pregnancy ke baad weight loss in urdu | To Bury the Dead

pregnancy ke baad weight loss in urdu

A couple weeks ago was the year anniversary of our baby Francis Michaels due date. I mentioned that our tradition for his due date and loss date is to go to the cemetery to visit his grave and then to the beach, and I shared a few pictures from the due date last year. We werent able to do it that weekend due to poor weather, but last Saturday, we made the trip. 

Visiting the cemetery was really hard. I, very unexpectedly, burst into tears the moment David turned our car into the cemetery. Lucia had to go to the bathroom almost immediately and there are no facilities on the grounds open on the weekends, so we had to leave pretty quickly to find a gas station.  And then, of course, was the fact that this wasnt just a regular trip but also a goodbye. We move away next week and have no idea when or if well ever be able to visit our babys grave again.

An afternoon at the beach provides a beautiful counterbalance to our morning at the cemetery. Its easy to get caught up in the sorrow of our lost babies at times like that, so doing something as our earthly family of three is a perfect reminder that while well always feel the absence of those four little souls, the life weve been given is pretty great too. We have so much to be thankful for and there is so much joy in our family just the way it is, its hard to miss those truths during a sun-filled day at the beach.
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After our day, I was reflecting a bit on how much were going to miss this little tradition and how blessed weve felt to have been able to bury our baby. Francis is our only child with a grave because he was the only one for whom we had an actual body; two of our others showed only empty sacs on their ultrasounds, meaning they never developed a body or their bodies were reabsorbed into the gestational sac very early; the other was a very early loss and I never noticed the baby passing. Some couples do bury whatever tissue and remains they have, even if it were just and empty sac, but after the stress we underwent trying to arrange a final resting place for Francis, we were at peace not burying those little ones.

Many Catholic diocese have programs in place that bury miscarried children for free. Usually, its a large grave for all miscarried babies with some kind of statue or memorial, and there are group services several times a year. Ive also heard of cemeteries that provide plots for free and funeral homes that will perform their services for free. There are no such programs or places in our area. After our first miscarriage, we had the remains of our baby in a little plastic container in our refrigerator for days as we tried to figure out how to bury him with dignity.

I contacted our diocese, pro-life organizations, and every possible group I thought could help and received the same response over and over again, "Sorry for your loss, but we cant help you." There was no one who could offer me any advice. I called every funeral home and cemetery in our area, but none could offer me even a tiny discount. We were told we had to pay full price for a child plot and full price for an infant casket, which would have been around $1,000 total. It was money we didnt have at the time, especially since we were facing medical bills for the miscarriage related costs. It was a stressful time for us. The only things we could do to care for our baby were name him and bury him and the longer our baby sat unburied, the heavier it weighted on our hearts.

Thankfully, we were able to get a hold of our wonderful pastor who took care of everything for us. He already had plans to take another father to the closest Catholic cemetery (about an hour away) to bury his miscarried child and invited David along with him. He was friends with the pastor of the cemetery parish and was able to arrange for our child to be buried for free. We only had to pay $50 for the grave marker. He drove David and the other father to the cemetery and had a little service while they buried the babies.

We were lucky. Our pastor does not have the ability to make arrangements like this for every family. Had he not been friends with that parishs pastor or had he not already had the outing arranged with another family, we would have most likely have ended up needing to just purchase a plot and coffin. (I had previously called that same cemetery and they said they would charge us full price - $450 - for a child plot and we had to have a several hundred dollar full-sized infant coffin.) Unfortunately, most families in our area have no resources to help them bury their babies. There are some organizations Im aware of that help bury stillborn babies (lost after 20 weeks gestation) but none that Im aware of that help miscarried babies. If you know of any, please let me know.

In all the articles and blog posts that Ive read about how to help a couple after a miscarriage, I dont think Ive ever seen the suggestion to help the couple bury their child but in some situations, this is a real need. Not every family is able to bury their miscarried babies for various reasons. Often, there are no remains or they are not given access to the remains after a D&C, etc. But some parents do have the remains and want to bury their babies but are unable to because they lack the funds or need help arranging it. It can be an extremely difficult time emotionally after a miscarriage which would only add to the stress and confusion of planning a burial.

As Christians, we are urged to "bury the dead" as one of the corporal work of mercy. If you know someone who has lost a baby and has the childs remains, you can offer to:

• Help them to arrange a burial (and service or funeral if wanted). Make phone calls. Sit with them as they make decisions.
• Give financial support if you can. Sometimes even if the family can pay for a plot or receives one for free, they may not be able to afford a grave marker, so the grave sits unmarked for years.
• Share any knowledge you have of the process. Even if youve never lost a baby, if youve lost another family member and had to arrange burial, your experiences could be very helpful.  
• Share contact information to local organizations that can help. If you are so called, perhaps you could start some kind of organization within your community or church that helps families with the arrangements.

If youve buried am unborn child, what were your experiences? Do you know if there are local organizations or resources in your area? Or any national ones? How did others help you with the process or how do you wish they would have helped?

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pregnancy and losing weight in first trimester | Un deserving

pregnancy and losing weight in first trimester

Things have been going well for us recently. Im 15 weeks pregnant and all seems healthy and normal. Were moving back near family. David was offered a job that is perfect for his background and future career development AND will give the the ability to stay at home with my children. I feel greatly blessed and, honestly, completely unworthy.

Weve been married almost five years and much of our marriage has been spent struggling with one thing or another - several out-of-state moves, unemployment and financial worries, multiple miscarriages, etc. But Ive never felt that we deserved for things to be better. Life is hard. There are no guarantees. And things always could have been worse. I had a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter and even when times were hard and we needed help, we always had a place to live and food to eat. Now that things are looking up, I feel very undeserving. Why should we be given so many blessings when there are so many others still waiting for a baby or a job or a spouse? Even though weve gone through medical treatments to fix my health issues so we could have a viable pregnancy and David has worked hard (and spent many years in school) so that he could get a good job, these things still feel like such unmerited blessings.

I recently read a post on "being the fertile friend". I definitely wouldnt consider myself the "fertile friend", but Im not infertile either. And the pit in the stomach feeling when I think of all my friends that have been waiting for babies longer than me - I can totally relate to that. Even though Ive had my share of fertility struggles, there is always someone who is suffering more, who has had more miscarriages, who has no children. I never think, "I deserve this baby after what Ive gone through." I always think, "There are other women so much more deserving." Because there are.

Many pregnancy after loss websites and resources list pregnancy affirmations to help women cope with anxiety during a pregnancy after loss. Ive found a few affirmations that have been very helpful to me (this is my favorite) but there are several Ive come across that leave a bad taste in my mouth. They are along the lines of "I deserve a healthy baby and pregnancy," or "I deserve the best life has to offer".

In our society, we often invest heavily in the ideas of "fairness" or "entitlement" or "output matching input"  but its obvious that nothing in this world follows those ideals. A college graduate may deserve a good career, but there are many who struggle at dead-end jobs below a living wage. Someone who has always made healthful life choices may deserve good health, but we all know a person like that struggling with cancer or another debilitating illness. Stable, loving couples struggle with infertility while abusive parents have more children they dont want and wont care for.

As a Christian, I dont believe that anything is owed to me, especially not a child. A baby is always a gift, a completely undeserved gift. And Christianity is not based on rewards for good behavior or results equal to effort. Thank goodness for that because nothing I do could ever be worthy of Christs sacrifice for my sins. Christianity is not a promise of comfort or ease. Its not safe or easy. Its full of crosses and suffering, disappointments and pain. But also total undeserved grace, blessings, and gifts.

I cant explain why right now my family is being showered in blessings when others are crushed under the weight of ever-increasing suffering, other than to say that we live in a world in which sin twists Gods original design and nothing makes sense because nothing is as it should be. Im mindful even in the midst of the goodness that currently surrounds us that all in this world is temporary, blessings just as much as sufferings. And I pray often for those who are waiting for their blessings because I know that it was the prayers of others that carried us through our toughest times.

At the heart of all of the blessings and sufferings of this world, there is a light, a hope of the world to come. All else changes, all else is fleeting, but the light is constant. In good times, its sometimes harder to keep my eyes on that light. The worldly goodness around us makes the light of Christ less noticeable, like the beam of a flashlight at midday. In the darkness of suffering and pain, that light stands in stark contrast - a beacon in the starless night. And so, there is a piece of me that is scared. Scared that the goodness of this world will detract me from my desire for God. Scared that Ill take these blessings for granted. Scared that Ill be lulled into complacency. Scared that someday Ill look at my life and feel deserving of the goodness in it, entitled to more. Oh, that is a scary thing indeed.

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weight loss in pregnancy 2nd trimester | Our Francis

weight loss in pregnancy 2nd trimester

One year ago today was our Francis Michaels due date. Which means had our baby lived, wed be celebrating a first birthday around now. Im so far removed from that alternate reality that I cant really imagine what it would be like having a one year old crawling (or walking!) around. I cant imagine where I crib would fit in our little home or what it would be like to have another car seat in our car. I cant begin to see how Francis would have fit into our lives, yet its easy to feel that there is someone missing.

Of all the children weve lost, I always miss Francis the most. Its not that we love that baby any more than the others, just that we bonded with him or her so much more. Between my positive pregnancy test and miscarriage, we had six weeks of dreaming and preparing for our baby. That time was never tainted with a fear of loss, so we were able to love our baby with abandon. And those six weeks came after a year of desperately wanting another child, even before we were able to try to conceive again, a year of dreaming and preparing in itself.

After Francis, we were much more cautious with our pregnancies, much more reserved. And we never got much time with them, no more than two weeks between a positive pregnancy test and an ultrasound showing that miscarriage was likely. We never had the time to allow ourselves to imagine our baby outside of the womb, as part of our living family.  Even now, at 14 weeks pregnant, I cant visualize what it will be like to have a baby in November, even if I give myself the permission to try. But during my pregnancy with Francis, I could visualize that sweet baby in my arms - that tiny little nose, big blue eyes, kissable lips, and chubby, chubby thighs. 

Today, David has to work, but were hoping to spend tomorrow exactly like we did last year - a trip to the cemetery and then to the beach. (Please pray that the storm that is supposed to hit this weekend disperses! It means so much to use that were able to carry out this family tradition.) Only a few weeks away from our move, this will be the last time well see our babys grave and the last time we carry out this family tradition. We usually only visit Francis Michaels grave twice a year (close to the due date and miscarriage date) but the thought of leaving it is unbearable. We didnt bury any of our other children (none of them ever developed bodies, just empty sacs) so in many ways, this one grave represents them all. I know their souls arent there but I still feel like a mother abandoning her children.

My sweet Francis Michael, know that you are loved and so very missed.  What I wouldnt have given to have held you in my arms for just a moment, to have known what you looked like.

Past posts Ive written about Francis:

This is not the post it was supposed to be.

Remembering My Pregnancy

Our Pregnancy Loss Story

How we named Francis (and our other babies)



Here are pictures from our trip to the cemetery and beach to celebrate Francis last year:

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