weekend away. I wanted to go. There were so many ladies I wanted to see (and meet) that would be there. Im sure I would have had a great time. But for two years in a row, the timing would have made it too painful.

Last year, I knew several women who were going and bringing along their couple month old babies. Our Francis would have been a few months old. I also knew several ladies who would be seven months pregnant. I would have been seven months pregnant with Julian. The miscarriages were still so raw then and it seemed like the reminders would have been too plentiful for me to have enjoyed myself.

I had planned to go to Edel this year, up until a week before the tickets were released. I got a positive pregnancy test and with the due date being next week, it was quite impossible to attend the conference ten days before a baby was set to arrive. And then I miscarried and I could go, but once again, it seemed like going would be too painful knowing that the only reason I was there was because my baby died. Due dates are pretty dark times for me and having two less than a month apart has cast a long shadow over this June and July. Its possible that going to Edel could have been exactly what I needed to lift me out of this funk, but its just as possible that I would have been emotionally miserable the whole time. It wasnt worth it to spend so much money and make arrangements for childcare without knowing which way it would pan out.

Im 100% sure I made the right decision. I used to try to force myself to events or else feel guilty for letting my losses "get the best of me" and dictate what I do. But now Im pretty confident in my decisions. While I can force myself to go to events, I cant force myself to enjoy them and there is no triumph in going to an event only to be miserable the whole time. And staying home does not mean that Ive let my losses rule my life, it means that Im wise enough to know what I need (or what I need to avoid) in the healing process and that Ive given myself the permission and grace to heal.

Now, when it comes to the events of others - a baby shower, meeting a new friends baby, a get together where I suspect a pregnancy announcement will be made (and Im right 99% of the time), the birthday party of a child who would be about the age of one of my lost littles, etc. - I do force myself to go. I completely support others who decide to stay home from similar events, but I know my weaknesses and the truth is that I can all too easily get tied up in my own pain and self pity if I let myself focus only on me. Its important to me that I force myself to take part in the joy of others and that I do not allow myself excuses to let my personal sorrow overshadow others celebrations. I will not let the death of my children prevent me from celebrating the gifts of life around me, even if my celebration isnt always heartfelt.

Ive found that the only way it gets easier is to go through these events anyway, kind of the whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Eventually they get easier, after so many times of going to celebrations for a particular child (and crying at home afterwards), its no longer painful to be around her - shell still remind me of the child I lost with a similar due date, but the feelings of intense grief dont show up every time I see her little face.

So I do always go to others events in order to force me outside of myself, but when it comes to events for me like Edel, or going to moms groups or play dates or girls night out, etc., I no longer worry about what I "should" be doing. I listen to what I need and then a unapologetically allow myself to do just that. My miscarriages are a part of my life, now and forever. I can pretend they never happened and force myself to live as if they hadnt, but its much more beneficial to acknowledge them and find a way to incorporate them into my life. Sometimes that means staying home, missing out, saying "no". And thats ok.

This is what I imagine Edel was like. 

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baby weight loss in first week | HUGE Pregnancy After Loss Giveaway!

baby weight loss in first week

A pregnancy after loss is a trying time, fraught with fear and uncertainty, having lost some of the innocence and excitement of a happy and healthy pregnancy without a history of loss. Unfortunately, very few seem to recognize how difficult it is for moms pregnant again after one or many losses. Its often assumed that our pregnancies will be blissful because were so excited to be blessed with viable pregnancies, but thats just not the case. In many situations, we feel guilty for resenting the morning sickness and any pain or complications because shouldnt we just be happy that our baby is alive this time? Often, were still mourning the babies we lost and while the outside world assumes a new baby will heal us or replace the babies we lost, pregnancy just makes the pain even more acute. Pregnancy after loss is complicated. 

Ive run a few giveaways in the past for moms who have experienced loss but I wanted to run a special giveaway right now especially for moms who are currently pregnant after a loss. Ive partnered with some very sweet and generous women who run small businesses to give you a great giveaway with items for baby and mom. Im so very, very excited about this giveaway and I hope you are too. Please take the time to visit, follow, and make purchases from the ladies who contributed to the giveaway. Its their kind hearts that have made this giveaway possible.  

At the bottom of the page, you can enter the giveaway. (US residents only please.) I ask that only women who are currently pregnant after a loss enter. (Your last pregnancy need not be a loss, I dont have experience in this area yet, but I imagine even after having a living child, subsequent pregnancies will still be hard with my history of loss. If youve ever had a loss and are currently pregnant, please do enter.) I know that that significantly limits the pool of entrants, so even if you cant enter, would you please share this giveaway with others? 

And on to the wonderful prizes! One winner will take them all home. 

$10 credit 

Usborne Books & More Educational Consultant Jessica Compton

Im a stay-at-home-mom of 2 boys and a girl and a consultant with Usborne Books & More. We carry childrens books for all ages. I love being able to share my love of reading with others! Im giving away a $10 credit to my website.

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signed, hardcover copy of Happy, too 

By Your Side Books

By Your Side Books is a line of children’s picture books with timeless themes and inspiring stories. One of the many unmatched elements of By Your Side Books is called, “Talk time, By Your Side" - a family questionnaire section near the back of each book. Our first book, "Happy, too" is a simple story of friendship and the transforming power of happiness, a story for young readers the whole family can enjoy.

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mini lovie blanket

Monkey in the Mailbox

I started really sewing about 4 years ago and have a passion for creating for little ones.  I specialize in custom stuffed animal lovie blankets.  I have always thought lovie blankets were the perfect gift for a new baby, all kids should have something soft to cuddle as they grow.  I am gifting one mini lovie blanket for a special baby.

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item of winners choice 

Blessed Beans Boutique

I am a wife and mother of four children (my beans).  I wanted to start a home based business where I could help support my family, stay at home, and give glory to God at the same time.  The idea to make religious jewelry came to me after much prayer.  Jewelry is a great conversation piece and a great way to spread the word of God.

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"I Am Loved" necklace with 18" ribbon chain 
Rakstar Designs 

Hi, Im Rakhi! I am a wife and mom of 2 young children who works part-time outside of the home. I recently began indulging my artistic side, and Rakstar Designs was born. My hope is that the art and products I offer inspiration for others and serve as a reminder of Gods great love for each and every person. To that end, I am giving away one of my "I Am Loved" necklaces, where the message will lie close to your heart.

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rope rosary in color of winners choice

This Little Light Blog

Hey, Im Jenna! Im 27 and married to my best friend. We have a little guy and another one that should be here any day. Also in the middle of a big move so my etsy shop is currently on "vacation" but I like to blog occasionally and make rosaries in my free time. Id love to get to know you and pray for you.

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$25 credit

Mary & Martha, Yvetta V, Independent Consultant

Yvetta is a stay-at-home mommy and new blogger sharing Gods word in the home. Since 2012 she has been a consultant for a company called Mary & Martha, offering inspirational decor and practical solutions for meaningful entertaining. She is giving away a $25 credit to shop her store.

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watercolor painting, apron, and magnets
Celisolidesigns

I initially started developing my company in the summer of 2013. I derived the name from combining my first and last name. I like designing in so many mediums so I think the name encompasses all I like to create but, Im not limiting myself. I try to learn and evolve with my creations. What I create is inspired with both my love of beauty and faith. So, a lot of it incorporates scripture and Catholic influence with the desire to share God with those who receive my gifts!

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crochet boot cuffs
DropStitch Cafe

I really love to craft with my hands and family and friends suggested that I try and sell my crafts online. So along with local craft shows I have a shop on Etsy

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Flexi Clip of winners choice (up to $20)

Lilla Rose Independent Consultant Mandi Richards (me!)

Ive been selling Lilla Rose hair accessories for almost two years. Our signature product, the Flexi Clip, is beautiful, durable, and comfortable. It comes in seven sizes and will work for ALL hair types, ALL ages, and an endless number of styles. They are perfect for new moms who still want to look put together but have so little time to get ready.

website | facebook

Again, this giveaway is only for women currently pregnant who have ever experienced pregnancy loss. US residents only. Giveaway will end Tuesday, July 7, 2015. Enter through the Rafflecopter widget below. GOOD LUCK!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

P.S. Id love to do pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss giveaways like this on a regular basis, maybe quarterly or twice a year, as a way to showcase small businesses and support women through loss. If youd like to contribute to an upcoming giveaway, please send me an email at messywifeblessedlife@gmail.com. Thank you!

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