weight loss after pregnancy how long | Its not jealousy

weight loss after pregnancy how long

This post originally appeared on my now defunct blog on February 20, 2014, while I was waiting to for my second miscarriage to begin.  After two more miscarriages, Ive been thinking a lot about my relationship with friends and family who are pregnant or have babies.  Its hard.  So hard.  I hate that I cry when I hear pregnancy announcements or simply a mention of pregnancy or babies.  I hate that I cant put my feelings aside and feel only joy for the expectant parents.  I struggle to hate only these feelings and not myself for having them, so this post was good for me to reread. The thoughts and feelings I put in this post are still as true after my fourth miscarriage as they were after my first.  

Before I got pregnant with Lucia, seeing pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies was hard.  That was jealousy.  I wanted to have a baby and begrudged those who either were in the position to have a baby (married, out of school, stable job, whatever) when I wasnt or those who had babies even though their positions were less than desirable.  In fact, I cant say that I could even feel happy for those who were having babies while I was not.  All I could see was myself - my desires, my fears, my anger, my hurt, my jealousy.  I wanted what they had and if I couldnt have it, I didnt want them to have it either.  I dont feel good about admitting that.  Those feelings came from a less than charitable place.  That jealousy was sinful and soul-eating. 

After my miscarriages, its often very, very hard to see pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies.  But its not jealousy.  In fact, my feelings have very little, if nothing, to do with the women who are making those announcements or in those pictures or holding those babies.  For them, I feel happiness.  I feel joy at the beauty of new life.  Having Lucia, I know the immense blessings of motherhood and I am so happy that other women get to experience it.  I truly wish motherhood was available to all who desired it; infertility breaks my heart and I cannot begin to imagine the pain carried by the women who suffer from it. 

The reason these things cause me pain is not because of jealousy.  No, I do not begrudge other women their babies.  And I dont want their babies for myself.  I want my babies.  The ones I lost.  The unique human beings that I carried in my womb.  They have their own souls, their own personalities.  Their own DNA.  They cannot be exchanged for anothers child.  Those announcements and pictures and sweet little babies simply remind me of what I lost.  What I can never have.  Even if I get pregnant again and the child makes it to birth and I get to hold that baby in my arms and I get to hug and kiss and raise it, that baby will not replace the ones Ive lost.  

And I imagine if the day does come when I get to birth another baby, that too will cause me pain.  That too will be a reminder of the moments that Ill never have with two of my children.  And it doesnt mean Ill love that child less or that that child herself will be the cause of my pain.  Again, the feeling will have little to do with her.  For her, I will feel joy and love and the million other complex emotions that come with motherhood.  But it will still be a reminder of what once was and what could have been.  

One of the most important things Ive done for myself in this healing process has been to acknowledge that these feelings are not bad.  Unlike the jealousy I felt years ago, these feelings dont come from sin.  These feelings come from grief, loss, pain.  They are not cruel or angry or hurtful.  They simply are.  I know not all women whove had miscarriages struggle with pregnancy announcements or visiting new babies.  We all grieve in our own unique ways.  But I do struggle.  And thats ok.

Not all pregnancy announcements bother me, nor do all newborns.  Ive had several friends announce pregnancies or have babies since my miscarriage in October and I was unaffected by the news.  The most difficult reminders have been the ones that are the most obvious reminders - those who have due dates similar to mine.  Watching their bellies grow throughout pregnancy is kind of like watching the ghost of my pregnancy.  What would have been.  What will never be.  I imagine as we near my due date and those babies are born, it will become even harder.  I often wonder if Ill see those children five, ten, fifteen years down the road and still feel sadness, still imagine what would have been, still try to imagine how my child would have been similar or different.  Only time will tell.

In addition to acknowledging that these feelings are ok, Ive also allowed myself to block the reminders that have caused me pain, at least for a time.  Ive unfollowed the blogs of women who are due within a month of my due date and hidden friends from my Facebook newsfeed for the same reason.  Ive left groups where pregnancy talk was too difficult to bear.  At times, Ive left Facebook and stopped reading blogs altogether for a period.  At first, I felt that I was allowing myself to be weak.  Or letting my weakness rule me.  Now Im starting to realize that we need to honor our feelings and protect ourselves.  Maybe it is weak to not be able to see cute bump photos.  Weak or not, right now, thats what I need.  I know it wont be forever.  

Im coming up on a difficult time - one of the pains of miscarrying so early in a pregnancy is that as a general rule, people dont announce pregnancies that early.  So in a few weeks, Ill start seeing announcements that correspond to my due date.  And not long after that, the due date of my first miscarriage will be here.  And if it ends up being too much, Im not going to force myself to be strong.  Im going to turn off my computer and let myself cry.



Right now, Im facing my first close friend/family member with a due date close to mine and the feeling are even more raw and the pregnancy impossible to ignore (and I dont want to ignore it anyway). I cant just turn off my computer anymore. The pregnancy is right in front of me as will be the baby. Im struggling to not let the sadness of our loss overwhelm the joy I feel for our new little family member. 

On top of that, with the number of losses mounting, it seems like there is a difficult date around every corner. February - first anniversary of our second miscarriage; May - first anniversary of our first miscarried childs due date (when our Francis would be turning one!); June - due date of our third miscarried child, Adrienne; July - due date of our fourth miscarried child, Christian; September - first anniversary of our second miscarried childs due date (when Julian would be turning one). There are other dates in there too - dates we conceived and when we got positive pregnancy tests and, for two of our babies, the days we found out they were no longer alive in an ultrasound. Those dates are imprinted in my mind, but for now, Im trying to only remember miscarriage and due dates. Its too much of a burden when Im trying so very, very hard to focus on the future in a positive way and stop longing for the What Might Have Beens.

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baby jaundice weight lose | Naming a Miscarried Baby

baby jaundice weight lose

Its a fairly common practice for parents to name the children theyve lost to miscarriage. Its certainly a matter of personal preference (please do not feel that you arent properly honoring your child or grieving appropriately if you decide not to name your child) but for many parents, it helps them connect with and find closure after the loss of their child. In many families, especially the Catholic families Im familiar with, miscarried children are talked about often, prayed for (and to, since we have reason to believe that they are in heaven and therefore can watch out and pray for us), and its easier to do these things if the children have names. I previously wrote about how we chose a name for our daughter and for the first two children we lost and Ive decided to share an update of that post with the names of the last two children I miscarried.

Ive always been a bit of a name junky (Im currently addicted to the Catholic naming blog Sancta Nomina) so the process of choosing our childrens names is one that is done with a lot of thought, prayer, and love. It meant so much to me that even though we lost four of our children so very young and will never get to experience the typical parenting moments with them as we will with our living child, I was still able to give them their names. It is one of the only ways that Ive been able to truly mother those babies.

Lucia Rose, born December 2011

Since we didnt find out whether Lucia was a boy or girl, we had to have two names at the ready.  The boys name was picked out before we were even pregnant (and in some ways before I even met my husband).  The girls name was much harder to nail down since it seemed David and I had opposite taste in names.  (We have since resolved our differences and have 3-4 girls names already picked out, in order, for future daughters.) My main choice for name inspiration was a book of women Saints that I owned.  I would thumb through the pages looking for names that I liked and only read the corresponding story if I felt the name was "in the running".  There were several names that were clearly not going to happen, like Hedwig and Hildegarde, but anything I half liked I ran by David and 99% he turned down on the spot.  Very early on, two front runners emerged: Alena and Lucia.  Alena was actually the favorite for quite some time and I cant remember why we decided on Lucia instead, but we did so somewhere between 20 and 30 weeks.  Lucias name is equally in honor of St. Lucy and Sr. Lucia of Fatima as my husband has a great devotion to Our Lady of Fatima.  Her middle name, Rose, was decided from the very beginning.  It is my middle name and a dear aunts middle name in honor of my great grandmother, Rosa. 

Francis Michael, miscarried October 2013

After my miscarriage in October 2013, several people urged us to name the baby.  It took a week or so before we felt comfortable with doing so.  Naming a miscarried child seemed so different than naming a living one.  We had names picked out for our next child before this one was even conceived, but it didnt feel right to use either one of them.  I know many parents feel comfortable giving the child a gender specific name based on their gut instincts, but I didnt have any feelings about the babys gender and was wrong with my gut instinct that Lucia was a boy, so we decided to choose a gender neutral name.  Searching "gender neutral Saint names" doesnt come up with many results, but I immediately found one that I loved: Francis.  Although more commonly associated with boys, Frances is a common enough girls name and St. Frances Cabrini is one of my favorite Saints.  The biggest decision we had to make was which spelling to use.  While researching the name, I found a source that said that until the last few centuries, both spellings were used interchangeably for boys and girls, so we simply went with the one that was most aesthetically appealing to me.  We chose the middle name Michael after the Archangel.  When I think of this baby, I think of the baby being either "my Frank or Frannie" and joyfully look forward to the day when I find out which nickname fits.

Julian Gabriel, miscarried February 2014

This may sound a bit strange, but I already chosen a name for our second miscarried child before I was even pregnant with him/her.  It was a gender neutral name that would only be used for another lost baby.  Not that I necessarily expected to miscarry again (and I truly did not think I would miscarry twice in a row) but it was a name that I came across when I was looking for a name for Francis and tucked away as another favorite.  It feels a bit odd to give a child a specific name because he/she passed before birth while we would have given that same child a different name had he/she been born.  But at the same time, we feel blessed to be able to do the only thing we can do to parent this child other than conception: name him/her.  We chose the name Julian Gabriel.  Julian, while usually considered masculine, is the name of many Catholic Saints, and the female Julian of Norwich (who though not canonized is often revered as a Saint).  Gabriel, like the middle name we chose for Francis, is in honor of the Archangel.

Adrienne Rafael, miscarried October 2014
Like with Julian, I also had some ideas in mind of names to use if I miscarried again before I even knew this little one existed. I suppose after two miscarriages and one live birth, it starts to feel like a loss is more likely (statistically, its not). Our third miscarriage was a very early "chemical pregnancy" so we werent sure I was even pregnant until I no longer was. We debated a little bit about whether we would name the baby or whether we would even count it as a pregnancy/loss but ultimately decided that our belief that life starts at conception meant we wouldnt treat this child any different than we did the babies we lost later on. I started to feel like we were running out of blatantly Catholic, gender neutral names, but I had a short list left and Adrian was on it. Since Francis and Julian are more masculine in appearance, we decided on the feminine spelling Adrienne. Again, Rafael is for the Archangel and we chose that spelling because I love the Spanish language and prefer the pronunciation (rah-fiy-EHL) that is similar to the Spanish.

Christian Michael, miscarried December 2014
After we lost our last baby, I had a hard time coming up with any name ideas. There are some more available that fit the Saint/biblical and gender neutral categories (see below) but I couldnt seem to find one that fit for our baby. I dont know why I initially thought of Christian, but once I did, it just seemed right. Although usually a boys name, I worked with a girl named Christian in college so it has a very gender neutral feel to me. We were short-sighted (or maybe it was just wishful thinking) when we decided to use the names of the Archangels as middle names for our miscarried babies since there are only three named Archangels. It didnt feel right to break with the tradition, so we decided to cycle back through and used Michael again.




A few of the ideas that we didnt use (yet) but might be helpful for couples searching for gender neutral Catholic names: 

Jean - in English, its a girls name; in French, its the male name John
Jordan - for the Jordan River
Valentine
Alex - for Alexander or Alexandra, or you could maybe even the full name Alexis - Im familiar with it as a girls name, but apparently its a boys name too
Hilary - for the male St. Hilary, though its more often a female name now
Karol/Carol - for St. John Paul II whose name was Karol Wojtyla
Aaron/Erin/Aeron
Andy - for Andrew or Andrea - or even the full Andrea since it is a boys name in other cultures, like singer Andrea Bocelli
Remy
Quinn - for Ven. Edel Quinn
Noel - means "Christmas" in French
Jude
Ariel - one of names for Jerusalem, probably most well known as The Little Mermaid, it can also be a boys name like Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon

For more ideas, see Kates post at Sancta Nomina. If none of these names work for you, (affiliate link) The Catholic Baby Name Book may be another helpful resource. If you have any other ideas, please leave them in the comments and Id be happy to add them to the list!

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mumsnet pregnancy weight lose | Trying Again

mumsnet pregnancy weight lose

Yesterday (Christmas) was one of the hardest days of my life. Everywhere I looked amongst the family celebrations, I saw the ghosts of our missing children. When the cousins played together, there was one missing. When we took family photos, they felt so incomplete. My stomach felt so small and flat and empty. I mostly thought of the first child we lost, Francis, the one who would be seven months now. I wonder if next Christmas will be just as hard. Which child will I think about then? Francis or Julian, who would be celebrating their second Christmas then? Or the little ones who would be born in the next year, Adrienne or Christian, who would be celebrating their first Christmas? Knowing that its not even possible for me to hold a baby in my arms next Christmas made the day even more bleak. I felt robbed of Christmas past, Christmas present, and Christmas future.

Maybe this year is just so hard because I miscarried less than a week before Christmas? Although maybe Ill miscarry a week before next Christmas too. Or maybe Ill be pregnant then, far enough along that Ill be feeling confident, and not  the deep despair and fear that early pregnancy holds for me now. I can only pray that is the case, I cant even hope for it anymore.

What this last, fourth miscarriage has finally done that the first three were unable to accomplish was strip me of all hope. One, two, even three miscarriages in a row can be explained by chance, bad luck, even three different random, unrelated occurrences. Four is...heavy. There is the weight of an underlying cause there. So far, my doctor hasnt been able to find it. Ill have surgery next month to check on a few more things, all which are fairly unlikely anyway, but if my doctor doesnt find anything then thats it. There will be no more treatable causes, everything else would just be an answer with no solution. And I dont feel the desire to know just to know; if there is nothing I can do about it, the knowledge has no meaning to me.

Im still young (though repeat pregnancy loss has aged me in ways I cant really explain; I feel so old inside) and potentially have many more years of fertility before me. Well keep trying, over and over again, knowing that there is some possibility, no matter how small, that I will be able to give birth to a living child. Lucia is proof of that. How we got lucky with a healthy first pregnancy, Ill never know but Im so grateful for that. Well try again as soon as Im physically well enough, emotionally healed enough, and get the go ahead from my doctor.

While I have some friends who struggle with hyper fertility who look at their future years of potential fertility and count how many children that could possibly mean, I think in terms of how many miscarriages those years can bring. Unless Im coming straight off a miscarriage (which is apparently a very fertile time according to studies Ive read and my personal experience), it takes me longer than the average woman to get pregnant, but not by much. I can get pregnant. Four pregnancies in less than a year and a half prove that. Four miscarriages in 14 months. Even if my fertile years end early and fertility decreases over time, I could still have 20+ miscarriages. The odds for that are small, of course. In 20 pregnancies, Id most likely bring at least a few babies to birth. But, when I see my future, 20 miscarriages is one of the possibilities I can visualize. I can no longer visualize an outcome where there is a baby in my arms. My mind just cant conceptualize that anymore.

As Catholics, we believe that pregnancy should only be postponed (using Natural Family Planning) for serious reasons. Those reasons vary by couple of course and the Church does not have a list of reasons. Personally, David and I cant justify postponing pregnancy based on miscarriage risk alone. As long as I am (physically and emotionally) healthy enough to get pregnant again, we wont prevent it beyond the few months my doctor asks us to wait after a loss. (Whether to wait to not, and how long, after a miscarriage is controversial as there are studies that show getting pregnant again right away has better outcomes and other studies show the opposite. Weve decided to give my doctor the benefit of the doubt and follow all my doctors instructions for the time being. Ive gotten pregnant right away and Ive waited and both had the same outcome anyway.)

The idea of not charting and not specifically trying to get pregnant but just letting it happen when it happens is very appealing to me, because the trying is very stressful in itself. But as long as my doctor still has hope that we can find a treatable cause and that catching a pregnancy early will give the baby a better chance of survival, Ill suffer through it. Charting seems to force us to specifically try to get pregnant each month because we know exactly when our fertile days are and we have to decide whether we will have sex then. Since we want a baby, we feel like we cant not use those days. If we didnt chart and didnt know which exact days were most fertile, I dont think Id end up a puddle of tears every time my period came because I wouldnt know if we actually tried to get pregnant. It wouldnt be a disappointment, another proof that my body doesnt work quite right. There wouldnt be that expectation that we did everything right, well get pregnant this month, oh please, oh please, oh please.

Coming to terms with recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) and what that means for the long term for our family means coming up with a new perspective on life, a new way of living. Even if we having another living child, even if its our very next pregnancy only a year and some months away, that probably wont end my RPL. Ill probably have more miscarriages after that. Of course, I dont know the future, but most likely whatever is causing this isnt going to disappear or ever be completely "fixed". And so that means that we will for the next 10-15 years have cycles of trying to conceive, pregnancy, miscarriage, recovery, trying to conceive, miscarriage, recovery...

And I cant go through those the way I have done in the past. The past year and a half hasnt been living, its been surviving. Ive just tried to get from one stage to another, thinking at some point things will change and well regain our lives. Its been living with the pain of trying to conceive thinking, It will all be better once I get those two pink lines. And then living with the stress and fear and utter despair of pregnancy thinking, It will all be better once I see that heartbeat. And then the heartbeat isnt there or I start bleeding and I think, If I can only make it past this miscarriage. And then the bleeding stops and I start thinking, If only I can make it through the next few months of testing and waiting, then we can try again. And it starts all over. And in the meantime, my life is on hold. There is no joy, there is no moving forward. Everything waits. Everything is at a standstill waiting for the baby, the one we want so badly, the one that will restore a little bit of joy into our family.

I need to find a way to restore that joy without that child, for who knows if that baby will ever come. I need to find a way to truly live in the meantime. And so Ive been working on humility, on saying, Its not about me. Nothing is about me. Its never been about me. I am only here to do Gods will. No matter what I want or I dont want or how much pain I suffer , I can always serve God every situation. It is not about me. It is not about me. Its only about Him. I am only about Him. It is not about my babies that will never be born. It is about The Baby who was born so long ago. It is not about me. And its helping. Most days, this is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Most days, it allows me to focus on the big picture, what really matters. Because its when I focus on the details of my small insignificant life that the pain becomes crushing and I become frozen in the pain and anger and fear.

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post pregnancy weight loss journey | Expectations

post pregnancy weight loss journey

After my post yesterday, there are a few things I want to clarify. Most importantly, I do not blame my family and friends for not supporting me in the way Ive needed during various points during and after my miscarriages and pregnancies. Im not angry or bitter and I dont expect anyone to know exactly the right things to say or do in each situation. Even when people say hurtful and thoughtless comments, Im not angry. At least, not at them. Sometimes I rage a little at our society which treats lives, especially unborn lives, as disposable and pregnancy loss as an issue to be handled quietly and quickly.

I didnt know many people who had miscarriages before I had mine. I married long before most of my friends (many who are still single) so it just didnt come up. But I know, without a doubt, that there is no way I would have said or done the right things after a loss. And I know that even now, regardless of all my personal experience, I probably rarely say or do the perfect thing after someone else experiences a loss. Each woman is going to approach pregnancy loss in a different way and going to have distinct needs so even if I know what support I needed and appreciated, that doesnt necessarily mean much for another woman.

I have wonderful family members and friends who have all tried to offer support in their own way. Sometimes they missed the mark, but I know that no one has ever meant to hurt me and I do believe that intentions matter. I can still feel the love behind a ill fated remark. At times, its been difficult to not receive the support Ive needed. Thinking back on the times I felt forgotten and alone leaves me sad. But there is no one to blame, least of all the people who love me and who have always tried to support me.

On those days I could have used a phone call and a How was your appointment? I didnt want or expect every person I knew to make that call or ask that question. I know that even those with the best intentions forget or get difficult news of their own or get caught up and cant find a moment to contact me. It wasnt that I wanted everyone to call, it was that I wanted anyone to call. So how could I be upset with any one person? How could I even expect that of any one person?

In the end, I know that I am blessed to have had the support I have had. Even if it hasnt always been exactly what Ive needed or wanted, I have had support. Many women have mentioned to me that theyve had no support at all. Now that is something to be angry about.

P.S. Ive been thinking so much about doctors appointments because I had one today. Everything is going well! We got to bring home a great picture of baby and weve made it out of the first trimester.

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pregnancy weight loss belly | Eating Healthy When Traveling

pregnancy weight loss belly

With 10 weeks until my fitness bikini competition, Im getting a little freaked out.  The meal plan Im on is really tough, mainly because its boring to eat the same thing over and over and over.  I have not been perfect, but Im doing pretty well.  I flew to Dallas for two days on Thursday and in preparation for the trip, I brought food so I could stay on my meal plan.  My flight was only an hour, so I packed my small skillet (perfect size for my protein pancake), Pam coconut oil spray, ground oats (for the pancake), brown rice, and protein powder in my checked luggage.  My local friend Cassie brought me frozen chicken, veggies, and egg whites. 

We lucked out and landed in the penthouse suit of the hotel that was equipped with a stove and microwave, so I was able to prepare some meals.  But, nothing is easy.  The room was so high-tech that we couldnt get the stove working and the engineer had to come 3 times to get it to work.   My protein pancake had to be cooked in a special skillet designed for the stove and pretty much fell apart, but I ate it anyway.  (My pancake is just 1/2 cup of ground oats, 3/4 cup egg whites, 1/4 cup water and cinnamon).  I have been "cheating" and eating it with a trace amount of natural peanut butter spread on top. 

My chicken, rice, and veggies were easy to microwave and I had that several times during the trip.

But, I wasnt perfect.  I ate pita chips and hummus, small part of a chocolate bar, and a glass of champagne at the pool.  

Thursday night at dinner I ordered a buffalo burger with no bun and a side salad without dressing. We  ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant on Friday night, and although I ordered iced tea (when everyone had margaritas) and skipped the chips and queso, I ordered grilled chicken with onions, rice and beans and devoured it.  

Saturday morning before my flight, I didnt have time to eat breakfast before heading to the airport (besides an apple and peanut butter) so  before my plane took off I grabbed a turkey sandwich and just ate the turkey out of it since the bread was soggy.  And I had my Starbucks iced tall 2-pump mocha on Saturday and Sunday.  Yikes.

At our school Gala on Saturday night, I had two glasses of champagne and on Sunday I had a piece of pizza!

I know that strictly sticking to the meal plan is key, so Im going to be on it this week.  Tomorrow is a new day!  Last Friday I got my body fat tested again by my trainer and it went down from 25% to 21% in just a couple weeks, which is good progress.  Ive found the best way to get through sticking to the meal plan is to just put it on auto-pilot.  Dont think about it, just do it.  The good results Im seeing keep me motivated to continue.

Ill post a progress pic soon!

Read the rest of this post >>

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pregnancy weight loss morning sickness | Useless

pregnancy weight loss morning sickness

The overwhelming feeling I have in the wake of a miscarriage is uselessness. Biologically, Im useless, unable to do the one thing Im specially created as a woman to do - sustain a new life in my womb. This is no small matter, its a matter of life and death. A child is conceived and its my sole responsibility to care for that child for the next nine months. And I cant. Obviously, its not my "fault" in the sense that it is purposeful or avoidable. But still, deliberate or not, Im not fulfilling my biological purpose. Im useless.

While Im recovering, I lay in bed, of no use to my husband and daughter. David has to take care of me, take care of the house, take care of our daughter. This miscarriage has physically been very mild but Im still feeling unwell, weak, in pain, exhausted. I am useless. A burden.

When I start feeling better, I overcompensate. I obsess about having a clean house, making dinner, doing everything I can possibly do so that I am useful. So that I have some meaning. I also force myself to make things - to knit or craft or whatever, so that I can prove Im capable of making something, if not a baby, at least something that is useful or beautiful or thoughtful.

I feel like I have to prove that Im useful, that I somehow add value to my family because deep inside I feel like perhaps they are better off without me.  I know, logically, that this isnt true. I know that every person, every family member, has dignity. That our worth is not measured by how well our body functions. After all, I truly, deeply believe that people with physical (and mental) disabilities are valuable members of our society. But when it comes to myself, I have little mercy. I may know that Lucia needs her mother and David needs his wife and that the love I give them is enough to make me useful. And yet, knowing that doesnt make it feel real. 

I feel like Im defined solely by my inability to bear more children. By my failures to protect my unborn children. I feel incredibly broken and unworthly. I feel very alone. Everywhere I look there are babies and pregnant bellies and joy. Babies bring so much joy to the world and because I cannot carry my children to term, I deny my family this joy.

All I want is to feel useful again. Like I have something to give that is at least of equal value to what I take. I am in need of so much right now. Physical assistance, emotional support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to make me breakfast. I know I should just ask for the help I need, but I wont. I wont even accept it when its offered because it makes me feel selfish. Because I have nothing to give in return.

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weight loss ketones pregnancy | When Pregnancy Comes with a Price Tag

weight loss ketones pregnancy

In the Catholic blogging world, its quite common to see posts about how children really arent that expensive, dont really have that many needs, etc. These are said, of course, to promote the idea of being open to life and that adding another child isnt as difficult as our society makes it out to be. And to an extent, I agree. Barring unforeseen incidents like health complications, inability to breastfeed, etc. a baby needs very little in his/her first couple years. Most baby necessities can be gotten secondhand for a fraction of the original price and there really arent all that many necessities.

We gave away 99% of our baby stuff (and dont regret it at all) so Im currently in the process of thinking through what we truly need and what we can skip. I dont think well need much and I have a feeling with generous friends and family, we be handed down or gifted all the true necessities.

But its not the baby Im worried about paying for, its the pregnancy. Over the course of two years weve spent quite a bit to get to this point. Even though I labored at home with all my miscarriages, they still werent cheap. Neither were the tests, surgery, and treatments. Now that I have a viable pregnancy, Im taking hCG shots and progesterone which together cost over $500 per month. Weve already met our insurance out of pocket maximum for the year, but hCG isnt covered by my insurance and we still have to pay the copay for prescriptions.  Our insurance year ends May 31, and while were grateful to have insurance coverage through Davids teaching job through the end of July, our deductible starts over so during those two months, well be paying out of pocket anyway.

Were moving out of state in six weeks. David does not have a job lined up yet. (Though hes been applying for jobs for months so were still hopeful hell have one before the move.) Its seemingly a terrible time financially to have a baby. Ill admit that Ive felt quite a bit of shame about being pregnant during such a difficult financial time. After all, it was our choice to try to conceive, even though it seemed unlikely I would get pregnant so quickly or stay pregnant.

Most of all though, more than shame or fear, Im angry that what comes so easily to most women, what is supposed to come easily, came with a lot of pain and a hefty price tag for me. In some ways I feel like weve had to pay for a baby, that our child is more the result of doctors bills than love between spouses.

I know Im not alone in this. I know there are other women out there that have felt that theyve had to pay for what should come naturally, should come free. So while I do believe that, in general, babies arent an overwhelming financial burden, sometimes pregnancy is and being "open to life" can have a crippling cost.

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pregnancy weight loss after miscarriage | When your body betrays you

pregnancy weight loss after miscarriage

There will never be an appropriate pregnancy book for me to read again. This time, I bought two Catholic pregnancy books. I thought that their focus on the spiritual instead of physical aspects of pregnancy would mean that they would better fit my needs as someone who has had multiple miscarriages. But they included phrases like, "For the next nine months, your baby will grow nourished and protected in your womb," and "Your womb is the safest place your child will ever be, protected and sheltered from the world."

My womb is the most dangerous place for my babies to be. Four out of five of my children have died because my body failed to nurture and protect them. Thats only a 20% chance of surviving me. If they made it through birth alive, theyd have a much better chance "unsheltered in the world" than they do "sheltered" within my womb.

Of course, those pregnancy books were written for most women and most womens bodies do provide a safe environment for their unborn children, even the bodies of drug addicts provide better for their children than I do. Of course, its not my fault. Not any more than you can commend someone who drinks (heavily) and smokes and does drugs through pregnancy for keeping their child safe. Because their body compensates for their conscious choices, and my body betrays me no matter how much I actively do to promote a healthy pregnancy.

I am an anomaly. Miscarriages are common enough. But even two in a row is relatively rare. Four in a row puzzles my doctors and leaves our friends and family speechless. Everyone - including me - had so much faith in the pregnancy because, surely, it would not happen again. How could it? Four times in a row? The statistics were on my side (as they always are). Even women who have had 4+ miscarriages have about a 70% chance of the next baby being a live birth.

If you want to stun and silence anyone, just tell them youre having your fourth consecutive miscarriage. I know what they are thinking during the stunned silence. But I prayed for you! So many people prayed for you! But youve gone through this so many times before! But its not fair! How could God allow this again? But you did nothing to deserve this! Why am I having a happy, healthy pregnancy when you are not, cannot?

I dont have any of the answers. But truly the answers dont matter. Because it happened. Another of my children is dead. My daughter is still an only child, pining for a sibling. My womb is empty. Sos my heart.

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