weight loss journey during pregnancy | Im happy to be pregnant but I dont want to talk about it

weight loss journey during pregnancy

This week, I got together with several women from church for a tea party for our preschooler girls. I was asked many times about my pregnancy and how Im feeling. Which was very thoughtful. But Im sure I came off as so rude in return. Im uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy and I imagine the other women thought I was being terse and cold. I just cant small talk about pregnancy anymore. But for most moms, thats probably a hard concept to grasp. After all, I am currently pregnant and everything seems to be going well. Whats the harm in talking about it?

For other women chatting about where theyre going to give birth might be a casual conversation, but it requires me to assume that I will indeed be giving birth to a child at the end of this pregnancy and I cant go there quite yet. At times, its a stretch to even think of myself as still pregnant come next week, never mind six months from now. Its also those kinds of conversations that haunt me after a loss. The conversations about whether were going to find out the sex come flooding back when we reach 20 weeks and imagine us going in for our anatomy scan, urgently telling the ultrasound tech, "We dont want to know! Please dont give it away!" And when were facing down the due date that will never be, I cant help but remember the conversations about the birth center or midwife weve chosen, the carefully crafted plans we made to bring our baby into this world in a gentle and natural way.

As a mom who has experienced many more losses than live births, I find it easier to take everything one day at a time, to live in the present and not plan ahead more than is absolutely necessary. Acting as if only the present exists makes it possible for me to find a bit of excitement and joy in my pregnancy. I think this is because I need to treat the pregnancy as an end of its own. When pregnancy is treated as only the means to a end (a living child), then the vast majority of my pregnancies lose all purpose. And if I need anything right now, I need this pregnancy to mean something, to have value today even if it might end tomorrow.

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kim pregnancy weight loss | Celebrate or Hold Back How to approach a pregnancy after loss

kim pregnancy weight loss

The title of this post insinuates its going to be a "how to". Not really. The decision of how to approach a pregnancy after loss - whether you celebrate wildly or hold back - is a very personal one. There is not one answer that is perfect for everyone, so Im not going to tell you there is. But Im going to share with you how Im approaching this pregnancy (and my past pregnancies after loss). And I also want you to know that there is no one right way to do it.

Motherhood is full of guilt and doubt and feelings of failure. Pregnancy after loss can be fraught with these feelings as well, in addition to fear and anger and (fill in the blank). Its important that you listen to your feelings, take care of yourself, and make the decisions that are best for your family and yourself.

That may come in the form of embracing all things pregnancy and baby from the time you see those two pink lines - taking bump pictures, buying baby items, sharing a carefully crafted pregnancy announcement early and everywhere.

Or it may mean keeping the pregnancy quiet, avoiding talk of the future and avoiding baby and pregnancy goods like the plague.

Neither one of these options means you are more pro-life, a better mother, or that love your baby any more or less.

Sometimes, self-preservation is the most important thing. Certain pregnancies I purposely distanced myself from the baby. I avoided making plans for "when the babys here". I didnt buy maternity clothes and steered clear of the baby clearance section. When those pregnancies ended, I was better able to cope with the loss. I was better able to be a wife to my husband and mother to my living child. I dont believe that my reluctance to celebrate my pregnancies in any way dishonored or disrespected the children I lost. I have always acknowledged that they existed, that they are unique human beings with eternal souls. And I have loved them since the moment I knew they existed. I dont think that, wherever they are, it matters one iota to them that I did not outwardly rejoice at their conception.

Ive heard and read from moms who firmly believe that they must make the most of every moment of their pregnancy. They must rejoice openly at the gift of life theyve been given. They share the news of their conception right away so that if their child does pass, they know that his short life was celebrated to the fullest. They buy gifts for the baby that will serve as mementos to remember their little one by if the worst happens. This is certainly one very valid way to approach pregnancy after loss. If this is what you need to help you through a pregnancy after loss (and certainly, the great hope and joy that comes with the approach can be such a light in the darkness), I think its wonderful.

Just make sure that youre taking that approach because you want to, not because you feel you must. A baby who enters and exists this world quietly, only known in the mind and heart of his mother, is no less valued than a child whose existence was widely known. Do not feel you have to force yourself to act a certain way during pregnancy. The love for your baby is enough, even if its not spoken of, even if its as hidden as the tiny child tucked in your womb. 

The longer Im pregnant, the more I begin to reach out from the cocoon Ive wrapped myself in. I originally thought I would wait until 20 weeks or more to find myself in the baby department or come home with maternity clothes but at 11 weeks, Ive done those things already. I took my first "bump picture" last week. But Im not yet ready to think about when the baby is here. Thats still so far off and there is so much pregnancy to go before then. Im not planning a nursery (we dont know where well be living anyway, so...) or thinking about any of the logistics of taking care of baby. I havent really looked into our birthing options yet (though again, even if I wanted to, we dont know where well be). But the pregnancy isnt a secret and Lucia especially talks about it quite a bit. Im finding that for me, this time, there is a delicate balance - celebrating a little, planning a little, but honoring my desire to hold back a bit, allowing myself to remember that pregnancy doesnt always end with a baby and that there is no guarantee well be a living family of four. Plan for best, prepare for the worst?

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pregnancy weight loss last month | Pregnancy After Loss Yes I am

pregnancy weight loss last month

We planned to wait to share our newest pregnancy until after we saw a heartbeat. And if there was no heartbeat, we were just going to to keep it to ourselves. The public nature of our losses has been difficult. But I started bleeding heavily on Thursday at five and a half weeks pregnant and I felt like we could use some prayers. So we shared widely and requested prayers, so I might as well share the news here as well. The bleeding has since stopped and we went in for an ultrasound which revealed that the gestational sac was still there and measuring correctly. Its too early to see a baby or heartbeat, but the news is reassuring so far and were grateful my doctor didnt think I was a complete nut (or if he did think so, he humored me anyway) and had us come in to take a peek.

I really pride myself on not being crazy or over reacting during pregnancy. Im not a worrier by nature and while Im often a pessimist, I dont tend to let fears get to me. In truth, when I get a positive pregnancy test, I expect a miscarriage withing two months and not a baby in nine, but I other than contacting my doctor and taking what precautions we can, I acknowledge that if we are going to miscarry there isnt a whole lot we can do about it. But Ive never experienced bleeding in pregnancy like this before and it was the uncertainty that was killing me. If we miscarried, fine - wed get through it. But I just needed to know if we had or not. Had I bled like this before my first miscarriage, I doubt would have called the doctor at all. I know that some bleeding, even heavy bleeding can occur in a normal and healthy pregnancy. But this time, I found myself freaking out for the first time, calling my doctor several times, begging to go in for an ultrasound (lest you think my doctor is heartless, he very well may have agreed to an ultrasound without begging but because I didnt get a hold of him, I was begging over voice mail). I felt desperate and then very foolish for letting my thoughts spiral like that. I hate that my losses have robbed me of my ability to be joyful, relaxed, and even sane during a pregnancy.

Seeing the sac is no guarantee that this pregnancy is healthy. In fact, in three of my four pregnancies, it wasnt until after this point that something was noticeably wrong - the sac grew just fine, but a baby or heartbeat never materialized (in the remaining miscarriage, we lost the baby before this point).  I know not to get my hopes up until we see a heartbeat in a couple weeks, and I assume that even if we do see a heartbeat, Ill probably not fully relax until the baby is born. Even though Ive only had first trimester losses, Im much more aware of loss in general now. I go to a support group in which the majority of mothers had full term losses. (Ill admit to often feeling out of place as the only or one of the only women with first trimester losses at the meetings. Why arent there more? Am I the only woman with early losses who cant just "get over" them and move on? Do these women who lost their full term babies think Im ridiculous for mourning over my early miscarriages?) Anyway, I know those things happen and the fact that they are rare doesnt exactly make me any more comfortable. Even if something only happens to one in a billion, there is no guarantee that the one is not me. After all, its pretty rare to have as many miscarriages in a row as I have, and here I am. Anyone can be a statistic, you know? 

But here is the thing: Im feeling a bit guilty because there was a part of me that wished that I had just miscarried. Not because I want the baby to die - I dont! My most ardent wish is to have a living child! And not just any living child, but this one! This irreplaceable soul who I already love so much and who is a unique and important member of our family. But there is a part of me that feels like miscarriage is inevitable, 100% certain. So if its going to happen, Id rather just have it happen, you know? So I can start healing.  So we can try again.  Its crazy! Who thinks like that?

I really wish there were some better resources out there for pregnancy after loss. There ARE several, of course, but they tend to be based on the fact that you wont miscarry again. There is maybe a page or two on "if you miscarry again". Which makes sense, because its actually pretty rare to have two in a row much less double that. But for women like me, in which miscarriage is the rule and not the exception, I sometimes just want to have someone acknowledge that yes, I may miscarry again. There may not be a "happy ending" in store for this pregnancy. But that it will be okay anyway. That Ill survive.

Anyway, enough rambling. For all of you that are struggling to conceive or who are awaiting your pregnancy after loss, know that I am praying for you.  God bless.

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