kate hudson pregnant weight loss | Im a wreck

kate hudson pregnant weight loss

I really, really want to be able to write an inspiring post about how to remain calm or have hope or whatever during a pregnancy after loss. But instead, Im in what is probably one of the deepest, darkest places Ive ever been. Ive been bleeding off and on all week, mostly pretty light but it picks up as my activity picks up. Im a terrible, horrible wreck about it all in a way I thought I would never be. I am currently laying in bed in some of the most wretched pain Ive ever been in, completely caused by stress. Ive always felt pain in my neck and shoulders when stressed but never like this. The throbbing is overwhelming, to the point where I cant move or function, and its making me incredibly nauseous.

I dont really know what to do about it. Usually the best way I manage stress is by exercising but any time Ive managed even the most light of exercise, the bleeding has increased and I imagine thats not a good thing.  My next ultrasound is a week away and I just dont know how Ill survive until then. The stress and fear is making me physically so sick and unable to function. I cant take care of myself and I cant take care of Lucia. Im losing weight and cant sleep.  The anxiety is eating away at me.

This isnt like me at all - Ive never been a worrier in the least but Ive noticed becoming increasingly paranoid as the miscarriage count has increased and I wonder if I miscarry if were just done. I am not sure if I could do this to myself or my family again. Ive always said we wont avoid pregnancy as long as Im physically and mentally healthy enough to undergo another pregnancy and miscarriage, and I think this might be the straw that breaks the camels back (or the miscarriage that breaks my mental sanity, as it were). We are also woefully without a support system of people here who will help watch Lucia, bring us meals, or even friends and family (near or far) that will call me regularly to check on me. Its getting to be way too much to bear on our own. The financial strain ($500/month for injection not covered by instance that Im not wholly convinced do a darn thing) is also getting to be too much. And for the first time in my miscarriage journey, I feel angry at God  - for not only allowing me to be in this position but for not providing me with any comfort.

Ive read about some studies that say that "tender loving care" has as much of a positive outcome for women whove had multiple miscarriages as any medical treatments. Providing support and keeping the mother calm and positive about the pregnancy gave her much better odds of carrying to term. Well, if my baby had a good chance before I started bleeding, he/she probably has none now.

I feel incredibly hopeless and helpless and physically miserably right now. And there isnt a thing in this world that can help. If we see an empty sac again on Friday, I know Ill be fine. I can handle another miscarriage. I think I could have handled the time so far had I not started bleeding. But now that Ive had problems with this pregnancy and a bunch of miscarriages behind me, I just dont know how I could handle another 7-8 months of pregnancy. How can my family survive that long without me being functional for them? I just dont even want to think about it. 

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loose skin after pregnancy weight loss | Creating Space

loose skin after pregnancy weight loss

Its been over a week since weve returned from our trip and Im doing pretty well. Today my daughter, out of the blue, told me Im, "full of joy" and since little kids are very perceptive, Im taking her at her word. I have felt joy returning over the past week.

One of the things Ive done that has been most helpful in healing has been ridding our home of baby and maternity items. I started the process a while ago and have slowly been giving away what weve accumulated, but in the last week Ive finally gotten rid of the last of it and it feels so good. Ive been thinking about why its been so therapeutic for me and Ive come up with the following (myriad) reasons.

The very obvious, practical reason that this has been so great is that theres so much more space! The fervor to get rid of baby things has also sparked the desire just to get rid of all things and we finally have space in our small townhouse. There are no longer boxes and junk lying around. Our closets arent filled to the brim with things we may or may not ever use, but are instead organized with things we do use. I do so much better in uncluttered space and so fixing my physical surroundings has such a positive affect on me emotionally and psychologically.

Clearing our space and making our home more comfortable is something I can do as a wife and mother to benefit the lives of my family right now. Instead of saving things for children we might have and cluttering up our lives in the meantime, Im taking care of my family right now. And that is so, so good for me. If these losses have taught me anything, its that I must strive to do my best as a wife and mother in every moment, not just prepare for a future in which I will finally be at my best. As Ive mentioned previously, I need to feel useful right now and this is useful.

Giving away our useable items makes me feel useful to others as well. Most of Lucias clothes and many of her baby items have gone to my sister-in-law for my niece, but Ive also been able to bless women from church and random strangers with baby and maternity items they need. It feels so selfish to stockpile them when there are people who need and can use them right now. Giving them up helps me to focus on others and to have perspective. One of the lines I pray every day in the Litany of Humility is "That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grand me the grace to desire it." This one line never fails to be the one that stands out to me, that targets me especially. Right now, I have not been chosen to carry a child to term. I have been set aside, at least for a time, but I must still use this time to serve the Lord, which I can do by helping those who God has chosen.

Another spiritual fruit of the baby product purge is that it is teaching me to rely more fully on God to provide for my needs. I tend  to hold onto something if it might ever be used again. In that way, I learn to rely on myself to provide for my future. By getting rid of the baby things I not only rely on God to provide us with a living child, but I also rely on Him to provide us with what we would need to raise that child. Its much easier to pray "give us this day our daily bread" and really mean it if you dont have a cupboard full of food to last you days, weeks, or even months. I put much more trust in God when I no longer stockpile for myself and instead give the goods we have to others.

I also realize that when I give away our baby and maternity things, I am helping do Gods work in providing the "daily bread" for other families. When we pray to God to answer our prayers, its much more likely that Hell answer them through other people then by dropping a baby buggy straight from heaven, a miracle I have yet to hear of happening. It is good to prepare yourself financially and be economically frugal, but theres a point where that gets in the way of doing Gods work and starts to become working for yourself. I can no longer justify holding onto baby things for years when I dont need them and there are others that do. I trust that if and when we have another child, others will be generous to us as well, and that well have everything we need.

I started giving away our baby and maternity stock because it was too hard to be surrounded by constant reminders of our failed pregnancies and dissipating dreams. I was shocked to realize just how healing the process was for me. Most of all, it enabled me to imagine a life without more babies. Everyone deals with loss differently and for some it may be more beneficial to always have hope for more children and therefore to continue to hold onto the baby things; but for me, its helpful to be realistic and the truth is that I may or may not have more children. I imagine that statistics are in my favore and that we will most likely have more children through pregnancy or adoption. But I need to be able to acknowledge that theres also a chance that we may not have more children and the odds of that happening are higher for me than for the average woman. I need to build a life and imagine a future that is happy and hopeful and beautiful even if it doesnt include more children for us. So by letting go of this material reminders, we not only give ourselves more space in our home for the things that matter right now, I also give space in my head and my heart to imagine a blessed life as a family of three.

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pregnancy weight loss last month | Pregnancy After Loss Yes I am

pregnancy weight loss last month

We planned to wait to share our newest pregnancy until after we saw a heartbeat. And if there was no heartbeat, we were just going to to keep it to ourselves. The public nature of our losses has been difficult. But I started bleeding heavily on Thursday at five and a half weeks pregnant and I felt like we could use some prayers. So we shared widely and requested prayers, so I might as well share the news here as well. The bleeding has since stopped and we went in for an ultrasound which revealed that the gestational sac was still there and measuring correctly. Its too early to see a baby or heartbeat, but the news is reassuring so far and were grateful my doctor didnt think I was a complete nut (or if he did think so, he humored me anyway) and had us come in to take a peek.

I really pride myself on not being crazy or over reacting during pregnancy. Im not a worrier by nature and while Im often a pessimist, I dont tend to let fears get to me. In truth, when I get a positive pregnancy test, I expect a miscarriage withing two months and not a baby in nine, but I other than contacting my doctor and taking what precautions we can, I acknowledge that if we are going to miscarry there isnt a whole lot we can do about it. But Ive never experienced bleeding in pregnancy like this before and it was the uncertainty that was killing me. If we miscarried, fine - wed get through it. But I just needed to know if we had or not. Had I bled like this before my first miscarriage, I doubt would have called the doctor at all. I know that some bleeding, even heavy bleeding can occur in a normal and healthy pregnancy. But this time, I found myself freaking out for the first time, calling my doctor several times, begging to go in for an ultrasound (lest you think my doctor is heartless, he very well may have agreed to an ultrasound without begging but because I didnt get a hold of him, I was begging over voice mail). I felt desperate and then very foolish for letting my thoughts spiral like that. I hate that my losses have robbed me of my ability to be joyful, relaxed, and even sane during a pregnancy.

Seeing the sac is no guarantee that this pregnancy is healthy. In fact, in three of my four pregnancies, it wasnt until after this point that something was noticeably wrong - the sac grew just fine, but a baby or heartbeat never materialized (in the remaining miscarriage, we lost the baby before this point).  I know not to get my hopes up until we see a heartbeat in a couple weeks, and I assume that even if we do see a heartbeat, Ill probably not fully relax until the baby is born. Even though Ive only had first trimester losses, Im much more aware of loss in general now. I go to a support group in which the majority of mothers had full term losses. (Ill admit to often feeling out of place as the only or one of the only women with first trimester losses at the meetings. Why arent there more? Am I the only woman with early losses who cant just "get over" them and move on? Do these women who lost their full term babies think Im ridiculous for mourning over my early miscarriages?) Anyway, I know those things happen and the fact that they are rare doesnt exactly make me any more comfortable. Even if something only happens to one in a billion, there is no guarantee that the one is not me. After all, its pretty rare to have as many miscarriages in a row as I have, and here I am. Anyone can be a statistic, you know? 

But here is the thing: Im feeling a bit guilty because there was a part of me that wished that I had just miscarried. Not because I want the baby to die - I dont! My most ardent wish is to have a living child! And not just any living child, but this one! This irreplaceable soul who I already love so much and who is a unique and important member of our family. But there is a part of me that feels like miscarriage is inevitable, 100% certain. So if its going to happen, Id rather just have it happen, you know? So I can start healing.  So we can try again.  Its crazy! Who thinks like that?

I really wish there were some better resources out there for pregnancy after loss. There ARE several, of course, but they tend to be based on the fact that you wont miscarry again. There is maybe a page or two on "if you miscarry again". Which makes sense, because its actually pretty rare to have two in a row much less double that. But for women like me, in which miscarriage is the rule and not the exception, I sometimes just want to have someone acknowledge that yes, I may miscarry again. There may not be a "happy ending" in store for this pregnancy. But that it will be okay anyway. That Ill survive.

Anyway, enough rambling. For all of you that are struggling to conceive or who are awaiting your pregnancy after loss, know that I am praying for you.  God bless.

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