weight loss with pregnancy hormone injections | 15

weight loss with pregnancy hormone injections

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have a girly medical procedure.  The last time I had this procedure was 2000.  In fact I had two that year: one 7 weeks after losing Solomon and the second for my blighted ovum.

For the 2000 events, I remember bargaining with God, please let my body heal, please let me get pregnant and have a living baby.  This time around, I was bargaining to let me live.  I get very paranoid and have fatalistic thoughts whenever I am anaesthetized.  Now it takes the form of how will my family go on without me?  Im not that narcissistic to believe they would be incapable.  I just get so saddened at thoughts of what I would miss if I werent here to be with them.

Obviously things went well as deep in my heart I knew they would.  Still, lingering thoughts about the trajectory of my life.

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6 week pregnancy weight loss program | Volunteer Photographers sought

6 week pregnancy weight loss program

If youre a photographer, please consider volunteering.  For so many of us, all we have are photos.  All I have are photos taken by a nurse.  I didnt get to see or hold Solomon.


https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer/volunteer-membership-information/

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weight loss in pregnancy uk | Baby Update 32 Weeks Whats It Like to Have Polyhydramnios

weight loss in pregnancy uk

I have had some questions about how I am feeling so I thought I would share what it has been like for me to experience Polyhydramnios with this pregnancy. If you have missed my previous posts, I have too much amniotic fluid in my uterus which makes my belly really big and it also causes early contractions (and possibly labor) because my body thinks it is further along than it is. For me it meant a hospital stay at almost-30 weeks to stop contractions.

Yesterday I had my follow up with the high-risk OB. Their ultrasound measurements showed the fluid is currently 21cm (which is below the risk). The measurements are a bit of an art project with different people getting different numbers (last week I was still measuring 25cm). The doctor I saw said they will continue to measure and assess me on a weekly basis for now. According to him, once I make it to 34 weeks, they would not try to prevent birth if I went into labor. He also mentioned wanting to induce me at 38 weeks. We shall see... my regular OB thinks I can go to 40 weeks and doesnt seem to feel inclined to speed up the process. As with all of our previous ultrasounds, this baby is staying head down. 

 Baby #2, 32 Weeks 

 

So, how does it feel to have Polyhydramnios?

Big Belly.
At 32 weeks pregnant I look like I am much further along than I am (comparison photo of when I was pregnant with Jack at bottom of post). I get a lot of questions about my due date and then incredulous (or sympathetic) looks when I say that Im not due until mid April. I have had a few joking comments about expecting twins, but mostly I get sympathy. Believe me, I know Im getting big. At least (for me) you cant really tell Im pregnant from behind...
 
Difficulty Breathing.
Starting around 20 weeks, I began experiencing a lot of instances of being light headed. For no reason, I will catch my breath and it feels like a giant weight is sitting on my chest. This feeling has progressed over the last 10+ weeks due to the excess fluid that is pushing on my lungs and organs. Thankfully I am not having actual problems breathing, but it can be really uncomfortable. This is also a major reason I continue to exercise. Aerobic activity improves the efficiency of the bodys cardiovascular system in absorbing and transporting oxygen, which is important when your lung capacity is diminished due to extra fluid taking up space.

Eating/Heartburn.
Also around 20 weeks I noticed that I felt extra bloated. This continued to where eating even small amounts makes me feel generally miserable. I feel hungry all the time and eating just makes me feel crappy. The best way I can describe it would be how you feel at the end of your pregnancy, except I am only 32 weeks and have felt this way for the last couple of months. Worse, it gives me heartburn like I cannot describe. I take Nexium every morning and supplement with Tums. In the beginning Nexium really helped, now I am just managing as best I can. I can get extreme heartburn from something as basic as drinking water or even the smell of food.

 Baby #2, 32 Weeks Baby Profile

 
Braxton Hicks.
I had some Braxton Hicks with Jack, but not enough to really be of note. Around the time I started feeling this baby kick (18 weeks) I started having Braxton Hicks. They happen regularly throughout the day and do not hurt at all. They did land me in the hospital when I had them non-stop, every 2-minutes, for 12+hours straight (I was almost 30 weeks). They do not cause me any pain (Ive had paper cuts that hurt worse) but they are uncomfortable. At this point we are praying they do not jump start real labor. A few of the things that cause my Braxton Hicks include: standing up, sitting down, laying down, working out, grocery shopping, driving my car, walking, not drinking enough water or having a full bladder... I think this is also considered having an irritable uterus.

Very Hard Belly.
I have experienced a very hard belly since the beginning of my second trimester. This makes it really hard to give myself my daily shots in my belly. It also makes it very uncomfortable (and sometimes painful) when Jack wants to be held or if he wants to cuddle by laying on my belly. He has learned to be very gentle, but it is very difficult for me to have him lay on or beside me. This makes me sad because I want to be able to cuddle and carry him.

Putting on Shoes.
With Jack I remember having difficulty putting on my shoes some time in the third trimester. With Polyhydramnios, this sensation came much earlier (25 weeks-ish). Any kind of bending over is very uncomfortable due to the hard belly, Braxton Hicks and heartburn. In addition to bending, it is very difficult to roll over or get up from laying down with any kind of grace. This is a normal thing for later in pregnancy, it has just been uncomfortable and hard from a much earlier point for me. Shaving my legs is not gonna happen until after this baby arrives.

Heavy Belly.
Also starting around 20 weeks, I noticed that my belly felt incredibly heavy when I would lay down. It required extra pillows for support. All of the extra fluid just makes everything hurt. I dont really recall this with my first pregnancy.

Comparison: Pregnant with Jack, 32 Weeks

So, I guess the best way to describe having Polyhydramnios is experiencing typical end-of-pregnancy symptoms, just worse and much earlier. I still have 8 weeks to go with all of these lovely symptoms.

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weight loss early pregnancy | Essential Daily Vitamins for Women

weight loss early pregnancy

I think we all know its important to take vitamins, but we dont always do it.  At least I didnt.  Part of the reason is because it feels like there is so much information on vitamins, I dont know what to take or where to start.  So, the easy thing to do is simply take a multivitamin and be done with it- if you remember to take it.  

Ive been researching what Dr. Oz recommends because I trust his information and can understand what hes saying.  Heres what I found he suggests and what Im currently taking.  

A Multivitamin

Dr. Oz says that we only need 100% of the daily value of the 12 essential vitamins and minerals, with iron for pre-menopausal women.  When purchasing your vitamins, check for bottles labeled 100% daily allowance on label. 

Multivitamins fulfill your nutritional needs for the day.  Multivitamins contain:

Vitamin A – critical for healthy vision and skin

Vitamin B – a metabolism booster

Vitamin C – keeps your immune system strong, especially important during cold and flu season.

Vitamin D – promotes healthy bones (and your immune system)

Vitamin E – for healthy development of muscles and brain function

The Dose

Take half in the morning and half at night to maximize absorption.

Calcium Cocktail (Calcium + Additional Vitamin D + Magnesium)

Calcium is a necessary supplement for strong, healthy muscles, bones and teeth. You need to take it in combination with magnesium (to prevent the negative side effects of calcium) and vitamin D (to help the body absorb calcium) in order to get the maxium benefit.  

It turns out that vitamin D is crucial when it comes to fighting off colds. An important part of Dr. Ozs anti-aging checklist, vitamin D plays a number of roles in our bodies, including:

 *Promoting absorption of calcium and bone health

 *Boosting immune function

 *Reducing inflammation

 *Healthy neuro-muscular function

 *Protecting against some forms of cancer

The Dose

Calcium (600mg) with Magnesium (400mg) and Vitamin D (1,000 IU)

Take dose with a full glass of water, 2 hours after eating.  Calcium can block the absorption of other supplements and prescriptions, so take it separately. 

Fish Oil (Omega 3’s)

To keep your brain, heart and eyes healthy, take Omega 3’s every day. 

The Dose

For women, the daily dose of Omega 3s is 1000 mg; for men, the dosage is 600 mg.

Astragalus

Although Astragalus isnt a vitamin, I take it daily for energy and anti-aging.

According to Dr. Oz, aging is the primary reason why your body feels depleted of energy. Add to that the boatload of daily tasks most of us face – work, household chores, childrearing – and it’s no wonder were exhausted.

The supplement astragalus can help keep you going. This root, used in traditional Chinese medicine for centuries, contains a special chemical that research has shown may actually help slow the aging process. This chemical activates the enzyme telomerase, which works on a cellular level to protect DNA from breaking down, thus warding off exhaustion and a host of other age-related symptoms and diseases.

The Dose

Take 200 mg of astragalus twice a day, in the morning and at night. 

To help me remember to take my vitamins, and to keep me from asking, "Did I take that today?" I bought a daily vitamin holder at Target.  I love it because its got a side for am and pm and each compartment is large enough to hold all my pills.  I take the calcium pill by itself in the afternoon. 

Are you taking vitamins?  Which ones?  Where are you finding your information about which vitamins to take?  

* * * * * 

Read the rest of this post >>

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post pregnancy weight loss yoga | Alison Bat Mitzvah

post pregnancy weight loss yoga

On Friday June 20, 2014 Alison became a Bat Mitzvah.  For months, weeks and days Ive worked on planning the party while she worked on learning her Torah portion. The whole process of planning was very emotional.  I cried almost every day while putting together her video montage.  Then I cried during the service, more tears of joy than sorrow.  How did the time fly by so quickly?

And it occurred to me a few times I should have been working on a Bar Mitzvah last year. I prayed to Solomon to just watch over her, and I think sometimes he does.

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weight loss journey after pregnancy | For the Mother Who Knows Loss A Giveaway

weight loss journey after pregnancy

Mothers Day is coming up. Its often a difficult day for those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, even if you have other children or its been many years. So I wanted to host a Mothers Day giveaway specifically for those mothers who have lost babies.

Jenna of Call Her Happy makes lovely embroidered necklaces. I have several and they are the source of so much beauty, and many compliments. She recently mentioned that she is taking orders for personalized mothers necklaces, with a pink rosette for each daughter and a blue rosette for each son.

I thought the necklace was just beautiful at it would be easy to incorporate the children we had lost as well. Since Im currently pregnant and we dont know (nor will we find out until birth) the sex of our baby, Ill have to wait to get mine, but I look forward to ordering one from Jenna with a pink rosette for Lucia, a pink or blue for baby, and four little yellow rosettes for the little ones weve lost.

I am giving one of these lovely mothers rosette necklaces away to a mom who has lost a baby. The giveaway will end Saturday, May 2nd so I have time to contact the winner and have Jenna personalize the necklace for in time for a Mothers Day arrival.

UPDATE: Allison Kinyon, who sells beautiful handmade rosaries in her Etsy shop, Rosaries by Allison, offered to include a beautiful pocket rosary with light rose, light sapphire, and crystal Swarovski round beads and Madonna & Child center. There are more entries on the Rafflecopter to reflect this addition.

Since I sell Lilla Rose hair accessories, Im also going to throw in a Lilla Rose accessory of the winners choice ($16 or under).

The giveaway is only open to mothers who have lost children, so please dont enter if this does not describe you. Open worldwide.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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early pregnancy weight loss normal | Biscuit Love

early pregnancy weight loss normal

When we first became parents, I read a lot about the importance of continuing to date your husband (even writing about it here). Weekly if possible. In theory, I think this is a fantastic idea, but our reality never seems to measure up to that standard.

 

Daniel and I have had plenty of time to date (10+years if you include our dating years), so we dont feel too guilty when current dates tend to lean more toward "family" dates. Part of that has been changing our expectations and being ok with this. More often than not our alone dates include a bowl of ice cream and Netflix. I think you just do what you have to do and dont get hung up on a date being leaving your house, without kids. I mean, we even took our kids on our recent 13th anniversary trip.

But if we have the opportunity to go out, sans kids, we try to jump on it. Holidays tend to work in our favor in this regard. Our family loves the chance to hang out with our boys and who are we to turn down free baby sitting?

Most recently we were able to sneak off on a brunch and furniture shopping date. We left our boys with Daniels sister and headed out to grab breakfast for lunch (my fave). We had initially planned to go to The Pancake Pantry but the line was wrapped around the outside of the building (and it was raining). So instead we found ourselves wandering over to the Gulch for a little Biscuit Love.

Biscuit Love also had a wait, but if you were willing to sit at the bar (we were, we didnt have kids!), you could get in immediately.

According to Nashville Guru, The "East Nasty" and "Southern Benny" were the dishes to get. And they did not disappoint.

Getting away was just what we needed – uninterrupted conversation, followed by time browsing local stores for a new dining table that we are dreaming about.

Our next date may not happen until Easter (hopefully sooner), but until that time we savor these moments together and embrace the days that our dates involve our whole family or just the two of us, on the couch after our kids are in bed.



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weight loss with pregnancy hormone | Justice

weight loss with pregnancy hormone

A few months ago I read a news story online.  It was about Steve and Lindsey Justice, who had lost septuplets.  The story is here:  http://www.people.com/article/north-carolina-couple-lose-septuplets.
I felt so sad for them so I sent them a copy of my book. 

Im often delinquent in checking my P.O. box.  Most of the orders for my book come via in the Internet/Paypal.  Today I happen to be at the Post Office dropping off mail and opened my P.O. to find a huge stack of miscellaneous advertisement.  After sorting through it all, there was an envelope addressed to me, hand-written, highly unusual.

I was shocked and warmed when I opened it.  It was from Lindsey Justice, thanking me for sending along the book. She wrote she has found much comfort in it. 

I dont often receive feedback about  Journeys and certainly have never received any for sending it cold. I never know how it will be received.  Lindseys note was very reassuring the Journeys has a place in this world.  I wish her and her family peace on their journey.

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post pregnancy weight loss nz | Yesterday

post pregnancy weight loss nz

I have been making great efforts to get outside with our boys, daily. Yesterday Jack requested we go to one our local parks.

It was 42º and, even though it was sunny, we were the only people there. Jack enlisted me to play Octonauts with him – Jack was Kwazi and I was Captain Barnacles and we were saving fish in the sea from danger. This game lasted until a set of twins arrived. Then the game changed to children fending off bad guys with their swords.

The play was loud and rambunctious and what you would expect of four year olds. Climbing and jumping, and perhaps some pushing and shoving as well.

As they played, the care taker of the twins mentioned to me that the two children in her care had lost their father just last week. She only told me because the twins are 4 years old and they had been telling people that their daddy was in heaven. She wanted me to be prepared in case they told Jack.

The children did not tell Jack, but my heart ached for them just the same. I ache for their mother and their older siblings, who I am sure are still feeling the sting of such unexpected loss.

Im glad that Jack could be a distraction for these new friends, if only for day. Im still turning it over in my head. Tell your loved ones you love them. Every. Single. Day. We have no promise of tomorrow.

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pregnancy drug used for weight loss | The Big Outside Day Dreaming

pregnancy drug used for weight loss

One of the blogs I follow is The Big Outside. I like like to day dream about the big adventures we will take in a few years. 

The other day Jack was sitting next to me while I scrolled through my blog list and the post on The Big Outside called 20 Big Adventures in Pictures came up.

Jack immediately asked if we could go hike here: 

{image via The Big Outside}

As in he wanted to go hike there right now.

I cant tell you how pumped I am that at age 3 Jack recognizes the amazing beauty of the Tetons. Some day little guy, some day.

He was also curious about this picture of the bloggers daughter cross country skiing. Can we do that, mommy?

{image via The Big Outside}

One day, buddy.

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raw vegan pregnancy weight loss | Top 10 Highlights for 2014

raw vegan pregnancy weight loss

Perhaps because I am choosing to have peace in my life this year, I am letting something go that would normally bother me.

Since Daniel and I were first married, we have sent out Christmas/New Years cards in the month of December. Initially they were newsletters about what we had been up to that year and they always included a Top 10 list. Eventually it morphed into just the Top 10 list since my blog keeps family and friends updated throughout the year.

There have been some years I have missed, and unfortunately this year falls into that category.

I had good intentions, I even updated our address book in preparation, but December was full of end-of-year busyness for us as well as sickness. So I am letting my expectations go and posting a digital Top 10 instead of sending a real-life card this year.

I LOVE to get Christmas cards in December from friends and family. It reminds me of what it is like to get snail mail. It makes me feel connected and loved and its a tradition that I adore. I hope those of you that send cards continue to do so, and hopefully 2015 will be the year we get back on track with our card sending.

We kicked off 2014 living out of suitcases, with the hopes of getting resettled in the Chattanooga area. This year has been all about that transition as we adjust to a new home, in a new state, and strive to find work/life/family balance.



Here are our Top 10 Highlights from 2014

10. We started the year essentially homeless. Most of our belongings were in storage and we lived out of suitcases in a vacation rental home until the end of February.

9. We purchased our third house and spent most of the month of March getting settled. This is also the third state we have lived in since getting married. We can officially close the chapter on living in hotels and vacation homes.

8. We really love the Chattanooga area and have spent many weekends taking Jack hiking, biking or canoeing. As he grows we hope to have plenty of adventures as a family.

7. We experienced a miscarriage.

6. Jack started preschool. He is a really social kid and will regularly ask if he can go to either preschool, the Y or church.

5. We got pregnant again and are expecting our second childs arrival some time in mid April. 

4. We took a family vacation to Mexico Beach. Jack is the perfect age to really enjoy this type of vacation. As always, Daniel and I love sharing new experiences with him. We had a great time swimming with dolphins and spending time with my family.

3. We finally embraced kid holidays. Daniel and I have spent most of our married life avoiding holidays that were overly kid oriented. Sure, we visited with family for Easter, but we never had a reason to go on an Easter Egg Hunt. We never trick-or-treated... In fact we were the couple that turned off our lights and hid in our basement instead of handing out candy. We have never even exchanged Christmas gifts with each other. So, we are in new territory when it comes to Jack. We are slowly forming new traditions and doing things like going Trick-or-Treating, even if it is sleeting outside.

2. Daniel and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. One of these days we would like to take a big trip to celebrate an anniversary, but since we are in the throes of parenthood, it looks like that may have to wait until our 15th.

1. We joined a small group. Ever since Daniel and I were first married, we have been a part of a small group at whatever church we attended. These small groups have shaped our lives and helped us feel connected to others. Small groups have provided a safe place for us to grow our faith as well as our marriage and family. We feel tremendously blessed to be plugged in with a small group again.

That pretty much sums up our 2014 year. We are looking forward to 2015 and all it holds.

If you are interested, here are our Top 10 List from Years Past
2003 | 2004 | 2005 | 2006 | We skipped 2007 | 2008 | 2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013

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baby losing weight in first week | My Grief Checklist

baby losing weight in first week

We all made it to Colorado safely! Since were still busy unpacking and with a wedding this weekend (Im matron of honor and Lucia is flower girl), I thought Id resurrect another miscarriage post from my old blog. This post originally appeared on December 13, 2013, a couple months after my first miscarriage on Messy Wife, Blessed Life. Ive updated it a bit to reflect my additional losses. This also got me thinking about what I need right now, a sort of "Pregnancy After Loss Checklist", so I might just have to write a post about that soon.
__________

A contributor of one of the pregnancy loss ebooks I read (Sunshine After the Storm) wrote this about a "grief checklist":

This is a tool to help you build a list to help others help you. Friends and family may not have any idea of what would be helpful to you.  It is wonderful when people just DO things, but often they may ask you what you need...

Ive been thinking quite a bit about what would have been helpful right after my losses (and what would be helpful still).  The first few days, I had no idea how I felt, and therefore didnt know what exactly I needed.  I received some kind offers for help from friends, but I didnt take them up on them.  In hindsight, I should have.  After about a week, I could tell people exactly what I needed, but at that point, most had stopped asking if they could help and I didnt feel comfortable asking.  

Im totally in agreement with the quote above - it was much more helpful for someone to just DO than to ASK.  Just call and say you are bringing over dinner.  Just call and say, "Im coming over so you dont have to be alone." or "Im picking up Lucia so you and David can spend time together."  If I really didnt want you to, I would say so.  But if you ask if you can do those things, I will most likely say no because as much as I know I should accept help, I hate to inconvenience others. 

Im not writing this as a guideline of what you should do if you have a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss or what you yourself will need if you go through this.  This is a list of my own personal needs, though I suspect that many women have similar needs (many of these ideas I got through reading about others experiences and realizing Yes, that would help me too.)  Grief is different for everyone; some women will find comfort in certain things that would only further the pain for other, but you can use this as a jumping off point for writing your own list or coming up with ideas to help those you love.

I should also mention that I dont expect any one person to do all the things on this list - one person sending flowers after a loss and another person asking how Im doing and a third person sending a card on a special date - thats all I need. Dont feel like you need to be everything to your friend or family member who has had a loss. Do what you can - hopefully she has a strong support system that together will fill all her needs.

• Say "Im sorry". I know its hard to say the perfect thing (is there a perfect thing to say anyway?) but its unfortunately easy to say something unintentionally hurtful, especially if you havent experienced a loss yourself.  You cant go wrong with a simple, "Im sorry for your loss".  
• Tell me you are praying for me. And then pray.  A lot.
• Acknowledge that I lost a CHILD.  A baby. A person. A unique human being.  Do not use a euphemism like "tissue" or "pregnancy" or "possibility of a child" or "opportunity".  A good rule of thumb for what to say after a loss is to only say things you would say to a parent that lost a 10 year old.  Would you tell them, "You can always get pregnant again"? For me, that meant that the speaker didnt recognize my child was unique and could never be replaced.  I dont just mourn the fact that I wont have a baby to hold come May, but I miss that specific, irreplaceable child with his/her own personality, preferences and quirks.  
• Dont call my baby an "angel".  This is something thats very specific to me, Im sure many other mothers dont mind or actually prefer "angel baby".  Im not sure if there are any Christian faiths that believe that people in heaven become angels, but as a Catholic, I believe that angels are beings created separately from humans.  I believe my children most likely in heaven.  But wings?  No.  I want my child to be celebrated for what he/she really is - a child of God who is in heaven with Him.  I understand the good intentions behind this, but similar to how I imagine atheists feel when you try to comfort them by telling them their loved one is in heaven, its not comforting to me to be told that my child is something I dont believe he/she can be. 
• Ask me about it.  I want to talk about it, but its a hard topic for me to bring up, especially if I dont know how you might react.  Ask me how I am doing.  Ask me if I want to talk about it.  Ask me to tell you about how the actual miscarriage happened.  Ask me about my feelings and my fears.  If I really am not feeling like talking about it, I will just tell you.  But I dont know if Ive ever felt that way - Im still dying to talk about it to anyone who asks.  And if you worry about what to say in return, you dont have to say much.  Just listen.  You can ask questions if you have them.  It does not open a wound for you to bring it up - believe me, two months later it is still the foremost thought on my mind.
• Ask me my babys name.  Seriously, it was the most touching thing when someone asked me if we named our child, if I minded sharing the name, and then when they used the name in conversation.  I havent shared the name publicly yet, I just havent felt comfortable doing so, but I have been happy to share the name with friends and family one-on-one.  
• Dont ignore it.  Whatever you do, dont act like it never happened.  It did happen.  One of my greatest fears is that no one else will remember this child of mine existed.  Remind me that you still remember.
• Ask me how Im doing. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like people expect me to already be over it.  I felt that way within a week of the miscarriage because after the initial round of "Im sorries", very few mentioned it or asked me how I was doing.  Just having a few people checking in on me periodically made me feel like I had the "approval" to still be mourning and struggling.  I dont know why but I really needed (and still need) friends and family to acknowledge that its normal and expected that Im not "over it" and havent "moved on" yet.
• Spend time with me.  Just come over and sit with me.  Its hard to be alone with my thoughts during the day when David is gone.
• Send me flowers. People send flowers when a baby is born.  When a person dies.  I so badly wanted flowers because I felt like they signified that my baby was real, that the loss was real. Just ask my husband - in the few days following the miscarriage, I told him many times, "I wish someone would just send us flowers." Thankfully, Davids coworkers sent us a beautiful bouquet and I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders when it arrived at the front door.
• Send a card. I received only one card after my miscarriage and it meant so, so much to me.  I will keep that card forever. When someone loses a loved one, people send cards and just like the flowers, it was significant to me because it told me that the sender acknowledged that I actually lost a a child.  It is also something physical that I can hold and look at to remember my babys short life - with a miscarriage, especially an early one, there arent many physical mementos for the parents to keep.
• Give me something to remember my baby by. Again, something physical that I can hold and touch when it gets hard and all I want to do is hold and touch my baby.  Something concrete that reminds me that other people knew my baby existed, that my baby was real and not just a creation of my mind.  Some ideas: a rosary or prayer card, a baby item (hat, booties, etc.), something with the babys name on it, a Christmas ornament that I can hang for our baby every year. 
• Offer specific help with the day-to-day tasks.  For me, its so hard to keep the household running smoothly when I cant focus on anything but the overwhelming sadness.  The first few weeks were even more difficult because I was also physically weak.  Everything is difficult - laundry, grocery shopping, making dinner.  Even playing with Lucia is hard.  I am doing better now, but especially those first few weeks were riddled with guilt on top of grief - guilt that I was not able to focus on Lucia, I lost patience with her, often just needed to lay in bed all day, and I was overall not able to care for her like I should have because I was so wrapped up in my own sadness.  If you could take her somewhere fun or just come play with her while I rest, that would be wonderful.  Bring me dinner (or gift cards for take out).  Drop off groceries and household staples like toilet paper. 
• Remember these dates with me: October 10 and May 8 (Francis Michael), February 21 and September 17 (Julian Gabriel), June 25 (Adrienne Rafael), December 19 and July 21 (Christian Michael).  The first is the day I lost my baby.  The second is my expected due date.  (Adrienne was an early loss and I dont know exactly what day I lost her, so I only remember the due date.) Ive gone through quite a due dates and even the one year anniversary of Francis Michaels due date (when he would be turning one) and they continue to be hard. If you sent me a card on those days, or called me, or plan to spend time with me on those days, I would feel a little less alone.  Also, holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Mothers Day will be hard.  Let me know youre specifically thinking and praying for me on those days.  And not just this first year, every year on those dates and holidays has been difficult.
• Use delicacy when announcing/discussing your pregnancies. I dont want you to hide your joy or to feel like Im not happy for you.  Because I am, I am so, so happy for you!  Having lost my child does not diminish the miracle of yours.  Im not jealous - I dont wish you wouldnt have a baby and I dont wish that your baby was mine.  Its just a reminder of my own loss.  And sometimes that reminder is too much.  Too raw.  Especially if you have a due date close to mine - its like the ghost of my pregnancy haunting me.  All I ask is that you initially tell me in private, especially if you plan to later announce in public where I might not have the chance to privately deal with my emotions.  By all means, share with me the big news - the healthy ultrasounds and the sex if you find out - but I could probably skip the minute details of your pregnancy, especially the complaining.  You have every right to complain - pregnancy is HARD - but just not to me, please?  Not now.  If I ask, complain away!  Sometimes I feel perfectly fine talking about it.  But sometimes, its just like a knife to the heart. Im usually fine being around babies, but sometimes its hard - around due dates or just for seemingly no reason at all. If I choose not to hold your baby or wait a while before coming to visit after the birth, be patient with me.
• Dont forget my husband. I didnt mention when I originally wrote this post, but after a few more losses, Ive realized how much support fathers need as well and how often they are left out. Ask HIM how hes doing. Pray for him and let him know that you are specifically including him in your prayers as well. Let him know that he doesnt need to handle his grief and take care of me all on his own. Include his name in cards. Offer to watch our living children so we can spend time together, or offer to help me so he can go do something by himself. 

If youve experiences a pregnancy loss, Id love to hear about how your list differed from mine.  Is anything on my "to-do" list on your "dont-do" list?  What did/do you need that I didnt mention?  I think its helpful to see the great differences in how people grieve and what they need in the wake of a loss.



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baby losing weight in womb | A lovely gift for a friend after loss giveaway

baby losing weight in womb

A few weeks ago, an email popped into my inbox from the Happy Mommy Box that introducing the themed boxes they offer. Happy Mommy Boxes are meant to be encouragement for moms and make especially great gifts for a mom friend who needs a little special surprise to brighten her day. I had seen the boxes before (and obviously signed up for email updates); they were filled with fun little surprises - mugs or bags with encouraging quotes, jewelry or hair ties, etc. In essence, things that are fun to open, pretty to look at, and let you know that the sender wanted to encourage and inspire you in your vocation of motherhood.

So, I opened the email expecting to see more of that. And I did. But I was also shocked, and more that a bit touched, to see that one of the boxes offered was a Grief and Loss Themed Box. Its not often (or maybe ever?) that Ive seen a company geared toward moms that is inclusive of moms who have experienced loss. When searching for pregnancy loss gifts in the past, Ive only seen them sold through companies (mostly small etsy businesses) geared directly toward pregnancy loss. So just the fact that this box even exists sets Happy Mommy Box apart.

The little gifts and cards Ive received after my losses have meant so very much to me. Just knowing that someone is thinking about me and understands the depths of my loss is so helpful to the grieving process. So many times, women feel very alone after a loss. Receiving a carefully picked gift in the mail is such a blessing. But its often hard, especially if you have not experienced loss on your own, to know what to send. The Grief and Loss Themed Box takes the guesswork out of the gift and puts together some very thoughtful items:

"You are my beloved" print. Something lovely to hang in your home to remember that even during the darkest times, you are loved.

"Bind my wandering hear to thee" journal. A place to write down your thoughts and prayers, hopes and fears, anger and sadness.

Psalm 34:18 hand stamped necklace. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." What a perfect scripture passage to remember that the Lord is near.

Elastic headbands. A little something pretty is especially helpful when you dont have the energy to care for yourself and feel worn down spiritually.

I think this box would make the most lovely gift for someone who has recently lost a baby. My only concern is that maybe the "Happy Mommy Box" packaging might be a sting at first, especially if she has no other living children.. But Im sure once she opened it, she wouldnt mind anymore because the gifts inside are not for the "happy mommy" but perfectly curated for the grieving mother.

Each of the items in the box are available for individual purchase if you did not want to send an entire box, and you can also make a customized box from mixing and matching the items available. (Its much cheaper to buy items in a box than individually if youre planning to buy a few items.)

After seeing the Grief and Loss Box, I contacted Happy Mommy Box to see if they would be willing to give away a box to one of my readers. And they said yes! Use the Rafflecopter below to enter. Open to residents of the US and Canada. PLEASE, Im asking that you only enter if either you have lost a baby yourself or, if you win, you plan to have the box sent to a friend who has lost a baby.  Thank you! 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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baby losing weight newborn | Word for the Year Release

baby losing weight newborn

Starting in 2010 I decided to choose a word as a sort of mantra for the coming year. I gave up resolutions a long time ago and the idea of choosing a word that would set the tone for the 365 days to come really appealed to me. The words I have chosen over the years have been, for the most part, fairly spot on for how each year progressed:

 
Fortitude {2010} Adaptation {2011} Patience {2012} Deliberate {2013}
Joy {2014} Peace {2015}

During the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about what word would be fitting for the start of 2016 and the kids book Not Your Typical Dragon kept popping into my head (this is currently one of Jacks favorite books to read at bedtime). 

In the book, Crispin is a little dragon who is not typical. You see he cannot breathe fire. He realizes he doesnt fit in, so he runs away from home. During his stint as a runaway, he meets a knight who tries to help him discover his fire breathing abilities. At one point the knight tells him to relax and think about a calm day at the beach, and then he is supposed to think of 100 shiny knights with 100 pointy swords coming after him. But you see, Crispin is not typical your typical dragon... instead of breathing fire, he breathes beach balls.

All of that to say that there are times when I feel like I have 100 shiny knights with 100 pointy swords (figuratively speaking) coming at me from all directions and I really dont want to be the lady that feels like breathing fire. I dont want to be typical in that way. 

The more I turned this idea over in my head, the more I thought about the word release and the need to let go of the things that get under my skin the most. Little things like never-ending potty training, sleepless nights with a baby, a dog that barks incessantly (seemingly all the time) and also some bigger things that I have allowed to fester for too long. Instead of being frustrated by these things, I just want to let go of them.

So in 2016, I plan to work on feeling less like breathing fire (figuratively speaking) when I am overwhelmed, and shift my focus to releasing the things that I allow to bother me, and also freeing myself by relinquishing any hurts that I have been holding on to. 

More days at the beach with beach balls wouldnt hurt either. 

release
[ri-lees]

verb (used with object), released, releasing.

1. to free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, etc.; let go 

2. to free from anything that restrains, fastens, etc. 

3. to allow to be known, issued, done, or exhibited 

4. to give up, relinquish, or surrender

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:7

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baby losing weight during teething | Sometimes Life is Just Strange

baby losing weight during teething

Sometimes life is just strange and I find myself giving my head a whack with the back of my hand.

Alison asked about Solomon.  Alison asks a lot of questions and she is not the type of child who is easily pacified.  I often have to ask her to ask me the question again in a few days, when I have had time to think of and formulate a solid answer for her.

She asked how Solomon died.  How do you explain pPROM to a ten-year old?  Somehow I managed an answer.  She knew that when a baby is in a moms tummy, the baby is swimming in water.  I told her this was special fluid that helps the baby breath, like a fish.  I explained how my water came out.  She asked if this is what it means when the water breaks so I know she understands a little of the mechanics.

I told her usually the water breaks when a mommy is 9 months pregnant and the baby is ready to be born.  But in my case, the water came out at 5 months.  And because the water helped Solomon breath and grow, and the water was gone, he died.

She got it.  She totatly seemed to understand, and went on to resume playing.  Go figure.

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pregnancy weight loss in first trimester | On Loss and Marriage

pregnancy weight loss in first trimester

A couple weekends ago, my husband and I headed up to the mountains for our fifth anniversary. It was our first getaway as a couple since our honeymoon. It was perfect. We stayed at a darling bed and breakfast, ate way too much good food, and did not much else. Throughout the weekend, I constantly came back to the thought that this was really, really good for us. Its important for all married couples to have times of relaxation and enjoyment together, but it struck me as especially needed for a couple who has undergone difficult emotional trauma.

Couples who have gone through the loss of a child (pregnancy loss included) have a much higher divorce rate for a reason. After our second loss, I found myself utterly surprised by how altered our marriage had become. I found myself avoiding my husband because he had become a reminder of the pain of our losses. I couldnt even look at him without the sharp reminder of the babies we lost. There was a part of me to felt that it would be easier if we were no longer together, if I no longer had him around as a constant reminder. If we went our separate ways, it would would be so much easier to pretend our losses never existed, and without that constant reminder, then maybe the pain would be a little less.

These were all fleeting thoughts, of course, nothing I ever dwelt on. And they were most certainly lies. The pain of separating from my husband, the only person who knew and loved the children we lost as intimately as I did, would have only brought more pain to our losses. (Not to mention the pain it would bring to our living child, to our families, and to every other aspect of our lives.) No matter how much I tried, no matter what lengths I would have gone through, it would have been futile to try to ignore the pain of our losses anyway; its much healthier to confront and heal that pain and we could only truly do that together.

When I think of the short lives of four miscarried children, I want them to have meaning. I want them to, despite the pain of loss, bring good into the world and that starts right here with their family. What good would come from their short lives and deaths if they put a wedge between their parents?

Looking back at the most difficult points of our marriage after loss, its so very clear how Satan uses our times of pain and weakness. Christian marriages are reflection of the beauty and goodness of God. The procreative aspect of those marriages is a very visible sign to the world of power of love. When something goes wrong with the life-giving element of marriage (be it infertility or loss), doubts creep in as to the validity of the marriage, or if not the validity at least the value.

And then there is the guilt. One member of the couple usually feels all the weight and blame of loss and fertility issues. Even when there is no no firm diagnosis, the woman usually pulls the guilt upon herself. Its hard to bridge that gap, to feel like infertility/loss is happening go both of you together instead of one of you pushing it upon the other. Its easy to believe that you are at fault, preventing your partner from having the children they deserve, wondering if he isnt better off with someone else who can give him living children. Humans are bodies and souls and as much as wed like to separate our spiritual life, the brokenness of the body can often lead to brokenness in the soul.

Four losses in less than a year and a half. Surgery. Another pregnancy. I wish I could say that this pregnancy has helped to heal our wounds, and Im still hopeful that after the birth of our child the healing will come, but so far its only seemed to deepen them. Or at least call attention to them in a way that is no longer possible to ignore. The wounds are still there, but our approach is different. Were no longer pulling away from each other, but turning toward one another in our sorrow. We grieve differently, my husband more stoic and silent, my tears and pain more visible and vocal, but instead of letting those differences pull us apart, were learning to care for each others individual needs. I feel guilty that my body failed to nurture our children, David feels helpless as he watches me continue to go through trauma he would do anything to relieve. Together were working on finding other fruits and creative outlets for our marriage, so that its value doesnt hinge solely on our fertility.

As we sat up in our room the mountains, we talked about our favorite moments and the blessings of our first five years of marriage. The conversation was more somber than we would have ever expected it to be. Between mentioning milestones and cherished memories, there were long pauses where we silently thought about the sorrows and struggles which, at least numerically, outnumber the hallmark moments. But reflecting on those difficult times gave us the ability to rejoice in the strength and durability of our marriage, the flexibility wed found and the lessons weve learned. We understood the importance of leaving room in for God (and for heartache and tragedy and time to rebuild) in our future goals, of setting priorities instead of milestones, and thinking eternally,

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