weight loss late pregnancy | After Surgery

weight loss late pregnancy

On Friday, I had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to look for the cause of my recurrent miscarriages. My doctor found extensive endometriosis and was able to remove most of it. After the surgery, he commented to my husband that he was surprised I had even been able to get pregnant with how much I had.

Since informing friend and family, Ive been asked several times how I feel about learning I have endometriosis. Some have assumed Id be quite jubilant because We have an answer! And the doctor removed it! Others assumed Id be quite depressed about the news because Endometriosis is a life long struggle! It comes back! Those conclusions are both quite apt. Im feeling a lot of mixed emotions.

Im trying to be really optimistic about it all. I am glad we have an answer but there is truly no way to know if endometriosis caused my losses or is just one of several reproductive issues I face that have combined to cause four losses.We are hopeful that this was the missing puzzle piece and that our next pregnancy will carry to term but I have to keep in mind that this might be just one piece in a still incomplete puzzle.  We initially thought low progesterone was the cause and naively assumed that progesterone shots would result in live babies. They didnt. So, while I hope this is exactly what was needed, I must also remind myself that conception and pregnancy is an extremely complex process in which so many things must go right (and therefore so many things can go wrong) in order to have a living child at the end.  Even if endometriosis caused all my previous losses, something completely different - genetic abnormalities or whatever - can cause the next pregnancy to end far too early. In this world of modern medicine, its tempting to think that we can control nature and the human body through medicine. But we cant. I imagine any doctor can tell you. We can often work with nature, but we cannot control it outright.

But even if we knew for sure that the cause of all my heartache was endometriosis, that diagnosis is scary enough. It will come back so its something that Ill always live with and something that will always threaten my fertility and babies in utero. I worry that I wont realize its growing back until its caused another loss or two. I didnt have many of the typical symptoms of endometriosis, so the losses themselves were really the only reason to suspect it.  

I was hoping it was something else with a more permanent fix, though certainly its much better that having no answer or one with no treatment at all.  Endometriosis is not a very unexpected diagnosis. A gynecologist offhandedly told my teenaged self that I most likely had endometriosis and would never be able to have children (thank goodness she as wrong about that second part).  My doctor expected he would find some and the NaProTechnology website states, "In women with repetitive miscarriage, 85 percent will have endometriosis."  So, not a surprise, but also not a reality I was willing to face or think through until I got the final verification. And my doctor gave me some lovely pictures of my endometriosis-riddled insides so there is no denying it now.  

I feel like Im facing an important decision: how do I react to this news? Do I put all my fears aside and choose to see this as an opportunity to trust God? Or do I wallow in the fears of what is to come? Certainly I dont think endometriosis or miscarriage are Gods doing, but I do know that, if you let Him, God can bring goodness and beauty out of anything. Even the ugliness of organs scarred (and adhered together!) by endometriosis. That, my friends is disgusting to look at (what exactly am I supposed to do with those pictures anyhow?) but God is working in me to bring goodness out of it all. Even if we dont have more living children. And Im starting to be ok with that - a future filled with Gods goodness and beauty, a future of meaning, a future as just a family of three.

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weight loss during late pregnancy | Contemplating depression faith loss and hope in the new year

weight loss during late pregnancy

Yesterday, I spent hours crying. 2014 has been a horrible year for us and Im certainly not sad to see it go, but when I tried to imagine 2015, I just couldnt muster up anything but thoughts of the upcoming due dates and first birthdays that will haunt us. (One each in May, June, July, and September make the middle of the year particularly dreaded.) Also, the knowledge that 2015 wont bring us the birth of a child seems to strip it of hope.

But after a few hours of crying for the babies well never meet, I felt a bit of a relief and room to think in a more positive light. The past week has been extremely trying and probably even more difficult than any of the days Ive actually miscarried or the due dates weve struggled through.

I struggle with depression even during the best of times. Days in which we have nothing but blessings to be grateful for, I still fight despair. So when we have moments of incredible grief and hopelessness, my depression is truly unbearable. Since my first miscarriage, Ive also struggled with nightmares which make sleep nearly impossible and anxiety that has only increased with each subsequent loss. Obviously, the few months after each loss are the hardest and then things get back to being very manageable. But I always have to be very vigilant to get have a very regular daily routine, eat well, take my vitamins and minerals daily, (try to) get adequate sleep, and plenty of sunlight.

This past week has been the perfect storm - a recent loss (with both the grief and hormonal instability that accompanies it), the holidays (which make even a more distant loss more difficult), and being away from home which makes it nearly impossible to keep up any sort of routine, eat healthfully, exercise regularly, etc. Just realizing that how Im feeling is the result of so many outside factors has been such a relief and allowed hope to creep in. Im very confident that once we get back home and can control several of these factors, that the deep despair Im feeling will melt away.

Sometimes, at times like this, I begin to blame myself for not trusting God enough, for not being faithful enough, or having a better relationship with God. I read stories of people whove struggled with mental illness or eating disorders or substance abuse who are suddenly "cured" when they come to know God. But I know thats not how it works for the most of us. There are Saints - Saints! - who struggled with these issues all their life, who knew God profoundly and served Him well, and never escaped these afflictions. These issues are real physical and psychological ailments that cannot be healed simply by loving God and feeling His love for us, at least no more than someone with a chronic illness will be healed simply by faith - sometimes miraculous healing does happen, but most often, were left to nature and the natural weakness of our bodies and minds.

My relationship with God is stronger and deeper than it was before my first miscarriage. Each subsequent loss has brought me closer to Christ. I dont believe that God caused my miscarriages in order to bring me closer to Him or to make me into a more humble person, but that is what has happened. (I thoroughly believe the cause is something natural and God simply allowed it to happen, as He does with most of nature.) I believe that He is able to use all things for good and He has worked in me through our heartbreaking losses. By allowing Him to do so (for you have to give Him that invitation), I am able to be a sign of my children. They may not be visible to this world, but their existence has meaning if I let them transform me into who God created me to be. Obviously, I am no Saint. I have a long way to go. But I am closer to holiness than I was before they were conceived. And so I know that this depression is not a lack of faith, because I have grown in faith even during the most extreme periods of depression Ive ever felt.

It is Satan that tries to make me feel like my depression is due to my spiritual failings. And I know I cannot give into him, for if I did, I am sure I would lose my faith. Though certainly I hope that someday Ill be cured of depression and anxiety, I assume that they will be burdens I will carry with me my entire life. And if I were to go through life thinking that if I were only truly faithful to God, if I only really believed, if I only prayed more or did X better, I would be cured, I would go through my whole life feeling like a failure. Nothing I would do could ever be good enough because mental illness is not simply a matter of faith. And at some point, I would break, give up, turn my back on God. But the truth is, it is only God who can free me from this, if not in this life, then in the next, when our bodies and minds will be whole. In the meantime, I need Christ with me to help carry this cross. I need to unite my suffering with His so that it has meaning, so that it bears fruit.

I walk daily with these crosses of depression and recurrent pregnancy loss. Sometimes they seems so cruel. Sometimes I cry out to God, "Why do you allow repeat miscarriage to happen to someone who already struggles with depression?" Because certainly, its easier to deal with either one or the other.  But there are no answers, and as of yet Ive been able to cope. Ive been given the graces to survive this, even if it seems like Im only barely surviving. Some days Im even able to look to the future and say, I can do this again. We can try to get pregnant again and if we miscarry again, I will survive, and not only that, it will be worth it.  Other days, I struggle with how to just make it to tomorrow.

Every morning I wake up needing time to pray and to rework through these thoughts. To remind myself that I am strong and that I have Christ beside me. To remind myself that my depression is separate from my faith. To remember that my depression will get better and I can take steps to control it. I think about the children Ive lost and how much I love them and how their short lives were purposeful. And I thank God for my husband and daughter and the many other blessings I have in my life. I often have to go through these same prayers and thoughts many times during the day to make it through. But I do. Each day I make it through and its this very conscious, purposeful reasoning gives me back hope. Faith and reason, right? I need both.

Today, on the first day of 2015, Im able to count my innumerable blessing, all five of our children among them, Im able to see the good things that this year might bring for us. Even if this year does not bring us a viable pregnancy, I have so much else to look forward to. Fertility struggles tend to give those who experience it tunnel vision so that the only purpose in life is in another baby, the only thing worth looking forward to or working toward is another child. But my life is so much more than that. Another year with my wonderful husband and daughter is a blessing to look forward to in itself.

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