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Tampilkan postingan dengan label heart. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label heart. Tampilkan semua postingan

Selasa, 19 April 2016

rapid weight loss during pregnancy | Coconut Oil

rapid weight loss during pregnancy


I love coconut oil!  I use it for lip balm, lotion, cooking and several other things! Its pretty much amazing. Its anti-inflamatory, anti-microbial, anti-viral and helps you to absorb more nutrients from your food. You can use it for moisturizer and even deodorant.   Kael thinks its pretty awesome, too.  He wanted to put some on his lips yesterday, so I let him. Then, I just watched as he continued to rub it all in his hair and eat finger scoops of it. He must have been listening to me earlier when I was telling Sam how good it is for curly hair...haha.  I figured the mess would be minimal and he was having fun experimenting with the texture. Needless to say,  Kael smells like a tropical beach boy. =)

Have you ever used coconut oil? Here is an amazing link that tells you over 100 different uses for it! CLICK HERE  Do you have a favorite recipe or usage for it? Id love to hear! 


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Sabtu, 16 April 2016

reasons for weight loss during pregnancy | Heart Thoughts on Motherhood

reasons for weight loss during pregnancy



Its hitting me. The reality that this new, small soul is mine. Around 5 am, as Cedar finished up his early morning and very sleepy feeding, I couldnt put him down. My body longed for those extra 2 hours of sleep that I knew it would get if I laid him back in his co-sleeper. But, my eyes couldnt leave his face and my arms wouldnt let go. I sat there for almost an hour, staring at him and his dreaming smiles. I put my face to his cheek, as his tiny breaths kissed my cheek thinking, "is this love even for real?"

Now, when I nurse Cedar, hell stop for a moment, look at me and smile. I cant help but soak up these moments. Every morning, without fail, his expressions are full of wonder. Its as if he realizes how long he has been asleep and he cant wait to have open eyes again, discovering exciting things like the ceiling fan and his brother zooming toys in front of his face. haha. He wants to stand up constantly, bobbing his head around trying to look ever which way. Ah! Ive probably kissed him over a thousand times since hes been born, I cant help it. Ive stood in front of my old, gold mirror, countless times as Ive held him,  just so I could stare at his dreamy face, all smooshed up against my chest. These are days that Ive been dreaming of for years. Sometimes, I have to stand back and acknowledge the moment before is passes by.

Samuel said this to me after we got engaged, "Lets promise each other that no matter what, we wont lose the wonder that we have for each other." That has been a pillar in my heart and its taken weight into my momma heart as well. In the moments, when one child is whining and the other crying, where a shower is my only form of alone time and a greek yogurt in a nursing bra and yoga pants is my only real meal of the day...not to lose the wonder of my boys and wonder of being their safe place.

In weeks like this, when Ive had bright days and cloudy ones, my heart is gripped with this truth, motherhood is a sacred and beautiful gift. Its a messy one, a painful one, its tiring and beyond beautiful...it breaks your heart and then heals it. It has made me more alive to love and the beauty of vulnerability. Im saying that in the "infant" stages, if you will, of my journey as a momma, knowing that Ive barely skimmed the surface of what being a mom truly means. There are millions of moments that my heart has yet to experience, laughs it hasnt seen, tears it hasnt cried and wisdom its waiting to learn.

I love being a momma.





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Rabu, 06 April 2016

natural weight loss during pregnancy | Remember Windland

natural weight loss during pregnancy



I wrote this on July 8th. 

"The word "tradition" itself derives from the Latin tradere or traderer literally meaning to transmit, to hand over, to give for safekeeping. "

Today, it rained, then the sun came out. It rained again and once more, the sun decided to have the last act of the day, not much different than most days this month. But, July 8th is a day that will forever be noted on my calendar. It was the projected due date of my baby, Windland, that we lost a year and a half ago in a miscarriage. I wrote my heart about that time here and here.

I cried only once, maybe twice today. I realize that Ive come so far and grown so deeply. Ive grown  in love, in pain, in joy, in compassion, in questioning, in peace,  in empathy, in beauty, and in the raw realities of living. Ive lived in the darkest canyons of grief in the deepest ocean, craving water instead of air to fill my lungs and Ive been pulled up to the surface of the living, of light and oxygen and love. Cedar really was my rescuer. Hes been the sweetest of sweet joys that a soul could be, given to help comfort and heal. I cannot put into words the love and adoration that I feel towards this happy little boy.  In the same tone though, there is a piece of my heart that will always be missing and aching. I made sure that today, I did something to remember my little love that breezed by our lives a year and a half ago.

Recently, one of my closest friends lost her baby in a miscarriage. It was a tragic and devastating loss. While in the process of grieving with her,  I had a dream. I dont typically dream much. But, in this dream, I dreamed of a little girl with curls, like Kaels but a bit longer and lighter. She was around 2 years old, but was speaking more like a 5 year old. She was showing Cedar and Kael how to skip rocks on a creek bank. Almost being a little momma. All 3 of them were giggling. She turned around and smiled at me and I saw her face. She was mine. "Oh, youre my Windland!?" I said. She nodded and smiled,  then went back to playing as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I woke up. I didnt want to wake up. Whether that was a real dream or not, it comforted my soul immensely.

Creating beauty in the mundane and seeing the good in front of me, instead of only the awful is a driving part of me.  I like to think that this passion is in all of my children; a bit of my wild love for life and people, living and thriving in them.   I live to celebrate and to love. So, to pass by today with only tears, didnt seem natural to me. I had to do something. I thought to myself, Windland was and is my child, a small spirit that I want to blow a kiss to. A kiss with love and maybe somehow an embrace.   So, this afternoon as the boys played, I went outside and thought about the winds of love this baby created. My Windland wasnt a purposeless life. Theres something about making traditions, physically doing, saying or singing something that attaches the dreams, loves or aches of our heart to reality and something good, some kind of hope? I wanted Windland to have one. I needed to have one.


I let the day play out naturally, enjoying the boys and then I found myself outside, making a tiny little crown of greenery from the woods in our back yard. This is for her, I thought. Cedar came out with me for a  bit, playing with the leaves and curling vines. As I wove the stems together, I reflected on the time I had felt, before the pain, and tried to harness that joy and elation. Then, coming back inside the house, I sat down and wrote out her name, as beautifully as I could. It was a sweet moment, in the middle of the crazy, right before dinner time.  Each bend and curve of my pen felt sacred, somehow connecting me to her. I started off to scribble a little note on the other side of the paper when, what started off as a sweet letter, soon turned into a gentle tear and then into heart gushing, finishing with a settled soul and maybe even a smile.  In a way, it made me feel happy that I found my own tradition to celebrate the tiny heart that forever changed me.

For the short time my baby was here, Windlands  sweet breeze created beauty just by her presence. The wonder of winter turning into spring, heart break fading into love and disappointment evolving into hope is something I know. Cedar wouldnt have even been a possibility if I hadnt miscarried, seeing I got surprisingly pregnant with him 2 short weeks later. Cedar is my springtime, my love, my little hope that carries the gentle truth of redemption. Am I still sad? Yeah, I am. Can I imagine or think of life without my Cedar baby? Not even for a second. Thats the complicated reality of life and love, I suppose.


"Willow"
by: Songs of Water
We hung our harps on the willow tree, still the wind formed hands and plucked out its melodies. 
Our hearts rejoiced as if it were a dream, when the seeds of our tears became a field of wheat. 
Look what hes done, look what hes done for us. He turned our songless night into a symphony of praise.

http://www.reverbnation.com/songsofwater/song/5106298-willow

This was written by a friend of ours, who lost his best friend in an accident right before finding out he and his wife were pregnant with their first child.  The first verse is my favorite: "We hung our harps on the willow trees, still the wind formed hands and plucked out its melodies." The first half of that line is referencing Psalm 137:2, when the Jewish nation was forced out of their land to live captive, pretty much as slaves, in the land of the then current super power. They had lost all heart, joy and hope. "Hanging up your harps" was like "throwing in the towel." They were done with expecting good. The grief and heartbreak was too much.  The part saying, "Still the wind formed hands and plucked out its melodies..." Good lord. I listened to this song again, randomly after I had already named Windland and gotten pregnant with Cedar. I burst into tears when the words spilled over into my soul and the gently, haunting chorus filled up my car. Somehow, they were good tears. It comforted me. In some way, a song settled the confusion of my heart, as I was looking for a place to put my emotions. It gave word and tone to the meaning of my disillusioned state. My brain thinks in imagery so, it was the language I needed to hear.  Even in the sadness, my little breeze played a melody. A perfect little song, named Cedar.


As I am sitting here, writing the thoughts of today,  both of my boys are laughing and screaming as loud as they possibly can, as their daddy tickles and chases them around the living room. Cedar, the pure delight of my soul, goes from moods of happiness to frustration, as he realizes he cant run and jump like his big brother can, although hes walking. What? How did that happen?  Kaels curls are a glowing crown of wild, in the early evening light, and I want to kiss his chubby cheeks a thousand times over. Im soaking up this sweet moment, as if it were the last time my ears would ever again be able to hear the sound of joy. Soaking in the moment has become a gift that has been strengthened in my heart. The art of clinging to the good, pausing and acknowledging the beauty that is in front of me has become my moment by moment practice. Telling my children that I love them is my mantra, holding them to my heart is my physical prayer.  Life has taught and is teaching me this gift.


Today, Im remembering. Im remembering the joy of telling my best friends that I was pregnant, jumping around ChickFila like a crazy person. Im remembering the elation that I felt, when calling my friend Kristina in Florida, squealing on the phone and talking forever that night about this baby being redemption, after such a sad season. There was joy. Im remembering the look on Sams face and him instantly telling me girl names that he loved. I remember feeling Windlands goodness inside of my soul, at the kitchen sink and singing to her. I remember loving and dreaming. This is what Im remembering today.


Windland Sweetheart, 

You were and still are a beautiful dream. Our dream... my dream. 

I love you forever. 

Momma






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Jumat, 25 Maret 2016

overnight weight loss during pregnancy | Backyard Friends

overnight weight loss during pregnancy


Warm days are treasures to me! Weve had SO much rain and unseasonably chilly weather that a sunny day is kind of sacred now. Lorean, one of my closest girlfriends, dropped by my house last week with her kids Micah and Asher. (Who I adore like my own!)  Micah and Kael have been buddies since they were born and it was all squeals and giggles on our back deck, as Micah doused Kael with the water hose. He kept yelling for her to get him and she gladly obliged, haha.  They were both in heaven. When I heard all of their happy laughs and screams, I jumped outside to take a few pictures. I love these crazy kids so much and I love how they are growing up together. I cant believe they will both be 3 this year?! (tears) Memories of gold for me right here. 
BTW, If you have dont have a kiddie pool, put your water hose on "mist!" its the best water gun and source of entertainment for warm days at our house! 


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Minggu, 20 Maret 2016

weight loss while pregnant during pregnancy | Heart Talk Pregnancy after Miscarriage

weight loss while pregnant during pregnancy


27 week bump with my little handsome 
(Sometimes I hold back from writing certain things because I just dont know what is appropriate to share with such a large group of people and what isnt. But recently my mom encouraged me to write to my Gran, and my family in Texas because this blog is pretty much the only way they can tell whats going on in my daily life. So, here it goes, several bursts from my heart. Its going to be a jumbled mess...)

The past month or so has been so wonderful and so emotional on so many levels. Several sweet readers have written to me asking if I am alright or telling me that they miss my posts. First, thank you for asking. :) You are so kind and sweet. Nothing significantly crazy has happened. We are super good, the babys healthy and Kael is thriving in his new stages of toddler-hood. Ive been trying to be present in every moment with him, enjoying every second. Ive been going through layer after layer of processing my own heart and trying to enjoy the moments, simple and extravagant alike. My hands have been busy making dolls. I love making things that make people happy. And, making some extra money on the side is pretty amazing, even if its just a little. ;)

This pregnancy is the most precious time Ive ever had in my life, and its also the most delicate, confusing and quite honestly...painful time as well. Nothing can be helped, the fact is, immediately after I lost one baby another one started to thrive. One week,  Im on top of the world, ready to write and create my heart out.  The next, Ill get lost in my thoughts as I stare out the window, washing dishes or typing a blog...then Ill just bend over and cry for 5 minutes because I still dont understand what exactly my heart is feeling. Im fine on the outside, but Im the strangest abstract painting of emotions on the inside.  So much so that I dont even get it.  I still miss the baby we lost in November. Its the silent fact that screams at me everyday.  It still feels like it was just a couple weeks ago and not 7 months. And yet, I have never felt more love for my new baby boy, dont think that any of that negative emotion is reflected on him. I feel that this pregnancy is more sacred and cherished to me, even more than Kaels was. Not because this baby is more special,  I just realize how fragile life really is on a new level now. 

Ive battled with lots of fear the past months, Im not gonna lie. Thats hard for me because my whole life, Ive never really struggled with that consuming emotion, not like this. Is fear even an emotion? I dont even know. Whatever it is, I constantly have to push through it. The other night I was getting ready for bed and I smelled something awful, similar to, but not exactly like the discharge I had the night before I started bleeding with our miscarried baby. My chest got tight, and I went to bed inwardly paralyzed with fear. Then I started cramping. (Which is pretty much a normal thing during pregnancy...especially round ligament like cramps/pain.) On top of that,  the baby decided to take a nap for a good 30 minutes and not move.... that combination had my heart racing. I couldnt sleep until I felt him wiggling again.  The next morning, I woke up to him trying to have a dance off.  I knew everything was fine. But, its just that added tension that is wearing my heart out. The continual wondering, and constant bug eyed look when something feels off. 

A lot of the time, my mind, even when its still, has these feelings and thoughts constantly running through them, even when no one else can tell. Sometimes, it feels like I need to overcompensate in my own being for the unsteadiness and unsolved concoction of emotions that I feel. Overall, I have always been a positive person. So, its been really strange for me, in the long run, to daily deal with, well...a broken heart. I mean,  even as I write that one phrase, "broken heart," tears start filling my eyes so that I cant see what Im typing. Its frustrating to me. I dont want this beautiful pregnancy, with my beautiful baby boy, to be all about what we lost, who we lost. That doesnt seem fair. It doesnt seem right. But then it doesnt seem fair to forget Windland and act like he or she never happened, does it?  Ive tried to push the whole experience of us miscarrying to the furthest place in the back of my heart.  When I do that, it ends up building and smoldering, until it eats through all my happy times and its worse. Then, Ill try and accept what my heart is going through. Then I feel like Im obsessed with something so tragic and sad, not fully being able to rejoice in the moments.  Im still trying to wrap my brain around the oxymoron of being devastatedly crushed and being ecstatically elated at the same time.

I have a tendency to over analyze myself, to the point where its just pretty much ridiculous. Ive always longed to be the friend and person that is easy to be around, encouraging and no drama policy. Lately, I feel that when people see me, they see the naked, confused brain of mine, trying to figure herself out. Of course they probably dont, but another weight of pressure is placed on my heart by its own self. You know when you get a bouquet of roses or some sort of flower. Right when they are on their last leg you barley touch them and a blob of petals just fall to the table. Thats what I feel like. I still have color, a little more droopy maybe than normal, but have any close contact with me of any real substance and a part of me will fall a part. Is that a good analogy? Well, it works in my brain and that what I feel like so often.

Im not walking around like a big soppy mess. I promise.  My heart truly has been thriving and growing in joy and love in so many places lately. I really have been having some of the most precious, happy days lately... This new little dreamer of mine has truly been the sweetest gift. I can say that now. At first it all seemed like a cruel joke. What do you do with anger and grief when a new little life enters the middle of it, needing and deserving your joy and love? What do I do when every stage of him growing sweetly inside of me would be a kiss and a knife to my heart at the same time? Loving my heart to hope and goodness and then a reminder of what I would never feel with the little soul we lost. What do you do with that? "Oh, he moved SO strong just now!" Instantly my heart might linger to the place of, "I never got to feel my other baby move like that and I never will..." Yes, I know, why go there? Why torture myself? I dont know. Im not doing it on purpose. Talk about being confused and feeling guilty. Cant you just enjoy the baby you have now? I am, I promise... How can I feel so empty and broken but so "my cup runneth over" at the same time?  Heck, I have no idea. Its a mystery to me.

Even with our sonogram of finding out if he was a boy or girl, it was tainted with fear. Finding out the sex of the baby wasnt in the forefront of my mind. I had prepared myself so hard for something to be terribly wrong, that when HE was healthy and strong, I was in shock for a good 2 days. Allowing my mind to just relax and enjoy was disturbingly difficult. Everything is just...different now. Everything. I just wanted to sit quietly somewhere and not talk. All I wanted was to think about what had just happened.  "My baby is ok. His heart is beating and its healthy. Hes alive. Hes going to be alright. Ill actually get to hold him and kiss his face. Its alright Jess, this is real, its not a mean joke."  But instead of just going with what I needed, I overcompensated to my own brain and forced a bouncy, happy, go lucky attitude. That means Im happy about it, right? Oh, Jess...when will you learn just to be what you need to be in the moment instead of what you think you need to be. Dont get me wrong, it was a precious day that is one of my favorites. That looming factor is just there and sometimes I frustrate my own self. 

I had a long talk with Sam the other night. (I have the sweetest husband, seriously.) Well, more like he listened to me for 2 hours, verbally process all of this. He ended up telling me that he didnt think my heart had allowed itself to fully process, grieve  and realize all that had happened with losing something, no, someone so precious. Ive somehow convinced myself that Im just fine and dandy. The confusing and sad thoughts that invade my mind at many hours of the day dont count. I just mark the good and happy ones. Does that make sense? Its like Im trying to control the feelings of my heart. Its like trying to hold back the late afternoon tide with an open 8oz sized plastic baggie. But, somehow in my mind, Im convinced that works so, I do it again and again. Why am I verbally dumping so many raw thoughts right now? I dont know. Maybe because I can see how my heart has, in some small ways and in some big ways, already healed and mended back together in certain places the past 7 months and I want to have something to compare it to the next 7? I also know that sometimes my heart finds release when I journal and document what is going on. The first post I did helped me in countless ways. Maybe I am just a little desperate again...reaching a point to where I can finally admit to myself that Im still walking through certain valleys of heartbreak. Grieving doesnt mean youre not rejoicing. It doesnt mean you dont see the good. In a way, I think it shows how much you cherish the good maybe? Ive had several amazing hearts write to me asking me how Ive coped, healed and walked through this chapter of life in miscarriage etc. I dont know. I feel like Im still trying to figure that out myself. I will say that educating myself on healthy ways the human heart grieves and the importance of each stage was vital to me. Also, not pushing away the reality of WHO you lost was and is crucial. I wrote a letter to our lost baby at a certain point that released a huge part of my heart. (I still every once in a while will write Windland a note when I feel my heart needs to. I even pray sometimes that Jesus or angels or whoever does that in heaven will hold my baby extra close and kiss him or her goodnight for me. That may seem weird, and maybe it is, but for me it helps.)

Im not writing this mile long blog to really do anything but let some of my thoughts escape from the cage of my brain and soul. Maybe some of the splatters from their impact on this screen will make sense to me later on and even seem beautiful in a way. I know its a jumbled mess, and Lord I know its wheezing in the "making sense" department. But, I felt that an update on the progression of my emotions with everything was needed. Maybe half of one of these long winded sentences might in a weird way encourage a girl having gone through something similar. Empathy. Just knowing someone else if feeling something close to what you are feeling can sometimes be more healing that a thousand encouragements. Sometimes empathy is the best gift. 

I will tell you that in the past few weeks, the reality of my new baby boy has hit me like a mac truck. I am so head over heels in love with him. For the first time in my entire pregnancy, I had a beautiful dream about him. I had a great birth, and experienced the first weeks of his sweet little life. It was precious. I actually saw his sweet face, crystal clear. We bonded. So much so that when I woke up, I was a little disappointed because it was so real that I reached over to our co-sleeper hold him and then I saw my belly. Haha. He is such a gift to my soul, more than I even understand. I cannot tell you how every fiber of my body yearns for that first moment when I get to hold him. I ache to feel his little self in my arms.

Im so thankful this baby boy of mine is overly active in mbelly. I used to sigh and pray that Kael would be still for a little while so I could sleep more easily. Not with this baby! Every repetitive movement is therapy to my soul and a kiss to my heart telling me that hes ok. Every hiccup and flip has the effects of reminding me that hes coming, for real and so truly. Hes my little gift, treasure and oh how Im going to treasure every freaking second I have with him.

How do I sign off on this? haha. Um...well, I dont know. I kinda feel strange at the flow of this entry. Maybe I wont post it. Maybe I will.

Jess, feel what you need to. Youre loving the best, most beautiful you can, your babies know that. Dont over think yourself please. If you need to take a 10 minute break and cry, do it. If you are enjoying the h*ll out of your day and your week of pregnancy, thats ok and fantastic! Love is love, through pain and through joy. Youll express it in tears, both happy and broken. Youll feel it in heartache and in new life. Let love just be love and go with it.

"...even darkness is light to you..." psalm 139



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