kendra pregnancy weight lost | Someone is Missing

kendra pregnancy weight lost

Theres something different about this pregnancy. (Other than the fact that Ive made it past 10 weeks.) Were coming up on the first anniversary of our first miscarried childs due date (the time in which our little one would have been celebrating his or her first birthday). Which means that its perfectly possible that I could be pregnant with this baby right now even had that baby lived. He/she would have been nine months when we conceived this time, 18 months when this baby is due, and thats well within the time frame of "possible". We could be expecting our third living child right now instead of our second. And there is something about that realization that is just crushing.

With each of our last three pregnancies, there was always that bittersweet knowledge that all our babies had to die for the newest baby to live. But now that weve gotten to a point where our current child could coexist with one of the babies we lost, there is a whole new pain involved. I guess there was a part of me that accepted the losses easier knowing that because they happened, they allowed us the gift of another child. Every time Im confronted with a new pregnancy, there has been a kind of choice - I could have had one of the children we lost or we could have our current child, but we could only ever have one. But losing our second child didnt really make this child possible - for the first time, there is a scenario in which not only one was possible, but two. I know I should be grateful for all the children in between, because even if they are not here with us, they are eternal souls. But Im not really there yet.  All I can think is that our second child could be here and this one inside of me could both be here and for once, there wouldnt be a need to choose.

I thought I had accepted and made peace with our losses, at least the first few, but Im starting to wonder if maybe Ill never really find peace with them. I guess what peace I did find was conditional, a peace based on the idea that our baby died so others can live and when that reality didnt material, the peace it supported shattered. Why did our second child have to die? What good has come from it? Why cant he/she be here now, rejoicing with the rest of our family at the new pregnancy and new sibling? (As much as a 10 month old can rejoice at those things, right?) Today, Im feeling like someone is missing more than ever.

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weight loss during pregnancy last month | Plenty of Time

weight loss during pregnancy last month

I often hear, "Youre young, you still have plenty of time to have another child."

Its true.  While I certainly dont take it for granted, I know that there is a good chance that we will eventually have another living child, maybe several. I doubt well have the large family we always wanted, but Lucia will probably not be an only child.

So, since its true, why is it so hurtful?  Because, in essence, its a non sequitur.  People who say it arent addressing the root of my sadness.  Im not mourning my future fertility.  Im not upset because Im never going to have another child.  (Though I certainly will worry about that until we do.)  Im grieving what might have been and will never be.

Im grieving the four souls that I will never meet in this world.  No future child will replace them.  They are each unique individuals, with unique DNA, unique souls.  They would have had their own mannerisms, their own unique appearance, their own dreams, and talents, and preferences.  They are irreplaceable.  I am not mourning that I dont have another child, Im mourning those specific children.  My children, who my husband and I conceived in love and who we love deeply.

Im grieving that my daughter will not have a sibling close in age.  Yes, she may still have sibling(s).  Yes, she may still be very close to them even if they are far in age.  Yes, even if she had siblings close in age, she may have had dysfunctional relationships with them.  But there is still something lost there.  Something we desired so greatly, to have children close in age.  Something she desires so greatly when she pines for a sibling and asks why all her friends have little siblings.  That is something lost that cannot be recovered.

Im grieving the dreams I had for my life and my family.  Even though I know that we can have an equally beautiful life with the cards weve been handed, it still hurts to have to close the door on what I desire so deeply.

Im grieving the loss of joy that comes with pregnancy.  Four out of five times, those two pink lines have meant, "Im going to have a miscarriage," instead of, "Im going to have a baby."  And now the thought of pregnancy brings nothing but despair and grief.  The thought of holding another child in my arms continues to give us the hope to move forward but the pregnancy itself is greatly dreaded.  I mourn the fact that I will never again burst with joy upon seeing a positive pregnancy test. Im much more likely to break down in tears. 

Im grieving my lack of healthy fertility and the natural process of conception and pregnancy that weve had to leave behind.  Having to give myself shots and have surgery and chart cervical mucus and time intercourse and give blood so often that I feel like a pincushion makes me feel more like a science experiment than a young wife trying to create new life through the love of her husband. I am so grateful that modern medicine is available to help us figure out why our babies are dying and give the next baby a chance at life. But this is not how God intended it to be. And Im mourning the natural, beautiful process that has been stolen from me and replaced with a sterile, medicalized path to parenthood.  We will never have the opportunity to say, "This month, lets try for a baby!" and then just...try.  We wont ever be able to just "let God decide" and have a pregnancy happen when it happens.  No, well always have to carefully chart and get medications and meet with the doctor before we try to conceive.

Im grieving my loss of innocence.  Oh, how sweet it all was when pregnancy and sex and trying to conceive and our future family only held such happy things!  When pain and sadness didnt seep into every aspect of my life.  When I could see a pregnant belly and not feel a twinge of jealousy along with joy.  Im so much wiser now and I think a bit more compassionate, but the expense of that was so great. So, so great.

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pregnancy ke baad weight loss | All is Well

pregnancy ke baad weight loss

I made this blog private a while back because anxiety was really getting to me. And any kind of online/social media anything just makes it so much worse. But, Ive had a few ultrasounds and everything is going well and Im starting to feel less panicky and more, well, pregnant. So here I am.

I dont have anything profound to say, but many people have been asking how Im doing, so this is just an update. My bleeding stopped a few weeks ago and other than a brief episode of light bleeding and cramping earlier this week, it seems like thats no longer anything to worry about. Ive been having all the normal pregnancy symptoms, which I am very thankful for though I certainly wouldnt mind if they were a little less extreme.  Nausea is a wonderful reminder that all is going well but throwing up many times per day doesnt seem necessary. 

Im curious whether the nausea is so bad because Im taking hCG shots and its thought the hormone hCG is what causes morning sickness (so obviously, shooting up with additional amounts of it would seem to have that effect). Though I tend to be in the camp that attributes morning sickness to magnesium and/or other vitamin or mineral deficiencies, in which case it would make perfect sense that Id be depleted given the five pregnancies in less than two years thing. I certainly feel like so many pregnancies, no matter how short, and postpartum periods in such a short time have left me a little disadvantaged. And I got pregnant a week after surgery, which probably took its toll too.

My most recent ultrasound was on Wednesday and we saw a baby with a heartbeat waving around little arms and legs. So it seems like all is going well and its a pretty typical pregnancy. It doesnt feel like a typical pregnancy after four losses, though I doubt any pregnancy will ever feel typical again, but its just kind of surreal. To everyone else, it seems like Im just having this normal pregnancy, and for me its just so, so scary and strange and not normal. Im the most pregnant Ive been without miscarrying (since my daughter who was born at 41 weeks 1 days, so I have a long time before Im the most pregnant Ive ever been). Thankfully, it seems like the longer this pregnancy goes, the less anxious I get (though just incrementally less) and the more it starts to feel normal.

Oh, I guess I do have a bit of big news. Were moving back to Colorado in less than two months. It was a tough decision to make but we ultimately decided that we want to be back near family sooner rather than later.  The past few years have been tough without family to help us and I expect it will only get harder as we (hopefully) have more children or (hopefully not) have more miscarriages. The upcoming move has certainly given us something to focus on to get my mind of pregnancy concerns all day every day. (Instead I worry about David not finding a job! Which, while scary and stressful, is not nearly as scary and stressful as worrying about miscarrying again.) So, if you dont already have enough to pray about and youd like to pray for our pregnancy and baby AND that David find a job, Id be so very grateful.

Unrelated, but what I would like to be doing right now.

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